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Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Track People in Real-Time for Just $10 a Month, Make a Robber your Sex-Slave, and Stone Women Who Disagree with Your Right to Rape Them

> New GPS service tracks people for you, reminds them you’re watching
> Thief caught in business, fed Viagra, made a sex-slave
> Afghan women protest legalized rape, get pelted with stones

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2009

Big brotherCNet News reported Wednesday that AT&T is offering a new service that allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC.  And Russia Today reported Tuesday that a hairdresser from the Russian town of Meshchovsk subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, then fed him Viagra and raped him for three days in the utility room.  Meanwhile, MSNBC reported Wednesday that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a law legalizing marital rape, and threw stones at them while chanting “Death to the slaves of the Christians!”.  Inebriated reporters busily GPS-tracking former boy-friends and contemplating turning them into sex-slaves, paused long enough to say that if raping women is legal, then raping men is legal.

Someone named Amanda

Someone named Amanda

“First let me say that I abhor any kind of rape by anyone of anyone under any circumstance, and the notion that it’s okay at all is immoral, unethical and abuse in the highest degree.  That said, if raping women is legalized then so is raping men, particularly those who support the Afghan law, and I will act within the rules of equitable legislation if I want to, and guarantee it will be less fun than these bastards think it will be,” said Amanda Stone-Sharpp, a part-time writer and full-time baker at the Cup Cake and Full Metal Jacket Ammo Store.  “Rape inside or outside of marriage is equally wrong because it violates the individual, the person we are, the distinct human being that declares ‘I am’, and it takes from them the dignity that all human beings deserve.  It makes a person a non-person by declaring their own body and it’s internal functions are someone else’s to do with as they please, whenever they please.  I share my body with those I decide to share it with, and on my terms.  Anyone who violates that, deserves to die.  Let me clarify that in case you didn’t understand: anyone who rapes me, dies.  I will kill them myself if need be.  Capeshe?”

Someone named Himmler, with date

Someone named Himmler, with date

Not everyone agrees with Stone-Sharpp.  “I don’t need any moral clap-trap about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about rape, murder or anything else I feel like doing.  If I am able to create a rule that says I can legally rape you, or tax your money and redistribute it, or lock you up as a subversive because you’re against abortion or believe in god, then it becomes my right,” said Acmed Himmler, an Arab Nazi with a predisposition toward social efficiency driven by personal power and a desire to kill anyone he disagrees with, for societies greater good.  “There are no moral imperatives, it’s all about power.  Nature has no ethics and Darwinism supported by Atheism makes man the center of the universe and whatever we decide is law.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  Raping indiscriminately, or killing Jews at our pleasure, is legal if we say so.  I will not be held to any set of ethics as though some ‘god’ is behind it that I have to answer to.  Moralists are a waste of time.  Naturally occurring chaos subjected to those who wield raw power is all that counts.  The future is mine.  I’m the new wave of old school baby.”

AT&T Tracking Service

AT&T Tracking Service

CNet News reported that AT&T is offering a new service that allows parents–or potentially jealous spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends–to track loved ones using their phones. AT&T’s service, called FamilyMaps, allows people to track the location of any cell phone on AT&T’s network from a mobile phone or PC. The person being tracked receives a text message informing him or her that he or she is being watched. Users can either track someone in real time by viewing the location on a map or they can set up the service to send them text message alerts or e-mails with location information. For example, a parent may get an alert each day that his child made it home from school. Or perhaps a jealous girlfriend looking to keep tabs on her boyfriend could set up the service to notify her if her boyfriend happens to wander into a bar or over to his ex-girlfriend’s apartment after work. The service uses satellite GPS technology and cell tower triangulation to pin-point the location of the phone. The service is not supported on prepaid or AT&T Go Phones. And the service costs $9.99 for two phones and $14.99 for up to five phones.

Bad ass Olga

Bad ass Olga

Russia Today reported that a hairdresser from the small Russian town of Meshchovsk has subdued a man who tried to rob her shop, and then raped him for three days in the utility room. The incident occurred on Saturday, March 14. The working day was coming to an end at a small hairdressers, when a man armed with a gun rushed in and demanded the day’s earnings. The frightened employees and customers agreed to fulfill his demand, but when the shop’s owner, 28-year-old Olga, was handing the money to the robber, she suddenly knocked him down on the floor and then tied him up with a hairdryer cord. The 32-year-old Viktor couldn’t have known that the woman was a yellow belt in karate.

Power of Viagra

Power of Viagra

Olga locked the unlucky robber in the utility room and told her colleagues that she was going to call the police – but didn’t do so. When everybody left for home, she approached the man and ordered him to ‘take of his underpants’ threatening to hand him over to the police if he refuses to cooperate. After that Olga raped her hostage for three straight days. She chained Viktor to a radiator with pink furry handcuffs and fed him Viagra. She eventually let the man go on Monday, March 16, saying: “Get out of my sight!” Viktor went straight to hospital as his genitals were injured, and then to the police. Olga was resentful when she was taken by the police. “What a bastard,” the woman said about Viktor. “Yes, we had sex a couple of times.” Both Olga and Viktor may now face prison terms. The woman could be convicted of rape, while the man of robbery.

Afghan protest

Afghan protest

MSNBC reported that a group of some 1,000 Afghans swarmed a demonstration of 300 women protesting against a new marriage law on Wednesday. The women were pelted with stones as police struggled to keep the two groups apart. The law, passed last month, says a husband can demand sex with his wife every four days unless she is ill or would be harmed by intercourse — a clause that critics say legalizes marital rape. It also regulates when and for what reasons a wife may leave her home alone.  Women’s rights activists scheduled a protest Wednesday attended by mostly young women. But the group was swamped by counter-protesters — both men and women — who shouted down the women’s chants. Some picked up gravel and stones and threw them at the women, while others shouted “Death to the slaves of the Christians!” Female police held hands around the group in an attempt to create a protective barrier, but did not arrest the people throwing stones. 

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

If the law says it's okay, it must be okay

Fourteen-year-old Masuma Hasani said her whole family had come out to protest the law — both her parents and her younger sister who she held by the arm. “I am concerned about my future with this law,” she said. “We want our rights. We don’t want women to just be used.” As the back-and-forth continued, another demonstration of Shiite women who said they support the law began. “We don’t want foreigners interfering in our lives. They are the enemy of Afghanistan,” said 24-year-old Mariam Sajadi. Sajadi is engaged, and said she plans to ask her husband’s permission to leave the house as put forth in the law. She said other controversial articles — such as one giving the husband the right to demand sex from his wife every fourth day — have been misinterpreted by Westerners who are anti-Islam.

Oops, you're knocked up

Oops, you're knocked up

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday that a young Swedish couple found to their amazement that they were expecting a baby – despite the fact that the girl had a contraceptive implant. When the implant was removed the mystery became clear – she had been given a dummy model. Jessica Lindberg, who lives in Gothenburg, was only 16-years-old when she became pregnant. Both the National Board of Health and Welfare (Socialstyrelsen) and the public health disciplinary board (Hälsö- och sjukvårdens ansvarsnämnd – HSAN) have reviewed the case, but neither has managed to develop an explanation. The young couple are now the parents of a two-year-old boy. The couple’s insurance company has rejected their claim for compensation arguing that “no one has been hurt”. No word on whether the company considers men or women rape victims as being hurt, but that’s just because ethics are mere concepts and laws are actually subjective until raw power sorts them out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

AT&T launches family-tracking service
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1035_3-10219786-94.html?tag=newsEditorsPicksArea.0

Hairdresser turns robber into sex-slave
http://russiatoday.ru/Top_News/2009-04-14/Hairdresser_turns_robber_into_sex-slave.html?fullstory

Violence flares at protest over Afghan sex law
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30223599/

Swedish teen pregnant after implant mix-up
http://www.thelocal.se/18864.html

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor

SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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National Holiday for Obama, ‘Bonk’ Billboards, and Radioactive Beer Kegs

Supporters in Kansas rally for a National Holiday to Honor Obama
Erectile dysfunction treatment billboards say “Bonk longer!”
Recycled radioactive materials get into beer kegs, purses, and hand tools

Inebriated Press
November 14, 2008

Light-bringer of Redistribution

Light-bringer of Redistribution

The Boston Herald reported Tuesday that Barack Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor.”  Meanwhile NineMSN-Australia reported on Monday, a company that had its erectile dysfunction treatment billboards banned due to complaints over the “Do you want longer lasting sex?” slogan, has replaced them with a new slogan: “Bonk Longer!”.  And Bloomberg informed the world Tuesday, that recycled metals from India and China containing radioactive materials, are finding their way into products shipped to the U.S.; among them are purses, cutlery, hand tools and even beer kegs. Pundits debate celebrating untested politicians who have recycled socialist ideas that may be radioactive to the economy, and ponder the benefits of glow-in-the dark beer, and road signs that talk Bonk.

“In a world where perception is reality, and a well conceived and managed public relations and marketing campaign can change perception over-night, it makes sense that our country would declare a national holiday for a man who has yet to finish his first term in the US Senate and whose major accomplishment to-date has been to get himself elected president. Because our perception is now different, reality has changed — just like Barack said it would — we have hopes and dreams and that means we already have change.  We should get some radioactive beer and start handing out erectile dysfunction tablets and party on!” exclaimed a mental giant who works part-time at the 7-Eleven, and contemplates income redistribution the way some men do bonking.  “When Barack’s in office I won’t have to worry about my house payment or buying gas for my car or who’s going to pay for my Viagra.  He’s going to make sure that I get everything I want.  When I think about that, I get Chris Matthew sized tingles that go right up my spine and I almost don’t even need med’s to get it on.  Zowie!”

“Yes We Can”

“Yes We Can”

Not everyone is climbing onto the Obama National Holiday train or eyeing financial advancement through income redistribution.  “I’ve been busting my ass running my lawn and garden shop for fifteen years.  I started with nothing, borrowed the money to get going, worked like a slave and today I’m modestly successful, and now Obama plans to take half my income and give it unconditionally to others.  Why would I celebrate a national holiday to honor someone who promises to do that?” asked Hapless Voter, a biped who apparently evolved into an honest hard working citizen, but for reasons unknown didn’t evolve a liberal mindset allowing him to be happy when the government takes his stuff indiscriminately.  “I already pay high taxes, I give over 10% of my income to charity, and volunteer my time to several civic groups and my church.  If the government forcibly takes my money, I’ll have less of it for discretionary giving.  The government is removing my choice, taking the sweat of my brow to do with it whatever it wants, because Obama says a politician’s choices are better than mine.  Explain to me why he’s right and I’m wrong?  I haven’t drunk enough radioactive beer to think that makes any sense.”

The Boston Herald reported that some Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor,” according to the Topeka Capitol-Journal. They also plan to serve “Obama cake” at the local McDonald’s during the swearing-in. Obama fans have fainted at his campaign events. Harvard academics want George Bush and Dick Cheney to resign immediately. His transition team co-chair told Tom Brokaw she wants President-elect Obama ready “to take power and begin to rule day one.” Was this a presidential election, or a regime change?  The article went on to say, Obama could only muster 52.6 percent of the vote, even after the Wall Street meltdown and outspending John McCain by $100 million in the last weeks of the campaign. The author wrote it was a solid win, but hardly historic.

The Boston Herald writer went on to say even his mother-in-law, smitten with Obama fever said, “This was more than an election, Obama’s going to change things. Really change things.”  He said she could be right. Obama could be a transformational figure, a transcendent being, perhaps even (as his most fervent followers believe) a “light-bringer” who will change the entire world. What we do know is that Obama is a politician. He’s been one since at least 1996, when he knocked his own mentor off the ballot and took her state Senate seat. He’s a politician who voted “present” 130 times rather than vote “yes” or “no” on tough issues. He’s a politician who made Siamese twins of Bush and McCain, two pols at odds for eight years. And you know what President-elect Obama is going to do? Act like a politician, of course.

NineMSN-Australia reported that Advanced Medical Institute’s latest billboard has “Bonk longer!” written in big red letters, a response to the censoring of their similar-looking “Want longer lasting sex?” posters that were outlawed by the Advertising Standards Bureau in August. Despite prompting over 220 complaints from their original campaign, the AMI believes the new promotion will be more acceptable. “I think that people who understand the word ‘bonk’ understand it, and the ones who don’t, don’t,” said AMI spokesman Dr Chris Fenton. About 50 percent of men suffer some form of erectile problem, the AMI says. Currently, only 11 percent seek treatment. The company’s primary product, a drug delivered by nasal spray, costs at least $50 per week.
  

The best beer glows

The best beer glows

Bloomberg reported that improper disposal of industrial equipment and medical scanners containing radioactive materials is letting nuclear waste trickle into scrap smelters, contaminating consumer goods, threatening the $140 billion trade in recycled metal and spurring the United Nations to call for increased screening. Last year, U.S. Customs rejected 64 shipments of radioactive goods at the nation’s ports, including purses, cutlery, sinks and hand tools, according to data released by the Department of Homeland Security in response to a Freedom of Information Act request. India was the largest source, followed by China.

Bloomberg said that abandoned medical scanners, food processing devices and mining equipment containing radioactive metals such as cesium-137 and cobalt-60 are often picked up by scrap collectors and sold to recyclers, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN’s nuclear arm. Paul de Bruin, radiation safety chief for Jewometaal Stainless Processing BV in Rotterdam, the world’s biggest stainless-steel scrap yard said he sometimes finds such items hidden inside beer kegs and lead pipes to prevent detection. “Because of high scrap prices, any little piece is being sold for recycling,” said Martin Magold, who led a Geneva-based UN team that tracked radioactive metal shipments in Europe. “Alarms will go up dramatically in coming years.”

Some say a little radioactive redistribution is good for everybody.  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said Bertha Bigg-Bright, a self-proclaimed WWE wrestler, who says she’s secretly most women and sometimes simultaneously.  “Income redistribution, radioactive waste redistribution, putting Viagra in the water supply, all of these are progressive ideals that’ll have people earning the same income whether they work or not, and humping a lot while glowing in the dark.  We’ll use less energy for lights when we glow, and not have to get prescriptions for sex med’s when they’re in the water.  We’re headed for a new age and I can’t wait.  We should declare a national holiday and get this ball rolling. Let the “light-bringer” brother lead us on! Halleluiah!”

In other news, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Tuesday that Michael Eglington, 53, went to Royal Darwin Hospital last Tuesday to have a wart removed from the base of his penis and says he could have died after an operation left him bleeding heavily and turned his penis black. He was released from the hospital but collapsed from blood loss as he rushed back to the hospital less than an hour after being discharged. The internal bleeding caused his penis and testicles to turn black – and his testicles swelled to more than three times their normal size. “I started feeling a bit warm about the groin,” he said. He said he looked down to see that he was sitting in “an inch of blood” in the chair. He used a nappy to soak up the blood as he drove back to hospital where he collapsed against the emergency counter. Royal Darwin spokeswoman Michelle Foster said the hospital would not comment until an investigation into the incident was complete. No word on whether the hospital offered him radioactive beer or erectile dysfunction med’s but sources claim they have no national holidays planned to celebrate the event.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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