Tag Archives: U.S. government

Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

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Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

> US Spent Less than 6% of Stimulus, as Economy Recovers
> Venezuela President Launches Affordable “Penis” Phone
> Man Buys Porn DVD, Discovers Wife Having Sex with Friend

Inebriated Press
May 15, 2009

We're spending as fast as we can

We're spending as fast as we can

Reason Magazine reported Wednesday that the U.S. federal government has spent less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February, while the economy is recovering on its own.  Both the Fed chief and head of the president’s Council of Economic Advisors say the recession will end later this year.  Vice President Joe Biden says they’re spending as fast as they can and hope to have 70% spent by summer of 2010.  And IntoMobile reported Tuesday that Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. The phone is called the “vergatorio” which is local slang for “penis.” Meanwhile, The Courier Mail reported that a man bought a porn DVD only to find footage of his wife having sex with his friend. Pundits are debating the power of a free economy, and the nature of cellular genitalia and video revelations.

Someone named Ashley

Someone named Ashley

“Good things come to those who wait, especially a solid economy if the country has a free market system with a modicum of common-sense regulation and limited taxation.  On the other hand, weird stuff will come from socialist leadership, like cell phone genitalia.  And I don’t know what to say about the poor bastard who caught his wife screwing his friend on some DVD he bought,” said Ashley Monigram-Holism, a hair care professional smitten with rational thinking and a small heat rash.  “It is rather remarkable that the U.S. economy shows signs of improvement despite the heavy corporate taxes that Obama wants to make worse, and a bizarre political system that rewards failure while forcing well-managed companies to compete against firms artificially propped up by the government.  Of course such resiliency can’t last if Obama taxes and controls private firms they way he plans to, and continues to nationalize badly run companies.  I wonder when he’ll announce his version of a penis phone.  Maybe he’ll have Chrysler and GM build environmentally friendly penis cars.  I’d like to talk more but I’m busy scanning porn DVD’s trying to find out if my husband is cheating on me.  So far so good.  Does it feel hot in here to you?”

Someone named Trixie

Someone named Trixie

Not everyone agrees with Monigram-Holism.  “The suggestion that America’s economy is improving on its own just because a tiny part of the stimulus package has been spent is absurd.  Such thinkers mistake the nature of economic recovery as something related to money, sales or GDP, when it’s really all about attitude.  President Obama’s current leadership of the free world is why all things are and will continue to become better and better,” said Trixie Dixie, an existential philosopher who gave up her job as a dish washer when Obama appointed her advisor to the U.S. Treasury.  “And don’t think that penis-based telephones, automobiles and hair care products won’t improve life on earth, and perhaps alter our understanding about race relations, gay rights and STD cures.  The more comfortable we become with goods and services that reference genitalia, the greater our capacity to contemplate the wonder of humankind within the scope of technological advancement, the social influence of Al Qaeda, and family members on porn DVD’s.  And I’m not just saying this because I use medical marijuana heavily; I’ve thought this all through.  Damn this is some good shit.”

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Reason Magazine reported that it turns out the federal government is not even efficient at wasting our money. The New York Times reports that less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February has been spent so far. The Obama administration has said it wants to spend 70 percent by the summer of 2010, so it will have to pick up the pace. Not to worry, says Vice President Biden: “I think that what you’re going to see happen here is the velocity of this will increase not just arithmetically, but geometrically here. At least, we’ve got to make that happen.” They’d better hurry, before the economy recovers on its own. Both Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Christina Romer, chairwoman of the president’s Council of Economic Advisers, say it looks like the recession will end later this year. In fact, Barclays Capital strategist Barry Knapp says it may have ended last month, which he predicts is where the National Bureau of Economic Research ultimately will locate the bottom of the downturn.

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that only 25 percent of the stimulus money will be spent by the end of this year. That’s one-quarter of a sum that stimulus enthusiasts such as New York Times columnist Paul Krugman said was woefully inadequate. “We’re trying to get the money out as quickly as we can,” says Biden, “but not too quickly, so we don’t end up really screwing up here….In 85 days we’ve gotten tens of billions of dollars out the door, and so far — knock on wood — no real big problems, no real big glitches.” In February, Nick Gillespie noted that stimulus spending always seems to come after the recession is over. Yesterday Veronique de Rugy and Eileen Norcross wondered if we’ll ever know exactly where the current batch of magically multiplying money went.

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

IntoMobile reported that Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cell phone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone. In an unprecedented product launch, Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. Hugo took the time during his weekly TV show, “Hello President,” to unveil to the world the new “Vergatorio” cell phone. He proclaimed to the world that “This telephone will be the biggest seller not only in Venezuela but the world.” Chavez went on to add that “whoever doesn’t have a Vergatario is nothing.” For those not too versed in Venezuelan slang, the name “vergatorio” is derived from the local slang for “penis.” Chavez started down the road to his historic “penis” cell phone launch when he nationalized the cell phone manufacturer that made the Vergatorio. The President-turned-cell phone-pitchman wanted to make a cell phone that was “light, beautiful, good and cheap.” The end result is the unfortunately named Vergatorio.

AffairsThe Courier Mail reported that a Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed. The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home. Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, fled their village. In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh. Lee was indicted on Tuesday on a charge of causing bodily harm to another person.

Some people say the notion of common sense and good taste are illusions forced upon the masses by the bourgeoisie.

Vibrator phone

Vibrator phone

“It’s all bullshit,” said Marxie Noble, as he sat with his penis in one hand and cell phone in the other and wondered which was which.  “Logic and taste are invented dictums being forced on the people by power mongers who want to enslave men and women with dialectical arguments about values, responsibility and rule of law.  It’s all meaningless.  Soon, countries run by enlightened dictators will prove how much better off their economies are than capitalist ones because their leaders do whatever they feel like.  For example, when Hugo launches PenisPhone 2.0 — a cell phone/vibrator combo — Venezuela’s economy will explode and become the most powerful in the world.  You think women are always on their cell phones now, wait until 2.0, they’ll be literally on-their-phones day and night.  Gives whole new meaning to the cell phone company’s ‘Family and Friends’ program.”

Penis slashing

Penis slashing

In other news, Thanhnien News reported a couple weeks ago that doctors have been reporting an increase in the number of Vietnamese men being rushed to hospital after their sexual organs have been cut off by jealous wives or girlfriends. The good news for the castrated men is that the amputated organ can be successfully reattached if it is preserved properly. Doctors say the men who have their members cut off should “hang on to their penises” and not give up hope.  A properly refrigerated penis rushed to hospital with the victim, can be successfully reattached and in most cases erections return about a month after surgery.  However, doctors say ejaculation may be delayed for a while and the penis could be a little smaller than before.  No word on whether the doctors also fix penis cell phones, but once Joe Biden is on the case, rest assured that the government will be working on it as fast as it can.  So we’ve got that going for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

Biden: We’re Spending As Fast As We Can
http://reason.com/blog/show/133466.html

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez launches affordable “Penis” phone
http://www.intomobile.com/2009/05/12/venezuelas-hugo-chavez-launches-affordable-penis-phone.html

Man busts wife, mate in porn DVD
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25473694-5013016,00.html

Men should hold onto dongs, due to recent slashes
http://www.thanhniennews.com/healthy/?catid=8&newsid=48173

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Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

> Coke ‘cans’ ad suggesting women should always be open for sex
> Condoleezza Rice knocks back ‘torture’ ambush
> Success in Sex Club biz: anything goes

Inebriated Press
May 7, 2009

Condoleezza attitudeAustralia’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that Coca-Cola has been forced to can a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. And the U.K. Telegraph reported Saturday that Condoleezza Rice defended the Bush administration actions that a group of Stanford students called torture, when they ambushed her recently. Said Rice: “If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people, then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”  Meanwhile, an investigative reporter for KLAS-TV Las Vegas reported last week that the secret to sex clubs success, is that they offer nearly anything you want, with anyone who’s willing.  Pundits are wrestling over ideas of whether women should always be available for sex in Las Vegas, or everywhere Coke is sold, and whether Condi Rice should be the current U.S. president.

Someone named Tony

Someone named Tony

“Condi Rice should be president and Sarah Palin the vice president right now. We’d have common sense, governing experience, and two hot women who don’t take shit from anybody running the country; and have something going for us, instead of this see-a-problem-throw-money-at-it, and see-an-enemy-kiss-their-ass bullshit,” said Tony Krushim-Twice, a small business owner who doubles as a bouncer down at the Dance -n- Jerk Lounge and Weight Lifting Club.  “As far as women being available for sex, that’s their business.  They want to sell it in Vegas or give it away wherever Coca-Cola is sold, that’s up to them.  It’s about personal freedom and individual rights.  I hate all of Obama’s nanny-state crap where federal bureaucrats and politicians are supposed to know better than we are, and they take over half of our income to give to other people and then tell us how to live, because they supposedly know better.  That’s bull.  Condi and Sarah wouldn’t take that crap, or try to pass it off as ‘hope and change’ when its totalitarianism dressed up in socialists clothing.  We should ride Obama and his minions out of D.C. on a rail.  I’m a free man.  That’s what the founders of America had in mind.  That’s what we’ve got to get back to in America.  Damn straight.”

Someone named Susan

Someone named Susan

Not everyone agrees with Krushim-Twice.  “The liberal government knows better than regular Americans do, and should be telling us what we can and can’t do, and how much money we get to keep from our paychecks and how much should be spread around by helpful bureaucrats and Democrats.  No one has a right to freedom, or the money they earn, or where and if they live, only the State can grant that,” said Susan Nayzil-Squez, a terrorist sympathizer who currently advises the U.S. Department of Defense when she’s not protesting against American’s right to bear arms.  “If the State says women should be available for sex then they should be available for sex.  If the State says Coca-Cola has to pay U.S. taxes in addition to foreign taxes on all the money they earn outside of the U.S. then they have to pay them.  It’s not about whether U.S. companies survive or leave the U.S. entirely due to the tax structures that the Obama administration is rolling out, it’s about fairness as defined by those in power.  And Obama is the State today, and the State is power, so he’ll tell you what ‘fair’ is.  It’s not complicated.  Authoritarianism has been around for centuries, just not in America.  You’ll get used to it.  Just do whatever Barack says, and you’ll be fine.  If you won’t, well, then expect to be marginalized, taxed out of business, and basically destroyed.  You don’t want that, so just play along.  That’s how these regimes work.  American’s are kind of slow to figure this out, but they’ll fall in line after a few hard knocks.”

Hot CokeThe Daily Telegraph reported that Coca-Cola has been forced to stop running a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. The Advertising Standards Bureau found the advertisement, though light-hearted, was inappropriate to be on TV when children were watching. In the ad a “hero” man who is breaking up with his girlfriend at a roadside cafe is suddenly surrounded by pole dancers. His dumped girlfriend acknowledges the man doesn’t want to be with just one woman, then offers: “Just call me when you want to have fun”. A series of complaints to the advertising watchdog argued the ad degraded women and promoted casual sex for men. The board noted the ad suggested “men should have multiple partners and that women should make themselves available for sex or ‘fun’ whenever the man wants.” “We certainly did not mean to cause offence,” Coke said in a statement to the bureau.

Condi is for real; picture is faked

Condi is for real; picture is faked

The Telegraph reported that Condoleezza Rice behaved magnificently while being ambushed by left-liberal students at Stanford University with a series of “difficult” questions about torture, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and US foreign policy under George W Bush. The article said her coolness under fire is magnificent, but more impressive still is her refusal to duck the issues. “Sorry we have to leave”, an official can be heard saying off camera, but Condi isn’t going to take the easy way out: she wants to stand up for her principles and put the pantywaists in their place. “Let me tell you something: unless you were there in a position of responsibility after September 11 you cannot possibly imagine the dilemmas that we faced in trying to protect Americans,” she says.

Rice went on: “A lot of people are second guessing now but let me tell you the second guessing that would have hurt me more is if there had been 3,000 more Americans dying because we didn’t do everything we could to protect them. If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”

Condi is similarly robust when rebutting the suggestion that the US has no place dealing with regimes like Saudi Arabia: “You don’t have the luxury in foreign policy of not dealing with a country because you don’t like its human rights practices.” And she is quite withering when the pallid leftie student tries having a go at her about supposed torture at Guantanamo. “Did you know that Guantanamo was called a ‘model medium security prison’ by representatives of the Organization of Security and Cooperation in Europe?” The student reluctantly concedes he hasn’t. “Maybe before you make allegations about Guantanamo, you should READ,” says Condi, with exquisitely measured scorn.  The Telegraph writer said Condi Rice is the “person of color” America really needs in charge right now.

kinky sex clubKLAS-TV Las Vegas reported that sex clubs offer nearly anything you want with anyone who’s willing. They operate in a world of loose regulation, weak enforcement and an anything goes attitude. Technically they are illegal. From wife-swapping to whips and chains, it’s yours if you want it. There is a huge market for clubs that offer every fantasy imaginable for just an entrance fee. County code says that won’t fly. So, why hasn’t there been a crackdown? The answer is more complicated than you’ve heard before. It’s where money, power and sex all come together.

“From bondage, to transgender to Bi to whatever else, we’re the ‘everybody else’ club,” said Mike Powers, the owner and operator of Power Exchange, the newest sex club in Las Vegas. “It’s part of an open-minded alternative aspect of society. It’s like the Elks Club or the Lions, kind of club for extreme interests, perverse interests or bizarre interests.” Clark County code calls sex clubs a “public nuisance.” It defines them as places for “adult social sexual encounters”, where patrons can “voluntarily engage in and/or view” live sex. So, if the county prohibits it, how do the clubs stay in business? The issue is money. Powers brings money into the economy. Powers thinks the county looks the other way because of the taxes and attention he brings to Las Vegas. No one from Clark County or the commissioners wanted to go on camera for the story. They tell Eyewitness News they stand by the ordinance.

Some people say that rule of law is only as strong as its enforcement, and that freedom and democracy is only as strong as its defenders.

Someone named Lynn

Someone named Lynn

“If you can break the law and get away with it, what good is law?  If you say you have individual freedom but the State runs your life, confiscates your financial property through taxation and tells you what doctor you can see and who you can’t, takes ownership of auto companies, insurance companies and financial firms, then dictates executive salaries and so forth, what freedom do you really have,” asked Lynn Browne-Sugare, a bastion of female genius tucked subtly inside a sweet package and sprinkled with common sense.  “Power is at the center of every government and its decisions.  Any time the government increases taxes they take your freedom to spend where you want, on what you want, and where you want, and replace it with a politician’s or bureaucrat’s vision of ‘what’s best’.  Little by little your freedom erodes until all that’s left is the idea, not the reality.  If you won’t stand up for personal freedom and individual rights, the government sure as hell won’t do it for you.  The government will do it to you. What starts as statism, with the government growing in size, scope and power, gradually becomes socialism, then totalitarianism.  Maybe even dictatorship.  Call it what you want, you lose freedom every time the government makes another decision for you, takes another dime from your pocket, ‘helps’ you do what you should be doing for yourself.  Pull your heads out of your collective asses, Americans.  Your freedom is being usurped even as you read this.  Only you can stop it.”

Orwell's 1984In other news, The Boston Globe reported yesterday that MoveOn.org is funding ad’s backing Obama’s push for nationalized healthcare while marginalizing private insurance companies who believe that they can’t compete with taxpayer funded government health insurance. In the ad, two men complain about the public plan option. “It’ll be a disaster for us,” one says.  The second says, “A public healthcare plan means affordable healthcare for everyone. You know what that means. ” The first answers, “Healthy people living longer.”  No word on why you’ll be healthier and live longer if you give control of your healthcare to politicians and bureaucrats who have mismanaged Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and virtually all health and retirement related funding in the U.S. But then maybe we’ve forgotten that it’s all about power.  And the less power you have, the better the government will be able to ‘help’ you.  After all, in the Land of Hope and Change, we are no longer endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Only the State can grant those.  Anyone who questions this is on Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.  And the sad thing is, I’m not making that shit up.  Homeland Security came out and said so.  This isn’t 2008 anymore.  This is 2009’s developing version of Orwell’s 1984.
 
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Coca-Cola forced to can ad over woman available for sex
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25422198-5006007,00.html

Coca-Cola’s pulled ad:

Condi Rice sticks it to the Stanford bleeding hearts
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/james_delingpole/blog/2009/05/02/condi_rice_sticks_it_to_the_stanford_bleeding_hearts

Condi kicks ass, YouTube clip:

I-Team: Tricks of the Trade in Las Vegas Sex Clubs
http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10275829&nav=menu102_2

Ad spoofs funeral directors on Obama health plan
http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/05/ad_spoofs_funer.html

moveon.org ad:

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U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

> Industry experts call U.S. cyber-security “embarrassing”
> Kenyan women begin week-long sex strike to protest country’s leadership
> Swedish court rules Madonna of Orgasm Church unacceptable

 
Inebriated Press
May 1, 2009
 

Cyber security

Cyber security

BBC News reported Wednesday that industry experts say the U.S. governments cyber defenses are “embarrassing” and “childlike”.  They call the system “broken”, and the government admits its “vulnerable to attack”.  And, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday that thousands of Kenyan women vowed to begin a week-long sex strike to protest their country’s bickering leadership.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Wednesday that the Madonna of Orgasm Church has suffered a disappointing setback following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. Pundits are debating the offensive nature of cyber crime, sex as a weapon, and orgasm as god.
 

Someone named Sandi

Someone named Sandi

“Without question the ease of penetration with which China and Russia have been entering the U.S. power grid, and slipping into the Department of Defense computer system in recent weeks, displays a level of zero will-power on the part of our federal government to get serious about stopping cyber-rapists from getting into the panties of our military and energy systems,” said Sandi Hewlet-Packing, a flesh and blood security analyst and high-tech aficionado, only partially silicon based.  “I’m not big on hyperbole, but this is some serious shit.  If American women have to go on a sex-strike and not let men touch us until the problem is fixed, it’s worth considering.  I know it’ll be especially hard on worshipers of the orgasm as god, but hey, you do what you have to in order to create reasonable change.  Or some bullshit like that.”
 

Someone named Laura

Someone named Laura

Not everyone agrees with Hewlet-Packing.  “So what if some hackers get into the U.S. power grid or defense system, it’s not like they’re screwing up the results of the lottery or American Idol, or something important like that.  You can’t be turning off sex and religion like a light switch; the very idea is just plain wrong,” said Laura Padron-Saint, a cigar smoking misanthrope who’s ideas are often compared favorably to those of a community organizer.  “The American form of government is based on openness, and nothing should hinder anyone from gaining access to or diddling with anything we have.  That’s true of our citizenship, our top secret files, and our dirty underwear.  Now it’s also true that in my personal life I did that for a while and will be on medication for various forms of STD’s for the rest of my life, so I’ve had to slow down a little.  Still it’s a philosophy that I’d like to suggest is really healthy for the country, even if it didn’t work out very well for me personally.”
 
cyber securityBBC News reported that America’s cyber-security has been described as “broken” by one industry expert and as “childlike” by another. Tim Mather, chief strategist for security firm RSA, told BBC News: “The approach we have relied on for years has effectively run out of steam. I think we are seeing a real breaking point in security with consumers, business and even government saying enough, no more. Let’s rethink how we do this because the system is broken.” Alan Paller from security research firm SANS Institute said the government’s cyber defenses were “embarrassing”.  Over the past couple of weeks, the heat has been turned up on the issue of cyber-security following some high profile breaches. One involved the country’s power grid which was said to have been infiltrated by nation states. The government subsequently admitted that it was “vulnerable to attack”. Meanwhile reports during the RSA conference surfaced that spies had hacked into the Joint Strike Fighter Project. The topic is on the radar of politicians, who have introduced a number of bills to address security in the virtual world.

women-strikeThe San Francisco Chronicle reported that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. Leaders from Kenya’s largest and oldest group dedicated to women’s rights, the Women’s Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Eleven women’s groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.
 

A religious experience?

A religious experience?

The Local reported that the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) has suffered a disappointing reversal following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. The church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua who resides in Lövestad in southern Sweden, has been fighting a lengthy legal battle in his bid to have the Madonna of Orgasm Church registered as a faith community in Sweden. “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust; it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’” Bebeacua hoped that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community in Sweden would encourage more people to consider the orgasm as God. According to the appeals court, the name of Bebeacua’s Madonna of Orgasm Church “violates what is considered acceptable praxis” and therefore can be denied registration as a faith community. Specifically, the court took issue with juxtaposition of the words “Madonna”, “orgasm”, and “church”.

"I Bite" TIn other news, the Northern Florida Daily News reported that a husband and wife had been drinking at the Swamp nightclub on Okaloosa Island, when the woman became upset with her husband yelled at him, slapped him and then bit him on the right cheek. According to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, the deputy saw bloody mucus and skin on the woman’s blouse. The woman’s husband said he shoved her several times in self defense after she slapped him multiple times, the report said. When asked about the bite mark, the man said, “I guess she slapped me.”  No word on whether he thinks U.S. cyber security is “childlike” or if he’d rather his wife went on a sex-strike rather than bite pieces off of him, but maybe if he joins the Church of Orgasm things will start turning around for the poor bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com  

 
Source articles:
 
US cyber-security ’embarrassing’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8023793.stm
 
Kenyan women’s group tells men: Make war? No love
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/04/29/international/i084758D26.DTL
 
Court climax premature for Madonna of Orgasm Church
http://www.thelocal.se/19154/20090429/
 
Husband’s flirting provokes wife’s biting
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_17013___article.html/husband_report.html

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Analysis: How to produce high approval ratings for Obama

Steve McCann
American Thinker
April 23, 2009

Just read an AP report: the percentage of Americans that think the country is on the right track rose to 48% in March as compared to 40% in February. In light of the unemployment rising, the debacle in foreign affairs etc, I found it unlikely.  So I looked into the details of the poll.

73% of the Democrats polled thought we were on the right track
17% of Independents
10% of Republicans

That made it even more suspicious as to how those numbers could result in a 48% overall right track vote.

So digging deeper, it turns out

36% of those polled were Democrats
18% Republican
26% Independent
18% None claimed

In the 2008 election the spread between Democrats and Republicans was 6.5 percentage points not 18 and independents made up 22% of the vote not 26%.

It appears that there have been similar distortions in the various polls measuring Obama’s approval ratings.

Source:
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/04/how_to_produce_high_approval_r.html

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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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Creepy Human-like Creature, Obama has U.S. on Right Track, and Cows are 80% Human

> Mysterious Human-like Creature Photographed in Middle East
> Poll says Americans like Obamanomics and Massive Debt
> Cow Genome Mapped, 80% Like Human Beings

Inebriated Press
April 27, 2009

Cow Girl.  The percent is unimportant.

Cow Girl. The percent is unimportant.

Qatar’s Gulf Times reported last Thursday that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was spotted and photographed by a frightened woman who saw it in a parking lot; as did other witnesses.  And Associated Press reported last Thursday that an AP Poll says that more Americans than not believe President Obama has the country on the right track; this despite millions of job loses, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of new U.S. debt.  Meanwhile, VOA News reported last Friday that scientists have completed the genetic sequence of the cow and found that they have 80% of the same genes as humans.  Debate over what constitutes a human being and what passes for common sense is gushing around like nasal mucus on a pollen-laden hyper-allergenic spring day.

Someone named Patti

Someone named Patti

“There is a holistic oneness in the universe and as science and chance play together across time, we’ll all come to realize that humans and animals are the same, and logic and insanity are identical, and truth and lies are meaningless concepts enveloped in a cloud of knowledge and ideals, concepts and silicon enhancements,” said Patti Ethos-Mariment, an existentialist philosopher and part-time stripper down at the Meaningless Platitude Strip Club and Lawn Care Outlet.  “Money and debt are mere concepts, as are cows and humans, Middle Eastern creatures and Barack Hussein Obama.  Reality is what we say it is, and Obamanomics is merely a form of eastern mysticism like the idea of Hitler.  They’re all thinly veiled notions that play upon our minds like fireflies in the sky on a warm summer night.  As humans become more knowledgeable, we set aside petty things like the war against terror, or fiscal responsibility and individual freedom.  Barack is the light bringer.  He will lead us to a greater understanding of the meaninglessness of money, the benefit of irrational hope and undefined change.  He is a god.”

Someone named Vicki

Someone named Vicki

Not everyone is inhaling the stuff that Ethos-Mariment is smoking.  “So we have some of the same genes as a cow does, and creepy creatures other than Iran’s Ahmadinejad inhabit the Middle East, that doesn’t make people into cows or crazy Islamofascists into non-humans, though they’re closer than you might think,” said Vicki Vixen-Hothips, a curvy blonde SWAT Team member who can kill a man at twenty paces with either her enhanced 9 mm Beretta or her enhanced double-D looks.  “And blowing trillions of dollars on ‘stimulus’ like tattoo removal and high speed trains without a business plan or needs analysis, is riskier than a SWAT member fighting gang members with Uzi’s while wearing no protection other than a leather bustiere or a Trojan prophylactic.  It may be a real rush at first, but in the end you’re dead as hell.  Physically, economically.”

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

The Gulf Times of Qatar reported that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was sighted on the Doha Corniche’s parking lot, according to a report published in a local Arabic daily. The report is based on the statement of an Arab expatriate lady who said she had seen the strange figure near the Oryx statue while walking in the area. Quoting the woman, the daily said she took a picture of it, in spite of being terribly frightened. “She was very soon surrounded by a large number of people who also attested to the fact of what she had seen. But it suddenly disappeared out of their sight when they tried to go near it,” the report added.

American Politico

American Politico

Associated Press reported that while there are millions of people jobless, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of dollars in U.S. debt, yet, for the first time in years, more Americans than not say the country is on the right track. In a sign that Barack Obama has inspired hopes for a brighter future in the first 100 days of his presidency, an Associated Press-GfK poll shows that 48 percent of Americans believe the United States is headed in the right direction – compared with 44 percent who disagree. The “right direction” number is up 8 points since February and a remarkable 31 points since October, the month before Obama’s election.

Even if they don’t always like what he’s doing, Americans seem content for now that the president is taking action to correct the nation’s course. He’s doing something, anything, and that’s better than nothing. Obama is not the first president who has sought to shape the nation’s psychology, tapping the deep well of American optimism to effect policy and politics. Most Americans say Obama is changing things at about the right speed. But nearly a third say he’s trying to change too many things too quickly. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted April 16-20 by GfK Roper Public Affairs and Media. It involved telephone interviews on landline and cell phones with 1,000 adults nationwide. The margin of sampling error was plus or minus 3.1 percentage points.

Cows-R-Us

Cows-R-Us

VOA News reported that an international consortium of researchers has completed mapping the genetic blueprint of the domestic cow, a source of nutrition and livelihood for billions of people around the world. Scientists say the landmark accomplishment will lead to better food production and improvements in human medicine. Researchers found that humans share 80 percent of their genetic sequence with cows, according to the scientists, who say we’re more closely related to bovines than to rats and mice. Scientists compared the cow genome to that of seven other mammals – including the human, dog, rat, mouse, opossum and platypus – and found they share a core set of more than 14,000 genes. “What that means is that when we want to study something that’s a human protein we might get better information by studying it in cattle than in mice and rats,” said Kim Worley a researcher from the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas.

Funeral Director LouiseIn other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported last Thursday that Louise Ryan is believed to be Britain’s youngest female funeral director. At 20 years of age, Miss Ryan says she never wanted to be stuck in any ordinary job – so she figured it was only natural to follow in her father’s footsteps and work with the dead. “I know it’s a strange job for a girl of my age but I really enjoy it,” Louise said.  “People think it’s a bit weird or macabre, but dealing with dead bodies just doesn’t bother me. The most important thing is to care for families at a difficult time.”  After training with her father Michael, Miss Ryan has now been given the go-ahead to direct funerals herself. 

Louise Ryan

Louise Ryan

No word on whether she’s willing to preside over funerals for weird Middle Eastern creatures, 80% human cows or a hyper-inflated U.S. economy, but if Obamanomics creates the level of inflation that some economists fear that it will, it’s good to know a caring and hot looking funeral director will be there to offer us comfort.  And so the existential world turns.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Mysterious figure ‘spotted’
http://www.gulf-times.com/site/topics/article.asp?cu_no=2&item_no=286384&version=1&template_id=36&parent_id=16

AP Poll: After Obama’s 100 days, US on right track
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_OBAMA_100_DAYS_AP_POLL?SITE=ININS&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Researchers Reveal Complete Genetic Sequence of Cow
http://www.voanews.com/english/2009-04-24-voa1.cfm

The woman funeral director aged 20 who is deadly serious about her career choice
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1172841/Pictured-Britains-youngest-woman-funeral-director-deadly-career.html

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Senator Money Grubbing, Subway Boob Grabbing, While Waterboarding Pays Off Big

> California Dem uses taxpayer money to get hubby $13 mil.
> Subway groper grabs and runs, says “it’s a free country”
> Obama intel chief says waterboarding worked; statement cut from Obama’s CIA release

Inebriated Press
April 24, 2009

Feinstein and friend at recent event

Feinstein and friend at recent event

The Washington Times reported Tuesday that Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that awarded her husband’s firm a lucrative contract. At the time of the deal Feinstein’s husband bought 10 million shares in the company whose value then leapt on the government award, increasing over a dollar per share for a tidy $13.4 million in profit. 

UK’s The Sun reported Tuesday that Colin Franklin assaulted five women in the subway during a 16-month spree across London, where he grabbed their breasts.  One girl screamed “What do you think you’re doing?” and he said “It’s a free country.”  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that Adm. Dennis C. Blair, Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a memo last week that harsh interrogation techniques did produce significant information that helped fight terrorism.  Blair’s assessment was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday.  Some pundits say all’s fair in money grubbing and boob grabbing, and freedom-fighting terrorists should be left alone.

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

“Government corruption and cronyism is a long standing tradition among societies just like sexual assault and murder, and the fact that it’s going on shows how vital and healthy a social system is,” said Mabel Maibee-Moron, a postal recipient, part time vagrant and full time Obama supporter.  “Let’s not get confused by some minor income redistribution efforts that well meaning Democrats are engaged in, or by boob grabbers — heaven knows I’d like mine grabbed way more than they are.  A little freelance boob grabbing is good for everybody.  But on the waterboarding crap, that’s got to stop.  Just because some people crashed planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11 and would have destroyed buildings in downtown Los Angeles if we hadn’t waterboarded that al Qaeda guy for the intel that stopped it, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect their right to disapprove of our country.  We’ve got to be more tolerant.  Thankfully Barack is hanging with the Iranian president, and South American dictators like he did back in Chicago with the Pentagon bomber and anti-American pastor.  Finally we’re respecting violent dissent the way we should.”

Someone named Lilly

Someone named Lilly

Not everyone agrees with Maibee-Moron.  “All the talk about hope and change spun by Obama and the Democrats and now what are they doing with it?  Robbing the country blind and setting us up for hyper inflation and economic ruin, all while dismantling the system that has kept the country safe since 9-11.  Pardon my French, but this is bullshit,” said Lilly Sunn-Beem, a landscape contractor in the flower of womanhood, who despite a sunny disposition is put off by morons of all stripes.  “We have official government corruption as well as unofficial cronyism.  Hell, the head of Treasury who oversees the IRS cheats on his taxes — I guess he won’t be audited this year.  And nobody grabs my boobs unless I want them too.  It’s as bad as Obama taking my money and handing it to vagrants who’ve done nothing for it, except this is physical.  Coping a feel is not a ‘right’.  Regarding waterboarding, hell, we’ve waterboarded more of our own military personnel as part of their training than we’ve ever waterboarded terrorists.  And when it saves lives and protects the country, you do it.  Is there no common sense left in Washington?  Is everyone there just padding their pockets and spending our money with no time left to think clearly?  Holy shit.”

Gett'n grabby

Gett'n grabby

The Washington Times reported that on the day the new Congress convened this year, Sen. Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that had just awarded her husband’s real estate firm a lucrative contract to sell foreclosed properties at compensation rates higher than the industry norms. Mrs. Feinstein’s intervention on behalf of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. was unusual: the California Democrat isn’t a member of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs with jurisdiction over FDIC; and the agency is supposed to operate from money it raises from bank-paid insurance payments – not direct federal dollars.   

About the same time of the contract award, Feinstein’s husband Richard Blum’s private investment firm, CB Richard Ellis Group (CBRE), reported to the Securities and Exchange Commission that it and related affiliates had purchased more than 10 million new shares in CBRE. The shares were purchased for the going price of $3.77; CBRE’s stock closed Monday at $5.14. That’s an increase of $1.37 a share and at 10 million shares that’s $13.4 million dollars in “found money.”  I wish my 401k had that kind of earning power, but I’m not married to Feinstein.

UK subwayThe Sun reported Colin Franklin, 43, sexually assaulted five victims aged between 17 and 25 in a 16-month spree across London, it is alleged. Daniel Robinson, prosecuting, told Southwark Crown Court jurors Franklin first struck at Kilburn Underground Station, in North West London, on May 2, 2007. He flicked his travelcard towards a teen’s legs then at the top of a flight of stairs “stretched out and grabbed her right breast”, the court was told. The girl screamed out: “What do you think you are doing?” to which he allegedly remarked: “It’s a free country”. CCTV footage then showed Franklin, who fled on to a Tube, acting suspiciously as he changed from a southbound to a northbound train.

Tradition?

Tradition?

Franklin got on a Tube at Caledonian Road, North East London, and as another victim sat reading a newspaper he appeared next to her on the other side of a glass partition, the court was told. Mr Robinson added: “He said something like ’that looks nice’. “She looks up and feels two hands groping her breasts. Naturally she is alarmed. He jumped off the train at Manor House.” Franklin, of Beckenham, Kent, was eventually arrested on December 8, last year. He denies five counts of sexual assault. The trial continues.

The New York Times reported that President Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a private memo last week that the harsh interrogation techniques banned by the White House did produce significant information that helped the nation in its struggle with terrorists. Admiral Blair’s assessment that the interrogation methods did produce important information was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday. Also deleted was a line in which he empathized with his predecessors who originally approved some of the harsh tactics after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Waterboarding

Waterboarding

“I like to think I would not have approved those methods in the past,” Blair wrote, “but I do not fault those who made the decisions at that time, and I will absolutely defend those who carried out the interrogations within the orders they were given.” Admiral Blair’s private memo was provided by a critic of Mr. Obama’s policy. His assessment could bolster Bush administration veterans who argue that the interrogations were an important tool in the battle against al Qaeda. Gen. Michael V. Hayden, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency under Mr. Bush, said on Fox News Sunday last weekend that “the use of these techniques against these terrorists made us safer. It really did work.” Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in a separate interview with Fox, endorsed that conclusion and said he has asked the C.I.A. to declassify memos detailing the gains from the harsh interrogations.

Boob grab tech

Boob grab tech

In other news, Ohio’s Dayton Daily News reported Wednesday that Warren County is saying “no thank you” to federal stimulus funds. The county is the only one in the state that has rejected stimulus money for transportation improvements, according to the Ohio Department of Transportation. Commissioners rejected $373,000 in stimulus money to buy three new transit buses and upgrade their fleet, citing their opposition of deficit spending for buses and vans. “I’ll let Warren County go broke before taking any of Obama’s filthy money,” Commissioner Mike Kilburn said. “I’m tired of paying for people who don’t have. As Reagan said, ‘Government is not the answer, it’s the problem.'”  No word on how Kilburn feels about boob grabbing on the subway, Feinstein’s money redistribution or waterboarding, but since the guy’s got both common sense and balls, he’s probably pissed off at a lot of the crazy shit going on in America today.  Let’s clone him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

EXCLUSIVE: Senator’s husband’s firm cashes in on crisis
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/21/senate-husbands-firm-cashes-in-on-crisis/print/

‘Lovely boobs, can I grab ’em?’
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2387799.ece

Banned Techniques Yielded ‘High Value Information,’ Memo Says
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/22/us/politics/22blair.html?_r=3

Warren County to Obama: Keep your ‘filthy money’
http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/warren-county-to-obama-keep-your-filthy-money-90323.html

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Terrorists freed after promising to be good, Underwear protests, and, America goes Socialist

> 170 al-Qaida suspects released after pledging to behave
> Women attacked in bar mail pink underwear to anti-women-in-bars group
> American economy morphing into French socialism

Inebriated Press
February 13, 2009

Damn French Socialist

Damn French Socialist

The New York Daily News reported this week that Yemen released 170 al-Qaida terrorist suspects after they signed pledges against terrorism. And BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar are sending underwear to a right-wing activist group.  Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported in a story titled “We are all Socialists Now,” that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and that as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more French.  Pundits are debating whether getting terrorists to promise they’ll be good, embracing socialism, and resisting terror by sending undergarments through the mail, is enough to fix the economic and ethical challenges we face in today’s world.

“I’m all for trying new approaches to old problems, but the idea of using old-failed approaches to current problems isn’t only stupid, it’s naive and dangerous,” said Helene Curtis, a suave red-headed investment banker, with smarts and a body that causes paralysis in four out of five dentists who chew gum.  “The French economy has been a wreck for years, why would the U.S. want to emulate that? And terrorists tell lies like it’s their common language, you can’t believe them when they promise they’ll ‘behave.’  And when it comes down to battling a pro-Taliban-values group that beat women who go into bars — by sending them underpants in the mail — you know we’ve left go of reality as well as common sense.  The reality is we have to fight for civilization by crushing those who would crush us, and cut taxes and free businesses that create jobs and power the economy — not expand bureaucratic government that does nothing but suck the money and freedom out of it’s citizens, the larger it gets.  We have to limit government and terrorists.  Left to their own devises they become the same: totalitarian dictators.”

The French in the Old Days

The French in the Old Days

Not everyone agrees with Curtis. “Fighting violence with violence and forcing the market to drive the economy rather than thoughtful bureaucrats is an enormous mistake that has resulted in the twisted social-economic reality that the world faces today — more food, medical care, goods and services for more people than ever before in the history of the world — and this has got to stop because it’s risky and dangerous,” said someone claiming to be an evangelist and mortician named Ralph Nader, who was rumored to have run for U.S. president, but no one knows for sure.  “Left on it’s own with a modest set of rules every marketplace is scary and unsafe, they must be managed and controlled by well-meaning socialists who only want what’s best for us after they have enough.  You can’t let an economy be run by marketplace demand and allow bad businesses to fail.  It’s ethics like those that get you into trouble.  I’m not sure how, but  I know I’m right.  I’ve always been right.  Everyone on the left is right.  Or something like that.”

090113-dominate-b-wThe New York Daily News reported that Yemen released 170 men it had arrested on suspicion of having ties to al-Qaida, security officials said, two weeks after the terror group announced that Yemen had become the base of its activities for the whole Arabian peninsula. The men were freed Friday and Saturday after signing pledges not to engage in terrorism — a strategy the Yemeni government has often used with those suspected of fighting in militant causes abroad. Elements of al-Qaida have long found a haven in Yemen’s remote hinterland. Last month, Saudi al-Qaida fugitives in Yemen and their Yemeni associates announced in an Internet video that they were joining forces to form a single group. On Saturday, Saudi Arabia issued a list of 85 most wanted living abroad that included two Yemenis. Many of the Saudis on the list are suspected of hiding out in Yemen as well. The officials who announced the release spoke on condition of anonymity because they are not allowed to speak to the press.

Underwear protest poster

Underwear protest poster

BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar have gathered together to send a provocative gift of underwear to right-wing activists. More than 5,000 people, including men, have joined the Facebook group, which calls itself the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women. The group says it will give the pink underwear to Sri Ram Sena (Army of Lord Ram) on Valentine’s Day on Saturday. It was blamed for the bar attack in the southern city of Mangalore last month. Pramod Mutalik, who heads the little known Ram Sena and is now on bail after he was held following the attack, has said it is “not acceptable” for women to go to bars in India.

Last month’s attack in Mangalore, which was filmed and then broadcast on national television, shocked many Indians. Television pictures showed men chasing and beating up the panicking women. Some of the women, who tripped and fell, were kicked by the men. Women’s groups strongly condemned the attack, which was described by the country’s Women’s Minister Renuka Chaudhury as an attempt to impose Taliban-style values. The Hindu nationalist BJP government in Karnataka state distanced itself from the attack. It said it had nothing to do with Sri Ram Sena. But a BBC correspondent says that right-wing Hindu vigilante groups loosely linked to the BJP are active in many parts of India and have in the past targeted Muslim and Christian minorities as well as events such as Valentine’s Day.

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Newsweek Magazine reported that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more like the French.  In essence, everyone is becoming socialist. The article went on to say that the U.S. remains a center-right nation in many ways—particularly culturally, and our instinct, once the crisis passes, will be to try to revert to a more free-market style of capitalism—but it was, under a conservative GOP administration that we enacted the largest expansion of the welfare state in 30 years: prescription drugs for the elderly. People on the right and the left want government to invest in alternative energies in order to break our addiction to foreign oil. And it is unlikely that even the reddest of states will decline federal money for infrastructural improvements.

Authors Jon Meacham and Evan Thomas wrote that if we fail to acknowledge the reality of the growing role of government in the economy, insisting instead on fighting 21st-century wars with 20th-century terms and tactics, then we are doomed to a fractious and unedifying debate. The sooner we understand where we truly stand [we’re all socialists], the sooner we can think more clearly about how to use government in today’s world. Whether we like it or not—or even whether many people have thought much about it or not—the economic numbers clearly suggest that we are headed in a more European direction.

French approach to global warming

French approach to global warming

A decade ago U.S. government spending was 34.3 percent of GDP, compared with 48.2 percent in the euro zone—a roughly 14-point gap, according to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. In 2010 U.S. spending is expected to be 39.9 percent of GDP, compared with 47.1 percent in the euro zone—a gap of less than 8 points. As entitlement spending rises over the next decade, we will become even more French. Bush brought the Age of Reagan to a close; now Obama has gone further, reversing Bill Clinton’s end of big government.

Some people say that entropy and chaos are part of nature and should be embraced and not resisted.

“Many of the early European settlers on the North American continent had fled Europe for religious freedom, limited government, and opportunity to do what they wanted by carving out hard lives in the mountains and on the plains, taming the rugged landscape and inventing new ways to raise crops and harvest them.  Then they invented unheard of manufacturing and household technologies that built an American economic monster that has been loved and hated around the globe as it freed people from tyranny and made them dependent on goods, services and luxuries that never existed before.  They brought order out of chaos and lifted hardship off the common man, and they fought against nature in the fields and human heart, while they traded worship of the earth for worship of a Judeo-Christian god that gave them inalienable rights.  What a bunch of anti-bureaucracy anti-nature anti-intellectual ass-holes,” said Manfred Friedhelm-Wainwright, a mental giant who knows best, because he can contemplate social-economic theory every day, having inherited a fortune from his dead father who built and sold several businesses during his life time — but apparently didn’t leave his son a lick of common sense.  “Chaos and disorder is natural.  Entropy and disintegration of systems is natural, even organic.  It’s the way all things should be.  Disorder and French pastries and economics are the ways of all good people.  Mailing some underwear to terrorists will work fine, I’m sure it would have stopped Hitler in his tracks and made Stalin rethink his purges.  And if not, well, chaos, mayhem and murder are like chaotic acts of nature and are for the best in the long run.  Just don’t pick on me, I’m above all this stuff and should be treated like royalty.  That’s all we socialists really want you know.”

Islam is a peaceful religion

Islam is a peaceful religion

In other news, Deseret News reported Sunday that Pentagon auditors say there is a possibility that the Army is missing nerve gas because there are discrepancies in records between how much chemical weapons agent was initially stored, and how much of it was later destroyed at Utah’s Deseret Chemical Depot and other bases nationwide. The auditors report said, “The (Army Chemical Materials) Agency didn’t have complete assurance that amounts recorded in the system were accurate, which increased its chances for heightened levels of program scrutiny by federal, state and international organizations that have a vested interest in the elimination of chemical weapons.” Such words can cause shivers among Utahans who remember such things as the death of thousands of sheep in Skull Valley in 1968 that were blamed on nerve gas tests that went awry at nearby Dugway Proving Ground, and Skull Valley residents who have blamed mysterious illnesses on exposure to tiny amounts of nerve agent from such tests. No word on why they’re bothered since chaos is natural, or if they’re going to protest by mailing underwear to military officials.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Official: Yemen releases 170 al-Qaida suspects after they sign pledges against terrorism
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/02/08/2009-02-08_official_yemen_releases_170_alqaida_susp.html

Underwear protest at India attack
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7880377.stm

We Are All Socialists Now
http://www.newsweek.com/id/183663/page/2

Nerve agent may be missing
http://deseretnews.com/article/content/mobile/1,5143,705283634,00.html?printView=true

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Porn Star Senator, Guerilla Gardeners; and Pink Slip Parties

> Porn star Stormy Daniels drafted for U.S. Senate run
> Guerilla gardening group gets busted by city council
> Pink Slip Parties — where the unemployed come to mingle

Inebriated Press
February 11, 2009

Stormy Daniels

Stormy Daniels

CNN reported yesterday that fans of porn star Stormy Daniels are drafting her to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican Sen. David Vitter.  Vitter is famous — or infamous — for his link to the “D.C. Madam,” the woman who ran a prostitution ring.  And Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported last week that mysterious gardeners were fixing Sydney’s worst eyesores — but they didn’t get city permits first so they had to stop.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported last week that bar parties for the newly unemployed — in New York’s Wall Street district they’re called Wall Street Pink Slip Parties — are being held in growing numbers for out-of-work professionals.  Inebriated reporters awake just long enough to comment, say its high time businesses, cities and states recognize the power of booze, porn and clandestine gardening to turn the economy around.

“For too long stodgy politicians have distained guerilla and vigilante groups who have creative problem solving techniques, and out-of-work professionals have sobbed alone after being laid off; and, Senators have secretly banged porn stars rather than actually being one,” said Inebriated reporter Sumer Solstice, a part-time writer, part-time stripper and part-silicon woman of wonders.  “Once Stormy is in the Senate all after hour hijinks will simply be called caucusing — and probably be a lot more productive.  And if we can get city councils to let people who want to plant flowers plant that damn things, maybe we can even find a way to get cities looking nicer without added expense, and perhaps even find some of the unemployed pink-slip party-goers some work somehow.  Jeeze Louise, let’s take down the barriers to progress and use some creativity to solve some of our problems.  Free enterprise will always trump a government attempted bail-out because the folks can generate real value and not just shuffle tax burdens from generation to generation or interest group to interest group.”

Not everyone agrees with Sumer.  “You can’t have porn workers running the federal government or let vigilante gardening clubs roam the streets planting petunias and shrubs indiscriminately, you’ll have bedlam and the next thing you know bureaucracy as we know it will start breaking down,” said Jesse Longg-Winter, a buxom brunette pet store manager, and winner of the Ms. Know-It-All Award 1998.  “I’m fine with people who are out-of-work having pink-slip parties and giving one another support and job help.  There’s nothing wrong with that kind of networking.  But let’s not accept porn queen government and guerilla gardeners.  We’ve got to keep a few standards in tact regardless how much of our children’s future Obama plans to mortgage.  Let’s not throw all the babies away with the bath water.”

Candidate for Senate

Candidate for Senate

CNN reported that fans of porn star Stormy Daniels are drafting her to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican Sen. David Vitter. And it’s no racy gimmick, they say. The Draft Stormy Web site says that “2010 presents the Pelican State with the opportunity to start with a clean slate — to elect a representative that we can be proud of, who will work tirelessly, and who will challenge the status quo. We at the Draft Stormy campaign feel that Baton Rouge native Stormy Daniels is best suited to fulfill these duties.”

Vitter is famous — or infamous — for his link to the “D.C. Madam,” the woman who ran a prostitution ring. Elected to the Senate in 2004, he admitted to “a very serious sin in my past” in July 2007 after his phone number turned up in records of an escort service run by the late Deborah Jeane Palfrey, known as the D.C. Madam. Running for re-election, Vitter said his wife has forgiven him and is banking on the same sentiment from his constituents. Daniels, 29, isn’t affiliated with a party but is embracing the idea of a possible candidacy. She said she’s planning a “listening tour” around Louisiana to talk about a range of matters, including the economy — which along with women in business and protection of children are the three issues listed on her Web site. When told Vitter can be a tough opponent, she said she’s “always up for a good fight.” Senator Vitter’s office didn’t return CNN’s calls for comment.

Busted gardener

Busted gardener

The Daily Telegraph reported that using fake IDs, refusing to comply with the development application processes and wearing clever disguises – including posing as Leichhardt Council workers complete with T-shirts sporting the council’s logo – a six-person gardening gang was shut down during its 18th “hit”. The green thumb group, filming for a Channel 10 series called Guerrilla Gardeners, premiering later this month, were told to drop their tools by Sutherland Shire Council. It was the first time the team was busted before completing a project — having been busted by other councils around Sydney including Newtown, Ashfield and Canterbury — telling them to move on once they’re finished.  “It’s always a risk,” said Amy, who refused to give her full name.

Associated Press reported that the bar was crowded with well-dressed professionals enjoying drinks and conversation, a typical evening – except that many of them had no job. The event was a Wall Street Pink Slip Party, where the unemployed mix with recruiters and curious bystanders to network, look for work, and share their stories. Figures released last Friday showed that the unemployment rate hit 7.6 in January, a month with more layoffs than at any other time since 1974. Jobseekers are gathering in bars, delving into the business networking Web site LinkedIn, waiting in lines at city help centers, and even starting up hopeful conversations with prosperous-looking strangers on commuter trains – all in the hope of landing jobs in what seems to be a shrinking pool of opportunity.

Pink-slip-party

Pink-slip-party

Chandlee Bryan, a resume writer and career coach who acts as facilitator for the New York group, says the meetings help people fight off the solitude that comes with being jobless. “There’s a great deal of isolation,” she said. “That complicates the process and makes it harder, given that the majority of people find their jobs through networking.” That’s the point of the Wall Street Pink Slip Party – modeled after similar events held following the dot-com bust. Since the reincarnation was launched in November, the intensity at the parties is increasing.

Some people say that if porn workers ran the federal government everyone would have jobs, or if not, at least they’d keep their minds off their problems.

This Senate candidate has yard signs that are in demand

This Senate candidate has yard signs that are in demand

“You can only run a secret kamikaze gardening group or hang-out with other out-of-work people for so long and then you’ve got to do something to make some money and get a little action,” said someone claiming to be Bob Saget, a former comedian, former dumb video TV-show host and currently the person we’re supposedly quoting.  “That’s where good porn Senators come in. Bill Clinton wanted to offer hookers as part of national health care but didn’t have the personal discipline to pull it off.  Once he had Monica he didn’t give a rat’s ass about the rest of us.  Now a good porn worker in the Senate will bring the kinds of contacts and business experience necessary to bring about Bill’s dream.  And we’ll need more hookers and porn workers to fulfill the demand.  That puts people to work, takes folks minds off of bad times, and makes the nation so progressive that even the French will be jealous. Now we’re talk’n a serious stimulus package.”

An arresting officer

An arresting officer

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Monday that the presence of a male stripper and pictures of naked police officers brandishing their service weapons have prompted an investigation of a party thrown for members of the Gothenburg police force. The nine officers, none of whom were women, had just finished supplemental training to serve in special tactical units and included a number of seasoned veterans. The party was held in a rented cabin near Gothenburg and included the recent graduates as well as the instructors who had trained them during the six-month course. Police in Västra Götaland is western Sweden now plan to review their special forces recruiting procedures. Nothing that happened at the party was illegal, according to police. Nevertheless, it was inappropriate, they added. No word on whether the party helped improve the local economy or added to future job prospects, but when Stormy Daniels is a Senator, you can bet this kind of activity will strengthen the U.S. economy like gangbusters.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

CNN Clip:

 
Source articles:

Push to make porn star a senator no stunt, fan says
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/09/senate.porn.candidate/?iref=mpstoryview

Guerilla garden gang nipped in the bud
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25014566-5006009,00.html

Legions facing layoffs turn to parties, Internet
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/business&id=6646665

Probe to follow naked Swedish police party
http://www.thelocal.se/17450.html

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Will Obama save the porn industry?

> Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
> Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
> Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009

Inebriated Press \ Bare-Ass News Division
January 12, 2009

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

The economic downturn has many companies looking for ways to survive, and those in the adult-entertainment industry are also finding it’s not always easy to shake a recession.

As president-elect Barack Obama unzips the U.S. Treasury’s fly and prepares to blast government bail-out money at his supporters and anyone else willing to back Democrats throughout the new century, Hustler Magazine’s Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis say it’s time to tuck some green-backs into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry too. According to MSNBC the economy has hurt the pay-for-porn industry and sales of XXX DVD’s are down 22 percent. Flynt and Francis say they want $5 billion from the government.

Cash strapped businessmen

Cash strapped businessmen

Joe Francis says “the economy has made America’s appetite for sex go limp.” And Flynt said that Congress must “rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.” Meanwhile MSNBC reported in a separate story, that “trendy sex is over in 2009.” Writer Brian Alexander said trendy-sex is done because of over-kill. He says the erotic over-load has been especially heavy on the Internet where medium is mistaken for thought. He says a lot of sex on the Web is there simply because we can put it there. Once you get over the idea that the guy with the studded leather strap around his scrotum who is doing the ironing under his wife’s stern supervision looks suspiciously like your seventh-grade science teacher (Hi, Mr. Grunwald!), much of it just isn’t very interesting.

090112-hustler1“We are sold sex the way we are sold giant flat-screen TVs, computers and beer,” writes Alexander. “Sex is like Times Square, filled with Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin, and if you fly to Paris and walk down the Champs-Elysees you will find Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin. We live in a kitschy world. Sex has now been completely subsumed into it. As a result of such overkill, there’s an atmosphere of ennui seeping into ‘trendy’ sex. Porn companies are scaling back.”

FriendFinder Networks, the family of sex hookup sites that was purchased by Penthouse Media, has been losing millions and is at risk of going out of business. Edgier sex writers at publications like The Village Voice and Wired.com have quit or lost their jobs. Alexander says his prediction does not ratify a phony moral revival. The end of sex trendiness has a lot to do with the fact that efforts to enforce religion-based sexual conservatism are over, too, at least for now. Defiance helped animate the rise of sex trends. With less force pushing in, there will be less force pushing out. Neither does it mean we are about to stop having sex, or trying things new to us, nor will we stop needing solid information about sex or having fun exploring it. Rather, people are going to choose their own sexual paths but not talk about it so much. Some will choose abstinence until marriage and monogamy and intercourse strictly for procreation. Others will experiment and explore.

090112girlsgonewildWhere does that leave Flynt and Francis? Banging away at the federal trough and hoping Bill Clinton will put in a good word for them after having some fond memories of blue dresses casually stained in the Oval Office? Or maybe it’s just the publicity that they want — and are getting — that will encourage the free-loaders to start spending on their products? Either way they’ve raised their … um … voices, just like other tax paying firms looking for a hand-out — bankers, automobile companies, insurance companies, investment firms, and other players from major industries. And what the heck, they may get it. American’s just elected a first term Democrat Senator with no management experience who says he’s going to spend trillions of un-earned dollars for years into the future, so the economy will recover from all the bad spending habits of the Republicans.

Will the federal government write Larry Flynt a stimulus check? It doesn’t seem likely, but stranger things have happened.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn industry feeling pain as expo hits Vegas
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/08/porn-industry-feeling-pain-expo-hits-vegas/

Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28545081/

Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28549145/

Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28541939

Note: Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction,” now in paperback.

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