Tag Archives: U.S. presidency

Q&A with Bob & Joan: Should the U.S. Close Military Bases, Cut Defense Spending; Centralize Forces at Home?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009



You conservatives are complaining about the Obama administration’s plan to slash military spending on new technology and missile defense systems designed to stop first strike nuclear attacks and other conventional warfare from countries like China, Russia, North Korea and others.  But the Obama administration has already pointed out that there is no longer a threat of conventional warfare, only the possibility of small skirmishes with a few small bands of Muslim extremists, or Mexican drug dealers.

The U.S. has military bases and personnel scattered all over the world, in places like Japan, South Korea, Germany and Belgium.  That’s excessive since there are no wars there and the U.S. has no global mandate to be the world’s “police force.”  And now that the U.S. has put Democrats in charge of Congress and in the White House, they’ve been spending trillions of dollars on social programs that all Americans want, and that makes the far flung military too expensive to maintain.  Isn’t it about time to close the foreign military bases and bring the troops home where they can guard the U.S. border from Mexican drug dealers and illegal aliens?

Quit whining about the liberals that Americans have put in charge you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,



My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives over an over-extended military and the free-spending liberals touches me deeply, and your suggestion that we eliminate military-bases world-wide as a solution, are warm and gentile words of encouragement and hope, despite the absurdity and global risk that implementation of such a scheme would entail.  How I long to set aside such petty questions and instead lay my head upon your bosom and bask in the warm glow of your beauty and charm, but such is not my mandate.  I must speak to you honestly about our challenge.

You see, despite the fact that there are not open hostilities between China, Russia, North Korea, Iran and other countries with the U.S. and its allies, the notion that none will ever be forthcoming is but wishful thinking.  The fact that a large and powerful American military is arranged in multiple locations of diverse nature around the globe is one of the key reasons that such a peace presently exists.  In addition to this, the diverse nature and location of U.S. military systems is a practical strategy — not having concentrated military assets in a single location, which, if attacked and crushed, would render the U.S. defense system largely destroyed all in one blow.  Avoiding a circumstance that befell the U.S. Navy at Pearl Harbor, as well as providing the tactical ability to move defensive systems to any part of the globe quickly from a diversity of locations, is a valuable strategic advantage for America and the defense of it’s allies.

Regarding the gargantuan spending on everything that can be imagined by the liberal mind, thereby creating massive debt, the risk of economic collapse and hyper-inflation; the idea that cutting major R&D for future defense systems and stopping current system development would result in savings are mere drops in the bucket, and even if such cuts were sane, they’d not begin to replace the funds being spent.  We have two hopes in this regard.  One, that bureaucrats are too lazy to spend the money fast enough to put us in tremendous debt in the next year and a half.  And two, that Republicans awake from their stupor and adopt Ronald Reagan’s attitude about smaller government and less taxing and spending, and run good campaigns and take control of Congress in the elections less than two years ahead.  Then, having taken power in Congress, to stop the foolish spending and begin to dismantle Obama’s United States of Socialist America (USSA), currently under development.

Regarding the Mexican border, we don’t need a massive troop surge to stop the problems there.  We just need to take the issue seriously and enforce the laws we have and support the professionals and volunteers already working there.  However, if we wanted to be more aggressive in stopping the problem, we’d simply declare several miles of ground inside the US/Mexican border as “no man’s land” and set up military snipers to shoot anyone found in that sector.  We’ve done it successfully in the Middle East and other areas.  These men, properly posted, can secure many miles of terrain and kill efficiently, inexpensively and with pin-point accurately.  A couple weeks of this and no one would bother trying to come into the U.S. illegally across the US/Mexican border.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that if true Americans — the 46% who voted for McCain and not Obama — were in charge, we could solve these problems without resorting to silly notions of slashing our military power in effort to fund tattoo removal in Los Angeles (part of the ‘stimulus package’ recently passed by Congress).  It is my hope that those who voted the liberals into office because they wanted “change” will shake off their mental weirdness and put real Americans in charge in the near future.  In the meantime, we conservatives must prepare, must battle stupidity as best we can, and love those who love us, and try to neutralize those who don’t.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and firm where you want to be; and soft where you’d like to be.

With the warmest of feelings toward you, barely contained behind my muscular physique,


Comments Off on Q&A with Bob & Joan: Should the U.S. Close Military Bases, Cut Defense Spending; Centralize Forces at Home?

Filed under Humor, Op-Ed, The Bob and Joan Chronicles

Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

> Obama campaign morphs into “Organizing for America”, orders issued
> San Francisco left in Valentines Day pillow fight mess, considers ban
> Italian study says penile extension devise works

Inebriated Press
March 12, 2009

"Organizing for America"

"Organizing for America"

AFP reported Monday that President Obama issued orders via email and video to millions of supporters telling them to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. Obama’s new political machine, “Organizing for America,” is the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House. And UPI reported Monday that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to consider banning the event. Meanwhile, The Denver Channel reported that an Italian study that followed 21 men up to a year while they wore a penile extender, say it added nearly an inch.  Inebriated reporters hopped up on Vodka, orange juice and some unknown substance; say the world revolves around politics, pillows and sex organs.

Everything is politic

Everything is politic

“Everything is politic and nothing that happens in government, happens in government, without judicious planning, manipulation, maneuver and gamesmanship.  To think otherwise is naive.  To act otherwise is stupid,” said a small dwarf channeling Rahm Emanuel, while dreaming of big busted women and researching basic anatomy for Inebriated Press articles.  “And pillows are key to a good night’s sleep, and sex organs, well; you know what they’re all about.  If you don’t; never mind.”

090312-pillow-fight-b-wNot everyone is as cavalier as dwarves channeling government officials.  “It’s every elected officials dream to make a positive difference in the lives of their constituents, or at least make them think they have.  And to that end the government gift of public pillow fights and studies showing which penis extenders work, act to advance that goal,” said Missy Mae-Mayhem, a public official speaking in an unofficial capacity at an undisclosed location during the off hours.  “It doesn’t matter that pillow fights are meaningless or that the value of a penis is based more on the operator than its size.  All good things exist in the mind and to the extent that we can implant the idea that we’ve helped the populous, well, we’ve helped the populous.  Of course a little rule of law and protection against Islamofascism is okay too, but only if the citizens think so.”

AFP/Google reported that US President Barack Obama mustered his powerful campaign army on Monday, calling on his millions of supporters to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. The appeal to back the president was made in an email and video sent out by “Organizing for America,” the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House.

090312-e-obama-w-bIn the video, Mitch Stewart, the director of Organizing for America, urged the president’s supporters to take part in the “Organizing for America Pledge Project.” “We will show in every state, in every congressional district the hunger, for leadership and long range thinking that’s in too short supply here in Washington,” he said.  Stewart said Obama’s budget provides a “bold blueprint for our country’s future. He said that some will resist change.  “It’s up to you to make sure that they don’t stand in our way,” he said.  The appeal to grass roots supporters closely follows the tactics used by Obama during his triumphant election campaign and is another sign that the president plans to use the organization to help pass difficult legislation.

090312pillowfight-bwUPI reported that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to take another look at the “flash mob” phenomenon. The pillow fight, which marked its fourth year in February, involved an estimated 1,500 to 3,000 people at Justin Herman Plaza and left the city with thousands of dollars worth of damages and cleanup costs, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Monday. Lisa Seitz Gruwell of the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department said organizers of the event must begin taking responsibility for the event, “otherwise we are going to have to find a way to shut it down.” Mohammed Nuru, deputy director of the Department of Public Works, said the city had to dispatch 69 employees and an extra street sweeper truck to clean up after this year’s pillow fight. “It was quite a mess, much more than we have experienced in previous years,” he said. “Everywhere was feathers.”

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

The Denver Channel reported that men who wear a device meant to extend their penises saw growth of up to 33 percent over six months, according to a new study. The Italian study followed 21 men for up to a year as they used a device with dynamic rods. They wore it for an average of five hours in the first month, five hours in the third month and four hours in the sixth month. Urologist Dr. Paolo Gontero said the average flaccid length at the start was 2.82 inches. After a year, it was 3.72 inches, though there was no increase in girth. “If these results are confirmed by further research, we propose that the device should be used as a first-line treatment option for men seeking a penile lengthening procedure,” he said. The results were published in the March issue of BJU International.

Some people say that all reality is illusion.



“You can’t tell you’re dreaming when you’re dreaming, it’s reality to you, the same as if you were actually doing it in physical space.  Sometimes you wake up sweating because of fear, or because you were lifting heavy things in your mind, or wearing some kind of penile device that pinches,” said Professor Plum, a board game character known for occasionally surprising Miss Scarlet in the dead of night with rope, for reasons suspected but not confirmed.  “So whether you’re mobilizing the masses, battling with pillows or toying with bits of your crotch, it’s all ethereal and conceptual and momentary and illusory.  If its fun do it, if not don’t, who cares. Except for Internal Revenue.  Those IRS bastards are the real deal and will kick your ass if you don’t pay.  I don’t know what’s up with that.”

Talking policy or penile extension?

Talking policy or penile extension?

In other news, The Washington Times reported Sunday that President Obama was so concerned that he had appeared to dismiss a question from New York Times reporters about whether he was a socialist that he called the newspaper back to clarify his policies. The phone call came after the president was asked aboard his plane: “Are you a socialist as some people have suggested?” Obama said he wasn’t, but he acknowledged that, as he told Joe the Plumber, he plans to try to spread the wealth around. No word on why acting like a socialist doesn’t make him one, but perhaps his next command to “Organizing for America” will clear that up – or perhaps all reality is illusion.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com


Obama musters campaign army for economic fight

San Fran considers pillow fight crackdown

Penis Extender Works, Study Finds

Obama makes Oval Office call to reporters

Comments Off on Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

Filed under Humor, IP News

New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Inebriated Press
February 20, 2009

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

The Love Drug do'in it's thang

Tufts Daily, a university newspaper, reported last week that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and may create and control romantic emotions. And United Press International reported last week that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades.  Meanwhile, Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV — designed to portray Muslims in a more positive light — was charged last week by police with murder for beheading his wife. Pundits are debating whether some things are really different than they seem, but remain confident that the trillion dollar bill that Obama signed into U.S. law is really a stimulus package and not the foundation for restructuring the U.S. into a socialist nation.

Someone named Suzie

Someone named Suzie

“Just because only 3 percent of spending in the Obama Plan takes place in 2009 and all the rest occurs in later years and the federal government will grow 30 percent in size, doesn’t mean that Obama really intends to change America even though he’s said that’s his plan all along,” said Susi Q-Tipp, a part-time welder and stripper at the Happy Hooker Lounge and Machine Works.  “And the provisions creating a healthcare czar, funding a nation-wide computer system to collect and track every citizens health records, and establish a panel to review all health related doctors decisions and rank them, doesn’t mean he has any intention of creating a national healthcare system.  Besides, once the love drug is available and in our water supply we’ll love everything he does.  And what’s wrong with converting some medical supplies donated to Hamas into bombs, or beheading a spouse if that’s part of your culture.  Easy come, easy go, I say. Live and let die.”

090220-obamaacorn-b-w1Not everyone agrees with Q-Tipp.  “I suppose a drug could be created that makes me fall in-to and out-of love based on how much I take and when, but I still can’t shake the notion that Obama’s plan to change America is exactly what he intends to do, since he’s said that’s his plan and continues to say so,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, an accountant and nay-sayer who spends an inordinate amount of free time managing financial risk and accumulating condoms ‘just in case’. “Terrorists convert medical supplies into bombs and a Muslim beheads his wife after creating a TV station to help sell Westerners the idea that Islam is a peaceful religion.  What a big surprise.  Experts say Obama’s plan will not stimulate the economy and that it will have to work itself out on its own, while Obama’s plan will jack up the federal governments’ size and cost, while creating new funding for ACORN and other leftist pet initiatives.  That’s supposed to be a surprise too?  He is who he told Joe the Plumber he is: an income redistributionist; and he’s using the Plan to slide around income while opening up new interpretations via his Executive Orders, and shifting the U.S. Census Bureau to the White House so it can restructure the vote for 2012.  A Socialist restructuring a country to get what he wants into perpetuity is surprising to you?  Ha. Same old same old.”

090220-romance1-b-wThe Tufts Daily reported that a new drug that can make people fall in and out of love is in the early stages of testing, and its development may be a one-way ticket to controlling romantic emotion. The idea for this drug — and prospective vaccine — is based on the research of neuroscientist Dr. Larry Young. Young worked with animals called prairie voles, which are among the small minority of mammals — less than five percent — who share humans’ propensity for monogamy. When a female prairie vole’s brain is artificially infused with oxytocin, a hormone that produces neural rewards comparable to those created by substances such as nicotine and cocaine, she will quickly become attached to the nearest male. A related hormone, vasopressin, creates urges for bonding and nesting in male voles.

The research also revealed that male voles with a genetically limited vasopressin response were less likely to find mates. Young’s corresponding research found that men with a similar genetic tendency were less likely to commit. Theoretically, if used to its fullest potential, the new drug could effectively harness these chemicals and be used to make people experience emotions of love. Conversely, it could also be used to prevent people from feeling such sentiments simply by receiving an injection of the substance. Even if Young were able to construct a drug that worked perfectly for humans, there are a number of ethical questions that come into play when dealing with an emotion as fragile and peculiar as love.

090220_peaceful_muslims_behead-b-wUPI reported that members of the militant group Hamas used medicine bottles delivered to the Gaza Strip to make grenades, an Israeli Defense Ministry official said. The official said Hamas created the explosive devices to use them against Israeli forces, The Jerusalem Post reported Friday. The bottles were sent by Israel for humanitarian aid, the official said.

“This is another example of Hamas’s cynical use of humanitarian supplies to attack Israel,” the official said. “Israel facilitates the transfer of the supplies to the Gaza Strip, and Hamas uses the supplies to create weapons.” Israeli forces located several of the undetonated homemade grenades in northern Gaza while taking part in military action against Hamas last month.

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

Muzzammil and AAsiya when she still had her head

The Buffalo News reported last week that Orchard Park police are investigating a particularly gruesome killing, the beheading of a woman, after her husband — an influential member of the local Muslim community — reported her death to police last Thursday. Muzzammil Hassan, founder of Bridges TV, is charged with murder in the beheading of his wife, Aasiya Hassan. Hassan is CEO of Bridges TV, which he launched in 2004, amid hopes that it would help portray Muslims in a more positive light. The killing apparently occurred some time late last Thursday afternoon. Authorities say Aasiya Hassan recently had filed for divorce from her husband.

Some people say that the West needs to be more tolerant of other cultures and their beliefs.

090220-radicalislam-b-w“It is common for people in Muslim countries to saw the heads off of people they disagree with, and even family members who have shamed them; this is good and proper behavior for a people who should be dominating the world,” said Ima Kikyourazz-Squared, a cleric and weapons trafficker who does both at the same time.  “The West has been so intolerant of our culture that we must wipe Israel and America off the face of the earth, so help us god, so that totalitarian freedom will reign.  We’re pleased that Obama is closing Guantanamo and dumbing down the U.S. rules of engagement so that fewer of us will experience discomfort if we’re arrested and taken to U.S. court.  It seems silly that some in the U.S. don’t understand our plans or Obama’s when we’ve both made ourselves clear.  Still, that’s what separates the stupid from the strong.  And we are strong.  Want to surrender your necks to our blades now or do it during Obama’s second term?”

Healthy Penis

Healthy Penis

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that San Franciscans are rejoicing over their favorite mascot — the Healthy Penis.  The campaign began in 2002 after the San Francisco Department of Health conducted several focus groups to see how best to raise awareness about syphilis in the city and how best to persuade gay men to get screened. The city says the campaign was a huge success because it led to a significant decrease in syphilis cases. The Healthy Penis was later introduced in Los Angeles, Portland, Philadelphia, Seattle, Santa Clara County and in Winnipeg, Canada but in a less provocative way we’re told.

090220-healthypenis4-b-w1The campaign has expanded to include an African-American penis named Byron the Penis and a Hispanic penis named Pedro the Penis as well. The original penis Clark is heading up the campaign and is still the most recognizable penis in the city. Phil the Sore is also back in the campaign trying to cause all the havoc that syphilis causes. Maybe the scariest part of it all is that the three penises have Facebook and My Space pages, while Phil has his own regularly updated Twitter page. No word on how much funding the Penis campaign will receive from Obama’s “stimulus package” but why give a shit now.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source Articles:

Love Potion #1: New drug could control love’s presence

Medicine bottles used for Hamas grenades

Prominent Orchard Park man charged with beheading his wife

The City Welcomes Back Its Favorite Mascot

Comments Off on New Drug Control’s Love and Hate; Hamas Converts Medical Supplies into Bombs; and Muslim Peace-nik Beheads Wife

Filed under Humor, IP News