Tag Archives: topless

Multi-Dimensional DVD Storage, Topless Coffee Shop Questions, and Save the Planet by Raising Veggies in Your Undies

> Futuristic DVD’s Store 2,000 Times more Data by Using Five Dimensions
> Topless Coffee Shop Waitress Spotted Outdoors, Is That Legal?
> UK Says Beat Climate Change with Veggies in Your Underwear

Inebriated Press
May 25, 2009

Undie Veggie Planet Savior

Undie Veggie Planet Savior

Science Daily reported last week that researchers in Australia have developed a way to store data in five dimensions thereby increasing DVD storage capacity by 2,000 times.  And Kennebec, Maine’s Morning Sentinel reported yesterday that police are investigating whether legally topless coffee shop workers are still legal if they’re that way outdoors.  Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported yesterday that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) is encouraging Brit’s to battle climate change by growing vegetables in their old underwear.  Underwear-based veggies will be on display for your education at Hampton Court Palace Flower Show, from July 7-12.  Some pundits say the way to save the planet is to go topless and use your bra to raise veggies while putting your chest in a different dimension so the general public can’t see your hooters.  Others just talk about god and ghosts.

Someone named Felicia

Someone named Felicia

“The nature of multi-dimensional space is that when it’s harnessed, it allows numerous things to exist in exactly the same place at the same time, and that’s true of movies and music on DVD’s; or ghosts, goblins and spectres in your attic,” said Felicia Hardwood-Floorr, a healthcare worker whose smooth and firm appearance is appreciated by most who know her.  “Some people say nothing exists that you can’t see, taste or touch.  That’s foolish.  We can’t see most of the light spectrum and can’t account for tons of things unless they’re self evident.  We can’t even successfully argue that we exist if we stay to strict rules of debate and don’t appeal to self evidence.  A good deal of what we know is either self evident or we believe it as an act of faith.  Some people believe there’s god and others don’t.  Both are articles of faith.  Honest people admit that; the intellectually dishonest ones dispute it.  As far as the legality of going topless goes, it’s according to city code.  It’s that simple.  I don’t know if I like the idea of raising veggies in my panties.  Putting my food in the space where my ass was isn’t my kind of multi-dimensional thing I guess.

Some people argue that saving the planet is like saving your soul.

Someone named Isabel

Someone named Isabel

“There isn’t anything in multi-dimensional space and there’s no point pretending that ghosts, or angels, or gods and demons hang out there, and DVD storage and light spectrums aren’t really in other dimensions, they’re just in space we hadn’t found,” said Isabel Dragon-Slayyr, a linear ethicist and earth sprite in denial.  “We’re all ahead if we raise carrots in our panties and cabbage in our bras and save Mother Earth, the birthing-womb to us all.  Save the earth and save your soul.  There is nothing more, nothing less.  Go topless if you want to, there are no rules if we say there aren’t.  Ethics are relative.  All things are whatever we make of them, or pretend they are, or declare they are.  To some people that’s depressing because it means there is no good or evil, and it makes life godless and inherently meaningless — but to me that’s liberating.  Freedom and chaos are my gods.  Now if I could get the IRS to go along with the relativity of money and believe that my cash is actually in their coffers the same time it’s in my checking account, I’d be all set.  Maybe there is something to this multi- dimensionalism physical space thing if we marry it to monetary relativity.  Hey, I’ll bet that’s what Obama is doing with the federal budget!”

Multi-dimensional movie & ghost storage

Multi-dimensional movie & ghost storage

Science Daily reported that futuristic discs with a storage capacity 2,000 times that of current DVDs could be just around the corner, thanks to new research from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia. For the first time researchers from the university’s Centre for Micro-Photonics have demonstrated how nanotechnology can enable the creation of ‘five dimensional’ discs with huge storage capacities. Discs currently have three spatial dimensions, but using nanoparticles the Swinburne researchers were able to introduce a spectral – or color – dimension as well as a polarization dimension.  “These extra dimensions are the key to creating ultra-high capacity discs,” Professor Min Gu said. “The polarization can be rotated 360 degrees. So for example, we were able to record at zero degree polarization. Then on top of that, we were able to record another layer of information at 90 degrees polarization, without them interfering with each other.” The research, carried out by Mr. Peter Zijlstra, Dr James Chon and Professor Min Gu was published last Thursday in the scientific journal Nature.

Coffee, tea, or ... donuts

Coffee, tea, or ... donuts

The Morning Sentinel reported that a state trooper was sent Saturday morning to a topless doughnut shop on Route 3 after a caller to the Augusta communications center reported that one of the waitresses was outside the shop without a top on. The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop opened Feb. 23, featuring topless waitresses and waiters serving coffee and doughnuts. The Vassalboro Planning Board approved a permit for the business, saying no town regulations prevented it. There is no mention in published reports if nudity outside the confines of the cafe is prohibited or allowed in Vassalboro. “I just know that I took a report of a female who was outside who had no top on and went over and spoke to them about it and advised them that I was going to be referring it to the DA’s office,” Trooper Shawn Porter of Troop D Barracks in Gray said. “It’s an ongoing investigation.”

'Hanging bra-sket'

'Hanging bra-sket'

The Telegraph reported that the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS) asked visitors to Chelsea Flower Show to donate clean unwanted bras, boxer shorts and jockey pants for its summer Grow Your Own campaign. Georgie Webb of the RHS, said old undies could be used like hanging baskets where people have little space. “Due to their conical shape, bras are ideal containers for turning into hanging baskets, and if you sew two together, you have what is best described as a ‘hanging bra-sket’. Once filled with compost you can grow salad leaves, herbs, alpine strawberries and even tumbling cherry tomatoes in them; the bigger the bra the more you can grow.”

The ‘good life’ display is part of a wider campaign by the RHS to encourage more people to grow their own fruit and vegetables. Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister and civic organization including the National Trust have also called for more people to grow their own food in order to improve healthy eating and tackle climate change by reducing food miles.

Zen sexIn other news, KOMO News Seattle reported that a woman accused of running several brothels in the area says her “work is spiritual in nature and that’s what the men are seeking,” according to the statement of probable cause. Rainbow Love, who was formerly known as Vivian W. Ellis, was arrested at her Marysville home during a police raid on Thursday. She is being held under investigation of promoting prostitution and money laundering. During the investigation, undercover detectives patronized the business at 3107 Eastlake Avenue East and were offered and agreed to sexual acts in exchange for $150 cash, the document said. Love refused to acknowledge the conversation she’d had with undercover detectives who’d sought service at the businesses, but did admit she knew some of her employees “may do more than a healing session with the clients,” the statement said. Love told detectives that she is the sole owner of the three businesses under investigation, which she ran under the license name the Light Body Temple. No word on how she feels about underwear-based veggies, but my guess is a lot of multi-dimensional stuff is going at her temple.

(C) 2009 Inebriated Press

 

Source articles:

‘Five Dimensional’ Discs With A Storage Capacity 2,000 Times That Of Current DVDs
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090520192137.htm

Caller reports topless excursion
http://morningsentinel.mainetoday.com/news/local/6378705.html

Unwanted underwear donated at Chelsea Flower Show for Hampton Court Palace
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/gardening/chelseaflowershow/5369423/Unwanted-underwear-donated-at-Chelsea-Flower-Show-for-Hampton-Court-Palace.html

Accused madam: My work is spiritual
http://www.komonews.com/news/local/45876382.html

Comments Off on Multi-Dimensional DVD Storage, Topless Coffee Shop Questions, and Save the Planet by Raising Veggies in Your Undies

Filed under Humor, IP News

Massaging Horses, Topless Beauty Queen’s, and the Good Health Effects of Booze

> Massage therapist battles State to do horses
> Miss USA Runner-Up, Defends Topless Photo
> Harvard study to determine if drink-a-day fights heart disease

Inebriated Press
May 8, 2009

Miss USA runner-up

Miss USA runner-up

The Maryland Daily Record reported Tuesday that Mercedes Clemens, a certified massage therapist, may soon get to resume massaging horses after a judge urged a state board to rescind its cease and desist order. “I’m cautiously hopeful,” said Clemens.  And San Diego TV-6 reported Wednesday that Carrie Prejean current Miss California and Miss USA runner-up, defended a topless picture of her that is spreading on the internet.  “I am a model,” she said.  Meanwhile, The Boston Globe reported Wednesday that a new Harvard University study is determined to show if a daily dose of alcohol will prevent heart disease.  “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Dr. Kenneth Mukamal.  Inebriated Press reporters, already confident of their awe inspiring good health, ponder the benefits of topless horse massage.

Someone named Missy

Someone named Missy

“Massaging people or horses will do both good, and going topless is always a fine thing to do when you want a tan, some freedom from clothing, or a few bucks tucked into your g-string,” said Missy Hopeful-Hooligan, a part-time reporter, part-time stripper, and part-time massage therapist for leafy green vegetables.  “I do all-the-above and am open to other things if the mood hits me and the cash is good.  There shouldn’t be restrictions on massage or nudity.  As far as having a drink-a-day for health, I do it all the time and feel great.  What’s to study?”

Someone named Beverly

Someone named Beverly

Not everyone agrees with Hopeful-Hooligan.  “Only formally trained horse massage therapists should rub a horse, and only highly trained human massage therapists should be rubbing people and messing with their deep tissue and stuff.  You can’t just let anyone who wants to rub you, rub you.  They should be trained professionals, and should have their tops on,” said Beverly Kingg-Biped, a writer and pro-garden activist who’s also a legend in her own mind.  “Even leafy green vegetables should only be handled by experienced gardeners who understand plants feelings, and can properly care for them and gently manipulate their fibers.  I go topless in the shower sometimes, but I would never do it while gardening or engaged in some kind of massage.  There are proprieties that should be observed, and that’s true no matter how much booze you slam each day for your health.”

Horse massage

Horse massage

The Daily Record reported that H. Mercedes Clemens is battling a licensing board’s order that limits her work to human clients. The certified massage therapist may soon get to resume her side business of massaging horses after a judge on Tuesday urged a state board to rescind its order that would force her to choose between her human and equine clients. During a 30-minute hearing in Montgomery County Circuit Court, Judge David A. Boynton grilled the Maryland Board of Chiropractic and Massage Therapy Examiners’ attorney as to the basis for the agency’s order that Clemens cease and desist from massaging horses, or risk losing her license. The chiropractic board’s authority is limited to regulating who can massage human beings as part of a business, Boynton told the attorney, Grant Gerber. “Does a person even need a license to give a massage to a horse?” Boynton said. “I don’t understand why this [cease and desist] letter hasn’t already been withdrawn.” Gerber, under Boynton’s verbal barrage, said the board will consider whether to retain its policy of prohibiting equine massage by the massage therapists it certifies at its regularly scheduled meeting on May 14. Clemens, who said she has not massaged horses since the cease-and-desist order was issued, voiced guarded optimism that the board will lift its directive and change its policy. Clemens had massaged the horses of about 30 clients, a side business she said she abandoned on the advice of counsel after receiving the letter from the chiropractic board.

Carrie PrejeanSan Diego TV-6 reported that local college student Carrie Prejean, AKA Miss California, AKA Miss USA runner-up, is defending a revealing picture of her that has emerged on the internet. TheDirty.com, a celebrity gossip blog, claims to have nude photos of the Vista High graduate and San Diego Christian College student.  The site had posted just one of those images of the beauty queen. It shows her with her back to the camera, looking over her shoulder, wearing nothing but pink panties, with an arm strategically covering her breasts. “I am a Christian, and I am a model,” Prejean said in a statement released Tuesday morning. “Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.”  State pageant officials raise the possibility Tuesday afternoon that Prejean could lose her crown.

Send booze!The Boston Globe reported that there is, perhaps, no place in the world where science is pursued more soberly than at Harvard University and its affiliated hospitals. So it may come as a bit of a surprise that a researcher at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center is undertaking the most rigorous study yet to answer an age-old, high-octane question: Can a daily dose of alcohol help prevent heart disease? Previous research has suggested that it does, but these studies had shortcomings. Now Dr. Kenneth Mukamal has embarked on a study of alcohol’s health consequences modeled on the gold-standard trials used to evaluate new drugs. The public often feels whipsawed. One week, alcohol’s good for you. The next, it’s bad for you. “It’s a unique opportunity,” said Mukamal, a Beth Israel Deaconess internist, “to put some of these questions to rest about what alcohol does to us.”  In Mukamal’s study, underwritten by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, he will track 40 patients for six months each, providing them with their monthly supply of libation – premixed – in one-gallon jugs, taken 5 ounces at a time. Participants drinking the brew that contains alcohol down the equivalent of a medium glass of wine. Blood tests will be used to monitor alcohol’s effect on cholesterol levels, and scans will be used to examine fat deposits in arteries.

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

Hot Saudi babe, sure to win or die trying

In other news, The Indianapolis Star reported Wednesday that Saudi Arabia’s only beauty pageant opens Saturday with nearly 200 contestants. But at this beauty pageant, the judges don’t care about a perfect figure or face. What they’re looking for in the quest for “Miss Beautiful Morals” is the contestant who shows the most devotion and respect for her parents. Contestants cover their faces and bodies in black robes and an Islamic veil, so no one knows what they look like. The Miss Beautiful Morals pageant is the latest example of conservative Muslims co-opting Western-style formats to spread their message in the face of the onslaught of foreign influences flooding the region through the Internet and satellite television. No word on how the “beauty contestants” feel about massaging horses, but you can bet they’re against booze and going topless.  No wonder the Middle East is full of pissed off maniacs lopping the heads off of people. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Reining in the regulator
http://www.mddailyrecord.com/article.cfm?id=11447&type=UTTM

Miss USA Runner-Up Defends Topless Photo; May be in Trouble with State Pageant
http://www.sandiego6.com/news/local/story/Carrie-Prejean-defends-topless-photo-gay-marrriage/pfY06daYk0iquiiN1bhDpA.cspx

Alcohol study drinks to your health
http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2009/05/06/alcohol_study_drinks_to_your_health/

Here she comes: Saudi’s Miss Beautiful Morals
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/M/ML_SAUDI_MISS_BEAUTIFUL_MORALS?SITE=ININS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Comments Off on Massaging Horses, Topless Beauty Queen’s, and the Good Health Effects of Booze

Filed under Humor, IP News