Tag Archives: virginity

101-year-old Smoker Still Smokes, Virginity Auction Winner Pulls out, and Man Accidentally Shoots own Genitals

> Smoked every Day for 94 Years: “You gotta have some vice”
> Winner of 22-year-old’s Virginity in Online Auction Pulls out: wife won’t let him finish
> Show-off stuffs gun in pants, blasts penis: embarrassed

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2009

Back on the market

Back on the market

Canada’s Edmonton Sun reported Sunday that a 101 year-old woman smokes after every meal and has smoked every day since 1914 — when she was 7 years old.  She says it’s a bad habit, but figures everyone has to have at least one.  And, the New York Post reported Saturday that the winner of 22-year-old Natalie Dylan’s virginity — for $3.8 million — has yet to meet her in the flesh because his wife won’t let him.  Meanwhile, Australia’s The Gaea News reported that a man blew his manhood apart trying to impress his friends by stuffing a loaded gun into his pants and pulling the trigger.  Pundits debate the nature of personal freedom and responsibility, while thoughts of cigarettes, guns and virginity spin around in their brains like out-of-control kites.

Someone named Abby

Someone named Abby

“It’s every person’s right to smoke if, when and where they want to; to sell our virginity to the highest bidder, and to blow our genitalia off just to impress our friends,” said Abby Longtree-Gunnsmoke, a free-loving smooth-talking elementary school teacher, currently contemplating liaisons with mature students and immature faculty.  “I smoke because I want to and it should be my right.  More people die in car accidents but we don’t ban automobiles.  We know the risks and can take them or not; nothing wrong with that. And the guy who won the girl’s virginity should have to pay up whether he takes delivery or not.  A deal is a deal. Without rule of law and enforcement of the same, we get lawlessness and the marketplace breaks down.  Don’t think we’re going to dodge the effects of the Obama administrations flouting rules of law; we’ll end up paying for that.  As far as guys shooting their dicks off — what the hell, they shoot their mouths off all the time.  Does it really matter that a few of the more arrogant ones blast off body parts.  It’s Darwin’s theory in action.  More power to them.”

Some kind of Candy

Some kind of Candy

Not everyone agrees with Longtree-Gunnsmoke.  “It’s important and for our own protection, that we not be allowed to smoke, to have weapons that can shoot through genitalia, to sell off our virginity in online auctions, or do anything a politician or bureaucrat says we shouldn’t do.  Politicians and bureaucrats know better than regular people, especially conservatives, about how to properly and safely live our lives and do what’s right in the eyes of the Politburo, I mean the experts who are in charge,” said Candy Apple-Gumm, a tasty treat and legend in her own mind.  “Freedom and personal responsibility are risky when left to individuals to decide.  We need leaders in Washington D.C. to tell us how to live and what we can and can’t do. They need to tell us which companies the government should run for our benefit, and how many trillions of future dollars should be spent now so we can enjoy the coming inflationary times.  Silly conservatives are getting all worked up over the grand but perfect visions that liberals have, and are able to lavish on them today through the Obama administration.  I’d talk more but I’m selling my virginity online for the fifth time.  I suppose I shouldn’t but some rules are meant to be broken and who’s to know if I’m really a virgin or not?  I’m a liberal so what I say is always right.  If you’re unsure about anything, anything at all, just ask me and I’ll tell you what it means and how you should live.  That kind of wisdom just comes naturally to me.  It’s true of all us liberals.  We simply know better.  It’s time you just accepted that.”

cigsThe Edmonton Sun reported that at 101-years-of-age Winnie Langley figures there’s no point in stopping smoking now. She’s managed to defy health worries and the standard limitations on the human form by living to 101 years old — while smoking every single day. “You gotta have some vice,” the English widow told Sun Media from her home in South London. “Some drink until it’s coming out of their ears … me, I smoke.” Spry Winnie, who struggles to figure out how to turn down the TV so she can better hear questions, has smoked more than 171,500 cigarettes during her long and remarkable life. She was just seven years old when she lit her first one in 1914 — days after the First World War began. She’s felt the pressure to quit, but says the habit has helped calm her nerves and get her through two world wars. “It’s just one after every meal,” she explains. Asked what she would tell those who see her as symbol that smoking is alright, the straight-talking grannie points out: “Don’t start — it’s just a bad habit.” While never inhaling, she counts herself lucky her habit has never caused her harm. “I put it to my lips, and it’s a waste of money.”

Do I hear $1 million? Do I hear $50? Let's restart the bidding.

Do I hear $1 million? Do I hear $50? Let's restart the bidding.

The New York Post reported that Natalie Dylan won’t be taking her golden chastity belt off anytime soon. The 22-year-old California virgin who auctioned off her virtue online for $3.8 million has yet to meet her winning bidder in the flesh – because his wife won’t let him. Natalie Dylan (not her real name) admitted the deal had fallen through. Last week, she got a phone call from the rogue Romeo, a 38-year-old Australian real-estate businessman, who said he had to back out. “I told him to go back into marriage therapy,” sniped Dylan. The Aussie cad then sheepishly asked for his $250,000 deposit back. Dylan said no hard feelings; it would be returned. Now Dylan, who launched the online campaign last fall through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch – a legal brothel in Carson City, Nev., owned by Dennis Hof – is back on the auction block.

Girls handle guns better than guys ... see ...

Girls handle guns better than guys ... see ...

The Gaea News reported that a German man blew his manhood apart while trying to impress his friends by stuffing a loaded gun into his trouser pocket and pulling the trigger, thinking the safety catch was on. Lukas Neuhardt, in a bid to score points with his friends, tucked the gun into his trouser pocket and pulled the trigger. The embarrassed 27-year-old apparently told ambulance officers that he had been shot at by a masked mugger during a robbery. But cops reportedly cast a shadow of doubt over his explanation after finding that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers untouched. “Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself,” said a police source. Neuhardt later had his genitals stitched by surgeons but has been left facing up to three years in prison for breaching Germany’s tough new anti-gun laws.

Sealed for your protection

Sealed for your protection

In other news, Australia’s Courier-Mail reported Saturday that private school girls are being ordered to wear bike pants under their clothes at social functions to reduce the risk of being sexually assaulted. Girls’ schools have issued the directive to students attending dances amid concerns that inappropriate touching by boys could lead to criminal charges. “Girls should not wear overly revealing clothing such as very short, tight shorts or skirts or strapless, strappy, backless or plunging tops or dresses,” the newsletter said. “Short skirts, dresses or shorts must only be worn over leggings or tights.” The strict dress code is being enforced at entry points to school dances. No word on why they don’t think the girls ever remove their clothing in the presences of boys on their own, but like bureaucrats and politicians most school officials simply know better.  Now behave yourself.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

‘It’s just a bad habit’
http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/world/2009/05/31/9629781-sun.html

‘DEFLOWER DEAL’ GUY PULLS OUT
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05302009/news/nationalnews/deflower_deal_guy_pulls_out_171718.htm

Man shoots own penis while tucking loaded gun!
http://blog.taragana.com/n/man-shoots-own-penis-while-tucking-loaded-gun-65842/

Bike pants dress code for school dances to ward off sex
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25557345-952,00.html

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Institutionalizing Chinese Muckrakers, Oprah at 200, and Assisted Suicide Television

> Trouble-making Chinese citizens are dispatched to mental institutions
> Oprah Winfrey says she weighs 200 pounds
> Assisted suicide to be shown on television for first time

Inebriated Press
December 11, 2008

Ms. Fear of Working Out

Ms. Fear of Working Out

The New York Times reported Monday that Chinese officials have found a cost-effective way of dealing with whistle-blowers and other annoying citizens: ship them to the nearest psychiatric hospital for a two year stint and forcibly medicate them. And the Baker City Herald reported Tuesday that Oprah Winfrey says she has a “fear of working out” and has “fallen off the wagon” and gained 40 pounds, toping out at 200. Meanwhile the U.K. Telegraph reported yesterday, that British television is going to broadcast the death of a man committing assisted suicide at a Swiss euthanasia clinic.  Pundits are debating the societal benefits of drugging complainers, abandoning healthy diet and exercise, and made-for-TV death.

“We’re now living in an era where all things are relative and can be redefined every fifteen minutes.  That means that everything has entertainment possibilities, but dissent by citizens claiming common sense is no longer acceptable.  People who try to behave normally — in the 1980’s sense of the word — stress out and end up abandoning diet and exercise and balloon into walruses.  The smart people are flexible and use these times as opportunities for change — like Barack Obama,” said Missy Moore-Mayhem, a fashionable healthcare worker, whose rebuilt body and mind contain traces of her past, but is mostly modern, fresh and untouched by common-place reality. 

Ms. Moore-Mayhem

Ms. Moore-Mayhem

“What Barack does and says at any one moment often contradicts with what he’s done and said in the past — even as recent as last week.  This confuses old traditionalists, and even supporters like Oprah Winfrey.  It’s important that going forward everyone just trusts him to do whatever he wants at any one moment.  The idea that consistency has value is dead now. It’s one of the first things Barack is formally changing in America.  The Chinese understand this modern concept and have had to institutionalize people who don’t get it.  And the Brit’s are gaining an understanding by not fearing suicide, and are using the Swiss death-program for entertainment.  The U.S. is a bit backward, but with Obama leading the way we’re gaining on the enlightened Chinese Communists and Western Socialist Europeans by leaps and bounds.”

Not everyone sees it the way Moore-Mayhem does.  “Locking-up whistle-blowers in nut houses who were trying to do good, and forcing medication into them is wrong.  And it may be okay to debate the issue of assisted suicide, but filming it and presenting it on television for entertainment backed by sponsorship advertising is twisted — what do you sell, a new pistol that fits in your mouth comfortably or an oven that leaks gas on purpose,” asked Stacy Comb-Carmichael, an organic food store owner and alfalfa grower, who remains stuck on old-fashioned food and ethics.  “We have to fight for what we believe in and what we want.  We have to champion the Chinese dissidents and corporate whistle-blowers, we have to diet and exercise in an ongoing effort to stay strong and healthy, and we have to stop ‘reality television’ of all kinds because it’s the most twisted kind of ‘reality’ of all.  Fight to cure disease and don’t fight to kill and sensationalize those who want to bail out of the battle.  Life can be hard.  But it is still good if we’ll fight for the best of it.  Common sense is still alive.  We have to act like it and not sit around bemoaning the trends.  Edmund Burke said, ‘The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.’ Some of this stuff is evil and we’re not doing anything.”

Agent of Change

Agent of Change

The New York Times reported that local officials in Shandong Province have apparently found a cost-effective way to deal with gadflies, whistle-blowers and all manner of muckraking citizens who dare to challenge the authorities: dispatch them to the local psychiatric hospital. In an investigative report published Monday by a state-owned newspaper, public security officials in the city of Xintai in Shandong Province were said to have been institutionalizing residents who persist in their personal campaigns to expose corruption or the unfair seizure of their property. Some people said they were committed for up to two years, and several of those interviewed said they were forcibly medicated. The article, in The Beijing News, said most inmates were released after they agreed to give up their causes.

The Baker City Herald reported that an embarrassed Oprah Winfrey says she’s “fallen off the wagon” of healthy living and has ballooned to 200 pounds. In January’s “O” magazine, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160. Winfrey’s weight and height put her body mass index at 31.8, which is obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The CDC says people who are obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol.

Made for TV Suicide

Made for TV Suicide

The Telegraph reported that the final moments of a man suffering motor neurone disease who chose assisted suicide at a controversial Swiss euthanasia clinic are to be screened on British television for the first time. Craig Ewert, 59, a retired university professor, opted for assisted suicide rather than spend the rest of his life locked in a “living tomb.” The final moments of terminally ill patients have been broadcast on British television before, but never in the case of an assisted suicide. Television watchdogs expressed concern that the programme, Right to Die, which will be shown on Sky Real Lives, would promote euthanasia. 

Husband or lover?

Husband or lover?

In other news, a new study revealed that young women are more promiscuous than men.  The study of 2000 women in the UK, commissioned by More magazine, found that by the age of 21, women have had an average of nine sexual partners – two more than their male partner. It also found a quarter of young women have slept with more than 10 partners in the first five years since losing their virginity, compared with 20 per cent of young men. More than half of respondents said they were not in love with the person they lost their virginity to and only 32 per cent believed it was important to be in love with someone before they had sex with them. Of the women surveyed, 50 per cent admitted they had cheated on a partner and half of those had been unfaithful at least twice. Only 25 per cent said they had a partner who cheated on them. No word on how the Chinese or Oprah feel about this, but someone on the Obama Presidential Transition Team mumbled that all change is good change.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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