Tag Archives: U.S. economy

Bad Economy, Good Sex; Two Weeks Until Al Qaeda goes Nuclear; Male Baseball Players use Women’s Fertility Drugs

> Recession drives stay-at-home ‘entertainment’, baby boom
> Islamic extremists two weeks from control of Pakistani nukes
> MLB player Manny Ramirez suspended for using hCG, a female fertility drug

Inebriated Press
May 11, 2009

Home entertainment

Home entertainment

USA Today reported last Thursday that bad times in the boardroom can make for good times in the bedroom. People are having sex, and a lot of it. Obstetrician’s say the recession has spawned a new baby boom as people stay at home evenings and horse around.  And Human Events reported Wednesday that General David Petraeus, commander of America’s Central Command, said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists.  Meanwhile, New York Daily News reported Thursday that Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez received a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball (MLB) for using the banned substance, hCG, a female fertility drug also used as a poststeroid cycle treatment.  Some pundits say Manny only used women’s fertility drugs because the economy is weak and he wants to ovulate before Al Qaeda goes nuclear. 

Someone named Ashton

Someone named Ashton

“You can’t blame a guy who’s sexually confused and wants to get in on the baby boom before Al Qaeda gets the bomb and starts blowing up shit.  Manny would never take drugs to enhance his athletic ability or use women’s med’s to hide steroid use, it’s all about getting knocked up somehow,” said Ashton Blindd-Eyee, a gardener and baseball fanatic who loves illusion and smokes the stuff he grows.  “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get home and hop in the sack with my wife.  The economy has us spending more time at home in bed together.  This recession is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lacy, so to speak

Lacy, so to speak

Not everyone buys what Blindd-Eyee is smoking.  “Manny was getting an edge from steroids and using the fertility drugs to mask it; anyone not on mind-altering drugs understands that.  And Islamic terrorists will probably have nukes in the near future, because Obama will just have a chat and encourage them to be nice and not try to stop them.  This is hope and change?  I’m not sure this is what we signed on for,” said Lacy Mae-Maelstrom, a conservative Democrat and landscape designer, currently reconsidering her smoking choices and political party affiliation.  “It’s time the U.S. stop trying to become a western European pacifist and start behaving like a Reagan Democrat. I may want to legalize drugs and prostitution, but I also want a strong defense and tougher immigration laws so Hamas isn’t bringing nukes into the U.S. across the Mexican or Canadian border.  We’ve got to get practical about protecting ourselves as well as having a good time.  I admit the recessionary sex has been great, but it’s not changing my mind about the need for strong birth control or a strong national defense.”

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

USA Today reported that recession ‘entertainment’ may beget a new baby boom. It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don’t venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it’s happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom. Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she’s seeing. People are having sex, and a lot of it. “You’ve lost your job, or you’ve lost your house, and you’re having to cut back on everything. You’re not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner,” she says. Leibensperger has seen as many as 23 new patients in a week, all of them pregnant. More women are sitting in her waiting room these days with round bellies and lots of questions. “They’re probably having sex more, not having outside activities that they’re doing instead,” Leibensperger said. “It brings people closer together. It’s a huge stress relief for them.”  For the most part, Leibensperger says, with all the negativity that comes with a bad economy, people just want to feel good. Having sex, she said, is great for the body. It decreases depression, improves sleep and is good for overall well-being, she adds.

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Human Events reported that General David Petraeus (commander of America’s Central Command, which covers all U.S. forces in the Middle East and south Asia), reportedly said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists. Petraeus’ statement is based on current operations — the stuff reported in the press — and secret signal and human intelligence which expose the enemy’s true plans. Those secrets coupled with a disastrous set of circumstances apparently convinced Petraeus the Taliban intends to quickly consume Pakistan. Petraeus’ pessimism is understandable. Pakistan’s government has shown weakness when dealing with the Taliban, a radical Islamist enemy allied with al-Qaeda. Pakistan naively surrendered land for Taliban promises of peace that were quickly broken. Now, the insurgents are methodically transforming Pakistan into an Islamic camp. The extremists are closing on the capital and promise to continue their march until all Pakistan falls.

New owners: Taliban?

New owners: Taliban?

Pakistan is home to more than 12,000 madrassas — Islamic schools — which for more than 20 years have fed and housed hundreds of thousands of children while pushing a militant brand of Islam. Madrassas offer no instruction beyond the memorizing of the Koran, creating a widening pool of young minds that are sympathetic to militancy. Police in Punjab, Pakistan’s largest province, say more than two-thirds of suicide bombers had attended madrassas. That’s why Ibn Abduh Rehman, who directs the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, warned “We are at the beginning of a great storm that is about to sweep the country.” Pakistan has 60-100 atomic weapons and ballistic and cruise missiles. With extremists running Islamabad, the Afghan war would expand to include Pakistan and quite likely morph into a broader regional war that includes India. It’s doubtful the U.S. and NATO will commit more forces to a Central Asian region-wide war. This could become justification to quit Afghanistan and bring our forces home and accept the consequences, such an atomic missile armed al-Qaeda. Pakistan is a bomb, the fuse is burning and as Petraeus has said, time is short.

MLB on steroidsNew York Daily News reported that Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was hit with a 50-game suspension last Thursday by Major League Baseball (MLB) after tests revealed unnatural levels of a banned substance in his body, and a subsequent MLB investigation found that he used the banned female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG. The suspension served notice to players and the public that baseball’s superstars are not immune from the penalties of its drug policy and that MLB will aggressively pursue drug cheats, well beyond positive drug tests. Under MLB’s policy, a player with a medical condition that warrants use of a banned substance can apply through MLB doctors for a temporary use exemption (TUE): Ramirez, however, does not have a “TUE.”

Some people say we should have seen this stuff coming.

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

“So the Taliban lied to the Pakistani’s and now want to take over their country, are you surprised by that?  And people are using the recession as an excuse to have sex more, does that amaze you?  Or how about the news that baseball players are cheating by taking illegal drugs to enhance their performance; didn’t see that coming, right?” said Heather Hott-Irony, a sensuous metal worker with common sense oozing out of her like butter in the sun, and occasionally just as sweet and sticky.  “Come on, pull your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.  You want to stop terrorists, nuke the bastards before they nuke you.  You want to stop steroid use in baseball, ban the users and erase their records.  You want to avoid pregnancy during recessionary sex, use protection.  For crying out loud, what kind of idiots have we become?  Oh that’s right, we elected a community organizer with no governing or business experience to run our f***ing country.  Shit, we have become a nation of morons — at least the 53% who voted for Obama are.  Son of a bitch.  Where’s Reagan now that we need him.  Lucky bastard’s in heaven.  If Al Qaeda gets the bomb, we’ll probably all be joining him soon.”

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Thursday that top secret details of a U.S. military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The test launch procedures were found on a hard disk for the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense) ground to air missile defense system, used to shoot down Scud missiles in Iraq. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities and personal information on employees including social security numbers, belonging to technology company Lockheed Martin – who designed and built the system. British researchers found the data while studying more than 300 hard disks bought at computer auctions, computer fairs and eBay. No word on how the U.S. plans to keep terrorists from getting nukes when they can’t stop themselves from giving away top secrets, but at least the recessionary sex has been good.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recession ‘entertainment’ may beget new baby boom
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-05-07-economy-sex_N.htm

Two Weeks Left in Pakistan
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=31742

Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez gets 50-game suspension from MLB for using banned substance
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/2009/05/07/2009-05-07_source_dodgers_slugger_manny_ramirez_tests_positive_for_banned_substance.html

Computer hard drive sold on eBay ‘had details of top secret U.S. missile defense system’
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1178239/Computer-hard-drive-sold-eBay-details-secret-U-S-missile-defence-system.html

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U.S. Backs Taliban Political Party and Kangaroos Break Out of Zoo

> U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan says Taliban political party a good idea
> Kangaroos Escape from French zoo, remain at large

Inebriated Press
March 24, 2009

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

United Press International reported Sunday that a U.S. diplomat says the United States has sanctioned a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan as part of a new political strategy.  And Agence France-Presse reported that 15 kangaroos escaped an Australian theme park in southern France and 3 are still on the loose.  Pundits are debating whether the three kangaroos are currently managing U.S. foreign policy, and whether that’s a bad thing.

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“I’d never given it much thought before, but after U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told the Chinese not to worry about the U.S. Treasury Bills they owned because trillions of dollars in new debt won’t create inflation, and President Obama sent a letter to the Russians offering to drop European missile defense if they have a chat with Iran about slowing nuclear development,” I’m thinking that if the French kangaroos aren’t currently running U.S. foreign policy, they probably should be, it’d be an improvement,” said Sandy Mandy-Steelfile, an iron worker and part-time political theorist, who enjoys zoo animals but not when they’re elected to Congress.  “And Obama’s recent overture to the Iranians saying he wanted to start over diplomatically with them and they said fine, here are our crazy terms.  He’s an embarrassment.  Make the Taliban a political party now too?  What the hell, I guess the Republicans can’t beat the Democrats, maybe the Taliban will.  Is that a good thing?”

Someone named Neville with Friend

Someone named Neville with Friend

Not everyone has a problem with Obama’s foreign policy efforts.  “Look, Obama is a community organizer so he nurses grievances and then gets monetary solutions from government to solve things; that’s his experience and method of operation.  Iran, Russia, China, they already have issues, so Barack is just working his way around to a plan where he can take U.S. taxpayer funds and pay these countries whatever they want so they’ll like him and say nice things about us,” said Neville Dishpan-Fiberglass, Executive Director of the Foreign Policy Institute of Random Planning and Unusual Outcomes.  “We’ve already done some computer modeling of this approach and it’s been proven to be highly effective.  We’re not certain how the U.S. economy will generate $5 trillion dollars per year for each country that America is currently negotiating with, but we think if we increase corporate taxes to 90% and tax wealthy Americans at a 75% rate if they make over $10,000 per year, we’ll be able to make a dent in it.  But hey, peace in our time runs into money, and money makes the world go round.  Or some such bullshit.  I think that’s in the model too someplace.”

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

UPI reported that the United States is prepared to discuss the establishment of a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan, a U.S. diplomat says. William Wood, the outgoing U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, says the sanctioning of such a party is part of a political strategy to go along with beefed-up military efforts to end the seemingly intractable conflict. Wood said “insurgencies, like all wars … end when there is an agreement,” and while cautioning there was no way the United States could sanction “power-sharing or an enclave” for the Taliban, “there is room for discussion on the formation of political parties (or) running … for elections.” The ambassador said a political party would have to come along with a requirement that the Taliban would respect the Afghanistan constitution.

Caucusing for change

Caucusing for change

AFP reported that vandals set loose 15 kangaroos from an Australian theme park in southern France, sparking a major search operation, with three marsupials still on the loose. “When we arrived on Saturday morning, five pens had been broken open, their padlocks were smashed and the perimeter fence was torn in several places,” said Carole Masson, owner of the nature reserve in southwestern Carcassonne. “We had 15 missing kangaroos – it was complete panic. We found five in the park, and some more in the woods nearby. But three are still out there somewhere.” Firefighters, police and gendarmes were mobilized to track down the animals as they bounded through the woods. Masson said that a warning has gone out to local drivers for fear the animals could stray onto a nearby highway.

Some people say that wild kangaroos and U.S. government bureaucracy are America’s best hopes for economic strength and world peace.

Someone named Babbs

Someone named Babbs

“If kangaroos were in charge of foreign policy, they’d make sure that all animals would roam free and free animals are happy animals and that would make a huge difference among Iranians and Russians who want to wipe out Jews or wreck the U.S. economy,” said Babb’s Hornbottom, a professional weight-lifter and occasional postal recipient.  “And the entrenched U.S. government bureaucracy with all the lazy bureaucrats, aren’t going to get around to implementing all of Obama’s spending plans until his second term, at the earliest.  That should enable the U.S. economy to dodge some of the stupid programs Obama is rolling out and give the Republican controlled Congress a chance to fix things when they’re in power in two years.  No doubt in my mind that wild kangaroos and lethargic bureaucrats are going to bail America out.  If we can keep some guy from the Taliban Party from winning the White House in four years, we could turn this thing around yet.”

090324-husbandprojectIn other news, UPI reported Sunday that a 23-year-old British college student says she’s incorporating her hunt for a husband into a work of art called The Husband Project. Alex Humphrey says her efforts to find a spouse will form part of her degree from Leeds College of Art and Design. The project is scheduled to end in three months with Humphrey including her marriage certificate in her final art presentation, reported The Sunday Times of London. “I don’t want to wake up when I’m 30 and think: oh my God, I’m on my own,” said Humphrey, noting she is “looking for a relationship, not just a shag.” No word on how the Taliban Party feels about this approach to marriage, but reportedly three out of fifteen kangaroos say if it works, more power to her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Taliban political party being considered
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/03/22/Taliban_political_party_being_considered/UPI-68201237732734/

Kangaroos escape from French zoo
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25227073-23109,00.html

Woman turns husband hunt into art project
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/03/22/Woman_turns_husband_hunt_into_art_project/UPI-87631237744791/

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Porn bidding war over Octomom, Newspaper man runs strip club, and Feds seize porn, meat and booze

> Octuplet mom offered a million dollars to do porn
> Facing tough times in news business, writer turns to strip club
> Feds at Dulles Airport snag lots of porn, meat and booze

Inebriated Press
March 2, 2009

Octomom

Octomom

The Chicago Sun-Times reported Friday that the mother of octuplets born last month in California has received bids from two adult entertainment companies, including an offer of one million dollars to star in a porn movie. And, the Wall Street Journal reported recently that a writer and Pulitzer Prize nominee at the Dallas Morning News faced a probable job loss, so he made a significant career change: he’s now the manager of a topless joint.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Friday that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport say they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week including porn, vodka and pork sausage.  Inebriated reporters say that if the three events can be organized into one party we’ll have a hell of a time and forget what Obama is doing to the country.

"I won."

"I won."

“If the Dulles Feds would ship all the booze, porn and meat products to the Dallas strip club and the adult film companies would bring their guys and gals plus the Octomom to the club, we could make a weekend party that would not only be saleable on DVD or downloadable off the Internet for big bucks, but we’d completely forget that Obama is making a complete disaster of our economy for years to come,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Oldd-Boote, nursing a Jack Daniels and a grudge against the Democrats.  “Hell the event would stimulate the economy plus all of the participants. Come to think of it, we could probably get some government stimulus cash to fund the whole bash and establish a government website to distribute the video. I’m thinking StimulateAmerica.gov. Maybe we shouldn’t care what Obama is doing but go along with him and try to get a piece of the action ourselves.  It worked for the Clintons.”

Porn-made Obama

Porn-made Obama

Not everyone likes the ideas that Inebriated reporters come up with.  “It’s bad enough that the economy is in shambles and Obama is going to spend another couple trillion dollars on he and his cronies liberal ideas and saddle the country with socialism and massive perpetual debt and fraud, we sure don’t need to encourage the abandonment of the last vestiges of American ethics by partying with porn queens, octomoms and has-been newspaper men,” said Mildred Hightower-Flatbottom, an unusually attractive restaurant manager and part-time zealot.  “We should be fighting against the loss of American values including self-sufficiency, market driven economics, Judeo-Christian ethics and good common sense.  Now is not the time to give in to Chicago style politics and Pentagon bomber ethics.  Sure, I like meat, booze and sex too, but not in porno-styled theatrics or orgasmic Obama spending sprees.  Let’s settle down here.  All is not lost unless we let it.”

090302-vivid-pornotube-logos1The Chicago Sun-Times reported Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets born last month in California, received an offer of one million dollars plus a year of health insurance by Los Angeles-based Vivid Entertainment, the world’s largest adult film producer, if the unemployed 33-year-old starred in a porn movie. But rival porn company Pink Visual has responded by urging Suleman not to participate in the Vivid movie — and offered her a year’s supply of diapers for her octuplets if she turns down the offer. Pink Visual’s manager Kim Kysar said in a letter to Suleman that the company’s offer was being made as a gesture of “social responsibility.”

090302_pv_squarelogoThe rival porn offers puts Nadya Suleman, who has been at the center of a fierce debate in the media and medical arenas since giving birth to eight children last month, in the middle of a public relations spat involving rival purveyors of porn. The porn public relations offensive is the latest twist in the saga of Suleman and her octuplets, who were born on January 26. Her case has provoked outrage from health experts and the public after it emerged the babies were conceived through in vitro fertilization and that Suleman already had six children under the age of seven. Suleman was not immediately available for comment.

090302_gentlemens_clubs_dallas_b_w2The Wall Street Journal reported that just a short time ago, around the time he was turning 50, Michael Precker was in his prime as a journalist. A graduate of Columbia Journalism School, he was a foreign correspondent for 11 years in the Middle East and wrote feature articles on countless subjects for the Dallas Morning News. One year, the paper nominated him for a Pulitzer Prize. Now he has a new job: running a strip club. “I feel lucky,” he says. Mr. Precker’s career adjustment reflects the recent chaos of the newspaper business. Today he’s serving as the all-purpose manager of a 12-year-old establishment, called the Lodge. Mr. Precker’s new employer offers upscale food in a plush setting replete with a business center. Last year it won “Best Overall Club” at the Gentlemen’s Club Owners Expo in Las Vegas.

090302-meatNBC Washington reported that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport are reporting that they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week. The Feds confiscated a lot of smuggled international meat as well as porn and booze. Four pounds of pork sausage was seized. Much of the pornography collected centered around the very unfortunate thematic element of young children having sex. And the ones that only featured adults depicted these adults having sex with wild animals. And with regards to the alcohol, two bottles of vodka were brought in by a minor, from Germany.

090302-flying-moneys-b-wIn other news, NewsVine reported last week that Puerto Rico has found an unlikely solution to ease its surplus of pesky wild monkeys: ship them to Iraq. About a dozen patas monkeys will fly across the Atlantic on a commercial carrier in upcoming weeks, courtesy of the Baghdad Zoo, according to the Caribbean island’s Department of Natural Resources. Pundits once said that the United States wouldn’t abandon its ethics and capitalist ways until we saw monkeys flying in the Middle East.  So there you go.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn bidding war over octomom
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1452457,CST-NWS-oct27.article

A Reporter Faces the Naked Truth
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123447503728679243.html

Explosion Of Porn, Meat, Booze Seizures at Dulles
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Dulles-Customs-Sees-Explosion-Of-Porn-Meat-Booze-Cigar-Seizures.html

Puerto Rico decides to ship wild monkeys to Iraq
http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/02/25/2477567-puerto-rico-decides-to-ship-wild-monkeys-to-iraq

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Financially stressed? Sell bodily fluids, have your hamster generate electricity

> Weak economy boosts sales of human blood and semen
> Scientists fit hamsters with nanogenerators that produce energy

Inebriated Press
February 23, 2009

090223_blood_gas-b-wABC News reported Saturday that since the economy began to crater, Americans have been selling blood, semen, ovaries and hair to generate extra income.  And the Telegraph reported Friday that scientists have managed to harness energy-producing power from hamsters by fitting them with tiny devices that capture biomechanical energy from their bodies when they run on exercise wheels.  Some people say bodily fluids and rodents are the key to a better, brighter future … that and a little income redistribution.

“You can’t underestimate the power and importance of precious bodily fluids or hamsters when it comes time to generating stimulus cash, procreating or changing America,” said General Jack D. Ripper, a berserk character from the movie Dr. Strangelove, currently a key military and hope-and-change advisor to the Obama administration.  “Removing the life-blood, savings and equity from hard working industrious citizens and companies and giving it to people who can’t afford their sub-prime mortgages and companies who have mis-managed businesses is the best way to create a ‘fair’ society where there are no haves and have-nots, and there’s a level playing field.  Some hard working people have had greater success than slackers and drop-outs, and we have to keep moving ahead with the transfer of assets from ‘Joe the Plumber types’ to those failures.  I’m not sure about using hamsters for electricity unless PETA says its okay, but it might be alright as long as successful businesses pay for hamster distribution to needy Democrats who want them.”

For sale

For sale

Not everyone agrees with Ripper.  “If you can sell your body or parts of it for money, and generate electricity from your pets, do it.  Harnessing nature by using animal power is a historical and time-proven process, and trading your body and its parts for cash is a normal extension of the world’s oldest profession — prostitution.  Actually it’s a lot like plain-old working-for-somebody-else for a living.  Most of us are trading our lives or parts of it to others in order to earn money.  These are market driven and aren’t about social engineering at all unless you choose to make it so,” said Mary Belle Hothipps, an industrial engineer and part-time stripper at the Golden Corral Bonanza.  “To socialists everything is about ‘leveling the playing field’ to the extent that they lower the successful and capable into the same tier as the lazy or incapable.  The stimulus bill just passed by the Democrats will take years worth of earnings from the capable and give it to the incapable, and borrow from the futures of those able to generate success.  The result is a bringing down of the best and brightest while creating an artificial lifestyle for those who haven’t earned it.  This is a step backwards from true progress and represents a devolving of American society.  It’s kind of a shame really, because the Europeans who practice this approach are only able to do it because American ethics and military power is keeping them safe from tyrants.  Once the U.S. has destroyed its own economy and weakened its ethical resolve and military, who will be there to protect America?  The Canadians?  I wish.”

Modern day trader

Modern day trader

ABC News reported that desperate times call for desperate measures. Since the economy began to crater, Americans have looked inward to their very bodily fluids for a boost, selling blood, semen, even their ovaries and hair for a few extra dollars. Companies that buy and sell blood have spotted an uptick in blood donations and created marketing campaigns that encourage people to give blood in exchange for help beyond just some extra cash. Over the, summer when gas prices hit a record high, a blood bank in Las Cruces, N.M., hung a banner outside the office that advertised its offer rather plainly: “Donate plasma for gas money.”  Donations of hair and sperm are also on the rise. But while a sperm offering can return up to $200 and a yard of hair up to $2,000, they pay relatively poorly compared to young women who donate their ovaries for money — an exchange that can pay up to $10,000 or more. Though specific statistics for recent years are not yet available, fertility experts across the country have anecdotally reported an increase in egg donor applications.   

Renewable energy

Renewable energy

The Telegraph reported that Dr Zhong Lin Wang of Georgia University’s Nano Research Group developed flexible jackets that when strapped to hamsters running on an exercise wheel captures biomechanical energy released as they run.  The jackets, which are fitted with wires plugged into a nanogenerator, produce energy when they are bent and stretched. In tests one hamster named Campbell’s Dwarf produced small amounts of AC power – around one twentieth of the output of an AA battery. Although it would take 1,000 hamsters to generate enough energy to power a mobile phone, Dr Wang said the technology could have practical applications when applied to larger animals and humans. “We believe that this is the first demonstration of a live animal producing current with nano-generators,” Dr Wang said. The Doctor added that the technology could be ready to be fitted into clothes within five years. It would capture energy produced not only when humans are active, but also from smaller movements such as when people are sat at computers.

Some people say that when this new technology is combined with the billions of dollars in the Obama stimulus package earmarked for Senate majority leader and Nevada Senator Harry Reid’s high-speed train, it’s going to pay off big-time.

New stimulus workers

New stimulus workers

“When the Obama-Reid high speed train is running between Los Angeles and Las Vegas it will be hauling L.A. residents to the worlds biggest bodily fluid collection-place and energy generating system that’ll rival the Hoover dam in power and fluid management.  And this economy will turn around on a dime,” said someone claiming to be Howard Hughes, an inventor, genius and recluse often considered dead, but only because he’s had a funeral.  “Once the legal brothels of Nevada use hookers to collect bodily fluids while wearing wires plugged into nanogenerators so that their movements create electricity, we’ll have a one-stop shop where paying customers will be generating electricity and providing bodily fluids for sale all while having a good time.  You can’t beat a system that can power cities and collect fluids for science while creating new jobs and providing a sexual service for people who want it.  Some individuals are confused about how a few billion dollars to put in high speed rail from L.A. to Las Vegas can be simulative to the economy, but those folks underestimate the powerful combination of sex and science.  We’re talking about new wealth and job creation plus renewable energy without greenhouse gases.  This is a perfect example of the Obama stimulus plan.  People get screwed and money is spread around.  What’s confusing about that?”

In other news, the Scottish Sun reported Friday that tooth decay is now the third most common reason children are admitted to UK hospitals, according to officials.  Nearly 37,000 kids a year are hospitalized with bad cavities — topped only by those with chest infections and premature tots. Tories blamed a lack of NHS dentists, saying many went private when new Government contracts were launched in 2006. Minister Mike Penning said: “Labour’s decade in charge has resulted in a significant deterioration in dental health.” Dr Nick Goodwin of The King’s Fund health think-tank added: “Dentists are leaving the NHS in droves.”  No word on how soon Obama will have this type of quality national health care operating in the U.S. but once the high speed train is done and the Census Bureau has been transferred to White House political control, we can expect the progress to keep speeding up.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

In the Red! Give Blood, Get Career Advice
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/Economy/Story?id=6924271&page=4

Hamsters in jackets harnessed for energy
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/4731679/Hamsters-in-jackets-harnessed-for-energy.html

Tooth-rot children fill up our hospitals
http://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/scotsol/homepage/news/article2256492.ece

New scrutiny for stimulus
… an allocation for high-speed trains went from $300 million in the House version to $2.25 billion in the Senate version to $8 billion in the midnight conference version — with no explanation. Suspicion lingers that a large part of the funds will pay for a Disneyland-to-Las Vegas high-speed train venture supported by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.
http://www.charleston.net/news/2009/feb/17/new_scrutiny_stimulus71922/

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Porn Star Senator, Guerilla Gardeners; and Pink Slip Parties

> Porn star Stormy Daniels drafted for U.S. Senate run
> Guerilla gardening group gets busted by city council
> Pink Slip Parties — where the unemployed come to mingle

Inebriated Press
February 11, 2009

Stormy Daniels

Stormy Daniels

CNN reported yesterday that fans of porn star Stormy Daniels are drafting her to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican Sen. David Vitter.  Vitter is famous — or infamous — for his link to the “D.C. Madam,” the woman who ran a prostitution ring.  And Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported last week that mysterious gardeners were fixing Sydney’s worst eyesores — but they didn’t get city permits first so they had to stop.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported last week that bar parties for the newly unemployed — in New York’s Wall Street district they’re called Wall Street Pink Slip Parties — are being held in growing numbers for out-of-work professionals.  Inebriated reporters awake just long enough to comment, say its high time businesses, cities and states recognize the power of booze, porn and clandestine gardening to turn the economy around.

“For too long stodgy politicians have distained guerilla and vigilante groups who have creative problem solving techniques, and out-of-work professionals have sobbed alone after being laid off; and, Senators have secretly banged porn stars rather than actually being one,” said Inebriated reporter Sumer Solstice, a part-time writer, part-time stripper and part-silicon woman of wonders.  “Once Stormy is in the Senate all after hour hijinks will simply be called caucusing — and probably be a lot more productive.  And if we can get city councils to let people who want to plant flowers plant that damn things, maybe we can even find a way to get cities looking nicer without added expense, and perhaps even find some of the unemployed pink-slip party-goers some work somehow.  Jeeze Louise, let’s take down the barriers to progress and use some creativity to solve some of our problems.  Free enterprise will always trump a government attempted bail-out because the folks can generate real value and not just shuffle tax burdens from generation to generation or interest group to interest group.”

Not everyone agrees with Sumer.  “You can’t have porn workers running the federal government or let vigilante gardening clubs roam the streets planting petunias and shrubs indiscriminately, you’ll have bedlam and the next thing you know bureaucracy as we know it will start breaking down,” said Jesse Longg-Winter, a buxom brunette pet store manager, and winner of the Ms. Know-It-All Award 1998.  “I’m fine with people who are out-of-work having pink-slip parties and giving one another support and job help.  There’s nothing wrong with that kind of networking.  But let’s not accept porn queen government and guerilla gardeners.  We’ve got to keep a few standards in tact regardless how much of our children’s future Obama plans to mortgage.  Let’s not throw all the babies away with the bath water.”

Candidate for Senate

Candidate for Senate

CNN reported that fans of porn star Stormy Daniels are drafting her to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican Sen. David Vitter. And it’s no racy gimmick, they say. The Draft Stormy Web site says that “2010 presents the Pelican State with the opportunity to start with a clean slate — to elect a representative that we can be proud of, who will work tirelessly, and who will challenge the status quo. We at the Draft Stormy campaign feel that Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels is best suited to fulfill these duties.”

Vitter is famous — or infamous — for his link to the “D.C. Madam,” the woman who ran a prostitution ring. Elected to the Senate in 2004, he admitted to “a very serious sin in my past” in July 2007 after his phone number turned up in records of an escort service run by the late Deborah Jeane Palfrey, known as the D.C. Madam. Running for re-election, Vitter said his wife has forgiven him and is banking on the same sentiment from his constituents. Daniels, 29, isn’t affiliated with a party but is embracing the idea of a possible candidacy. She said she’s planning a “listening tour” around Louisiana to talk about a range of matters, including the economy — which along with women in business and protection of children are the three issues listed on her Web site. When told Vitter can be a tough opponent, she said she’s “always up for a good fight.” Senator Vitter’s office didn’t return CNN’s calls for comment.

Busted gardener

Busted gardener

The Daily Telegraph reported that using fake IDs, refusing to comply with the development application processes and wearing clever disguises – including posing as Leichhardt Council workers complete with T-shirts sporting the council’s logo – a six-person gardening gang was shut down during its 18th “hit”. The green thumb group, filming for a Channel 10 series called Guerrilla Gardeners, premiering later this month, were told to drop their tools by Sutherland Shire Council. It was the first time the team was busted before completing a project — having been busted by other councils around Sydney including Newtown, Ashfield and Canterbury — telling them to move on once they’re finished.  “It’s always a risk,” said Amy, who refused to give her full name.

Associated Press reported that the bar was crowded with well-dressed professionals enjoying drinks and conversation, a typical evening – except that many of them had no job. The event was a Wall Street Pink Slip Party, where the unemployed mix with recruiters and curious bystanders to network, look for work, and share their stories. Figures released last Friday showed that the unemployment rate hit 7.6 in January, a month with more layoffs than at any other time since 1974. Jobseekers are gathering in bars, delving into the business networking Web site LinkedIn, waiting in lines at city help centers, and even starting up hopeful conversations with prosperous-looking strangers on commuter trains – all in the hope of landing jobs in what seems to be a shrinking pool of opportunity.

Pink-slip-party

Pink-slip-party

Chandlee Bryan, a resume writer and career coach who acts as facilitator for the New York group, says the meetings help people fight off the solitude that comes with being jobless. “There’s a great deal of isolation,” she said. “That complicates the process and makes it harder, given that the majority of people find their jobs through networking.” That’s the point of the Wall Street Pink Slip Party – modeled after similar events held following the dot-com bust. Since the reincarnation was launched in November, the intensity at the parties is increasing.

Some people say that if porn workers ran the federal government everyone would have jobs, or if not, at least they’d keep their minds off their problems.

This Senate candidate has yard signs that are in demand

This Senate candidate has yard signs that are in demand

“You can only run a secret kamikaze gardening group or hang-out with other out-of-work people for so long and then you’ve got to do something to make some money and get a little action,” said someone claiming to be Bob Saget, a former comedian, former dumb video TV-show host and currently the person we’re supposedly quoting.  “That’s where good porn Senators come in. Bill Clinton wanted to offer hookers as part of national health care but didn’t have the personal discipline to pull it off.  Once he had Monica he didn’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of us.  Now a good porn worker in the Senate will bring the kinds of contacts and business experience necessary to bring about Bill’s dream.  And we’ll need more hookers and porn workers to fulfill the demand.  That puts people to work, takes folks minds off of bad times, and makes the nation so progressive that even the French will be jealous. Now we’re talk’n a serious stimulus package.”

An arresting officer

An arresting officer

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Monday that the presence of a male stripper and pictures of naked police officers brandishing their service weapons have prompted an investigation of a party thrown for members of the Gothenburg police force. The nine officers, none of whom were women, had just finished supplemental training to serve in special tactical units and included a number of seasoned veterans. The party was held in a rented cabin near Gothenburg and included the recent graduates as well as the instructors who had trained them during the six-month course. Police in Västra Götaland is western Sweden now plan to review their special forces recruiting procedures. Nothing that happened at the party was illegal, according to police. Nevertheless, it was inappropriate, they added. No word on whether the party helped improve the local economy or added to future job prospects, but when Stormy Daniels is a Senator, you can bet this kind of activity will strengthen the U.S. economy like gangbusters.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

CNN Clip:

 
Source articles:

Push to make porn star a senator no stunt, fan says
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/09/senate.porn.candidate/?iref=mpstoryview

Guerilla garden gang nipped in the bud
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25014566-5006009,00.html

Legions facing layoffs turn to parties, Internet
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/business&id=6646665

Probe to follow naked Swedish police party
http://www.thelocal.se/17450.html

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Strippernomics

Not all of the adult industry is asking for a bailout. For some, the downturn is a boom.

Dirk Smillie, 01.21.09, 06:30 PM EST
The Economy Forbes Magazine

090127-strippernomicsHustler publisher Larry Flynt and “Girls Gone Wild” king Joe Francis facetiously asked Washington for a $5 billion stimulus package for the porn industry in early January. “Americans can do without cars,” said Flynt. “They cannot do without sex.”

Or at least a reasonable substitute. Strip clubs and other adult businesses are booming as the rest of the economy craters. Rick’s Cabaret International (nasdaq: RICK – news – people ), a nationwide chain of jiggle joints, reported that for fiscal 2008, revenue is up 87% to $60 million.

Rick’s attracts 70,000 customers a month to its 19 clubs. At its New York spot alone Rick’s posted just over $1 million in revenue in December. “The stimulus package has been very, very good to us,” cracks Allan Priaulx, Rick’s head of investor relations.

Francis Koenig, the goateed, 32-year-old chief executive of AdultVest, the first hedge fund for porn, reported a 50% rise in its returns last year, though he won’t say how much or which ones delivered.

090127-stripper-pole1Koenig’s funds, called Bacchus and Priapus, invest in gentlemen’s clubs and companies that acquire them in the U.S. and Canada. AdultVest purchased strip club chain VCG Holding (nasdaq: VCGH – news – people ) last May and recently bought iPorn.com, a site that hosts online dating and live video.

Amid all this froth, AdultFriendFinder, which owns Penthouse magazine and other adult brands, floated a $400 million IPO in December, though the ticker is not trading yet.

Not that skin trade stocks are on fire. Shares of adult oriented companies like Rick’s and VCG Holdings are lagging. Others, like New Frontier Media (nasdaq: NOOF – news – people ), Playboy Enterprises (nyse: PLA – news – people ) and Private Media Group (nasdaq: PRVT – news – people ) have been in the tank for months as Web porn offered by sites like AdultFriendFinder kill adult DVD sales and slam nails in the coffins of hide-bound adult magazines.

So how to account for the sex boom? Part of it is human psychology. Strip clubs and porn sites are about consumption and discrete gratification–typically the last kinds of behavior people change when their wallet thins. It’s what makes Rick’s a cash-rich company.

090127-poleRick’s also thrives by its ability to re-brand on a dime. The Rick’s club in Philadelphia saw its sales skid recently, prompting the company to re-name it Club Onyx, after another chain of strip clubs it owns aimed at celebrity sport stars and hip hop artists. The location is right: Onyx is within a mile of sports complexes where teams like the 76ers and Eagles play. According to Priaulx, the club has since tripled sales.

In Dallas, just down the street from the future site of the George Bush Library and Institute, Rick’s has converted its latest club into another brand it owns: XTC Café. It is the largest all-nude strip club in the U.S. but does not serve booze. “I think our non-alcohol policy would make a certain former president very comfortable here,” says Priaulx.

forbes.com

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Filed under IP News, NEWS

Will Obama save the porn industry?

> Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
> Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
> Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009

Inebriated Press \ Bare-Ass News Division
January 12, 2009

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

The economic downturn has many companies looking for ways to survive, and those in the adult-entertainment industry are also finding it’s not always easy to shake a recession.

As president-elect Barack Obama unzips the U.S. Treasury’s fly and prepares to blast government bail-out money at his supporters and anyone else willing to back Democrats throughout the new century, Hustler Magazine’s Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis say it’s time to tuck some green-backs into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry too. According to MSNBC the economy has hurt the pay-for-porn industry and sales of XXX DVD’s are down 22 percent. Flynt and Francis say they want $5 billion from the government.

Cash strapped businessmen

Cash strapped businessmen

Joe Francis says “the economy has made America’s appetite for sex go limp.” And Flynt said that Congress must “rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.” Meanwhile MSNBC reported in a separate story, that “trendy sex is over in 2009.” Writer Brian Alexander said trendy-sex is done because of over-kill. He says the erotic over-load has been especially heavy on the Internet where medium is mistaken for thought. He says a lot of sex on the Web is there simply because we can put it there. Once you get over the idea that the guy with the studded leather strap around his scrotum who is doing the ironing under his wife’s stern supervision looks suspiciously like your seventh-grade science teacher (Hi, Mr. Grunwald!), much of it just isn’t very interesting.

090112-hustler1“We are sold sex the way we are sold giant flat-screen TVs, computers and beer,” writes Alexander. “Sex is like Times Square, filled with Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin, and if you fly to Paris and walk down the Champs-Elysees you will find Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin. We live in a kitschy world. Sex has now been completely subsumed into it. As a result of such overkill, there’s an atmosphere of ennui seeping into ‘trendy’ sex. Porn companies are scaling back.”

FriendFinder Networks, the family of sex hookup sites that was purchased by Penthouse Media, has been losing millions and is at risk of going out of business. Edgier sex writers at publications like The Village Voice and Wired.com have quit or lost their jobs. Alexander says his prediction does not ratify a phony moral revival. The end of sex trendiness has a lot to do with the fact that efforts to enforce religion-based sexual conservatism are over, too, at least for now. Defiance helped animate the rise of sex trends. With less force pushing in, there will be less force pushing out. Neither does it mean we are about to stop having sex, or trying things new to us, nor will we stop needing solid information about sex or having fun exploring it. Rather, people are going to choose their own sexual paths but not talk about it so much. Some will choose abstinence until marriage and monogamy and intercourse strictly for procreation. Others will experiment and explore.

090112girlsgonewildWhere does that leave Flynt and Francis? Banging away at the federal trough and hoping Bill Clinton will put in a good word for them after having some fond memories of blue dresses casually stained in the Oval Office? Or maybe it’s just the publicity that they want — and are getting — that will encourage the free-loaders to start spending on their products? Either way they’ve raised their … um … voices, just like other tax paying firms looking for a hand-out — bankers, automobile companies, insurance companies, investment firms, and other players from major industries. And what the heck, they may get it. American’s just elected a first term Democrat Senator with no management experience who says he’s going to spend trillions of un-earned dollars for years into the future, so the economy will recover from all the bad spending habits of the Republicans.

Will the federal government write Larry Flynt a stimulus check? It doesn’t seem likely, but stranger things have happened.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn industry feeling pain as expo hits Vegas
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/08/porn-industry-feeling-pain-expo-hits-vegas/

Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28545081/

Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28549145/

Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28541939

Note: Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction,” now in paperback.

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