Tag Archives: Vladimir Putin

Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

> Russia puts on Soviet-style Red Square show of might
> Woman sues Wal-Mart after Roaming Rat Panics her
> Summer Heats Up Women who Dump Pantyhose to Cool Down

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2009

Toe cleavage

Toe cleavage

Breitbart reported this week that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to act aggressive toward the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. And Associated Press reported last week that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store because a rat ran out from behind a rack as she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle, panicking her and causing her to injure herself.  She said employees knew it was in the store and had even named it Norman.  Meanwhile, Forbes reported this past Saturday that during the suffocating heat of summer, more and more women are tossing the pantyhose and stockings and going bare legged and with open-toe shoes.  Pundits are debating the risk and reward of a Soviet Union redux, rodents running wild and free in department stores, and whether toe cleavage is hot or cool.  

Someone named Hillary

Someone named Hillary

“There’s nothing inherently risky or especially rewarding from the Russians behaving like the old Soviets again, or rats roaming free around the ankles of women, or even legs that are nude and not poured into sausage tubes called hose.  Heck this stuff is all natural,” said Hillary Hafpint-Latex, a biped of questionable origin, but whose looks and intellect impress just the same.  “Putin is the old KGB chief and he’s been reassembling the old Soviet empire the best he can, he’s just doing more of the same.  It’s in his nature.  And rats roaming department stores isn’t anything different than when they roamed the fields in hunter-gatherer days, it’s just a different time.  And as far as women dumping hose for the summer, hey we were born with naked legs and you can’t get more natural than that.  The toe-cleavage thing is just some fetish.  I go toeless to let the air cool my feet, that’s it.  Now if you don’t mind, please stop sucking my toes.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone sees it the way Hafpint-Latex does.  “The Soviets, I mean Russians want to be dangerous again and are arming Iran with nukes and being showy so they intimidate Obama and he starts apologizing about stuff for no reason, and then they can take the rest of Georgia and the Ukraine.  It must be stopped for the good of the former Soviet countries, which now have freedom.  And rats shouldn’t roam department stores, for crying out loud.  Get an exterminator, what kind of idiots are running that Wal-Mart,” asked Stacy Lacy-Piplate, a caterer whose looks enable her to keep food hot without the use of chafing dishes.  “As far as bare legs and toe-cleavage goes, if you’re in a professional office you probably need to wear pantyhose, or wear slacks if you don’t want hose.  Open toes you might risk depending on the culture there. It all seems kind of silly, but you go with what sells.  That’s why I do so many hot wings when I cater.  People like hot wings and naked legs.  If I have a lot of food to keep warm, sometimes I cater nude so I can keep the food hot without using electricity.  I don’t know if it really works, but I’ve never had any guys complain.”

SovietsBreitbart reported that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to dare attempt any aggression against the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display to mark the 64th anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. Russia’s war with Georgia in August over Georgian breakaway regions sent Moscow-NATO ties to their worst level since the Cold War and tensions have flared again over the alliance’s decision to go ahead with the exercises. Moscow, which remains at loggerheads with Georgia’s pro-Western President Mikheil Saakashvili, angrily condemned the war games that started this week as a provocation that risk stoking instability in the region.

Old School Soviet

Old School Soviet

Before handing over to Medvedev as president last year, Putin resurrected the Soviet practice — dropped after Communism — of having missiles and heavy tanks rumbling over the Red Square cobbles in front of Russia’s leaders. Thousands of soldiers and more than 100 items of hardware featured in the Red Square parade, which was matched by similar demonstrations across Russia involving almost 30,000 troops, officials said. There was a rare public showing for some of Russia’s best known missile systems, including the S-300 and S-400 anti-aircraft missiles, the short range Iskander-M and the medium-range Buk. Squadrons of fighter jets also flew over Red Square. The restoration of the heavy weaponry to the parade is a throwback to the days when reclusive Soviet leaders would observe the proceedings from the top of Lenin’s mausoleum on Red Square.

Rat-Mart?

Rat-Mart?

Associated Press reported that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store over what she claims was a much-too-close encounter of the furry kind. Rebecca White says in her lawsuit that employees at a Wal-Mart in Abbeville let a rat-tailed rodent known as a nutria run loose and scare her. She says that not only did employees know it was in their store, but gave it a pet name, Norman, and failed to warn shoppers. White says she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle in October when the nutria ran out from behind a rack. She says she pulled the cart backward in a panicked attempt to protect herself and hurt her back and foot. The local store referred all questions about Norman to the Bentonville, Ark.-headquarters of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest retailer.

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Forbes reported that April L. Burke doesn’t think bare legs are unattractive — just unprofessional. So pantyhose are a must at her Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, Lewis-Burke Associates. In a conservative field dominated by big players, she tells her employees, it’s crucial to look put together from head to toe. Still, in her city’s suffocating summers, even Burke has trouble with stockings. Her solution as the mercury rises: “I wear slacks a lot,” she says. As the weather heats up, so inevitably does the annual office leg debate, in which women grapple with dictates that can seem designed to keep us as sweaty, uncomfortable and — many say — dowdy as possible. In traditional industries, rules about women’s summer legs and footwear, whether written or unwritten, can inspire fantasies of mutiny among interns and corner-office executives alike. In finance, law and other professions, even seemingly innocuous summer staples such as cropped pants and open-toe shoes can be verboten. But making our own decisions can be worse than a draconian list of don’ts. If your firm has no stance on hosiery but you don’t have Malibu Barbie legs, must you wear hose anyway? If you can show toe cleavage, should you? When does stylish cross the line into sexy? “The semiotics of uncovering or covering the leg are unresolved,” says Susan Scafidi, a visiting professor at Fordham Law School in New York City who teaches fashion law. “We’re beyond a glimpse of stocking being thought of as something shocking, but we’re not sure what we think when we see a glimpse of skin.”

Some people say that in the heat of summer, you should turn everything loose and live and let live.

Passing hooligan

Passing hooligan

“Hot steamy summer should drive hot steamy dressing and undressing, and clothing should be loose and billowy and sometimes not at all,” said a passing hooligan, who looked firm and muscular and in some places wore nothing at all.  “Do the toe cleavage and other cleavage and let imagination and passion slip around the corporate office driving up blood pressure like a fifth cup of coffee or the third Diet Coke.  Don’t think it’ll inhibit productivity, just the opposite.  The staff will run on adrenaline most of the day.  And you’ll have vendors in your office cutting deals like you’ve never seen.  In fact they’ll come back even when they don’t have to, just to ‘make sure everything’s okay’.  Relish it, use it, bite me.  I mean, it’ll work out.”
 

Beer can island boat

Beer can island boat

In other news, The Tampa Tribune reported last Saturday that fuel fumes built up inside a 33-foot Sea Ray cabin cruiser causing it to suddenly explode off Beer Can Island. Seven people, including a child, were injured. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Maj. Dennis Post said that a generator was in operation at the time, and he speculated that perhaps fumes from that built up in the bilge area. If the area is not properly ventilated, that could result in an explosion. The vessel was anchored properly about 100 feet from the shore of the island Beer Can Island, a popular destination for weekend boaters in Tampa Bay. The size of the boat and the way it was anchored suggested the boater was experienced, Post said.  No word on whether there were hot women on board who may have caused it to overheat, or if they had toe-cleavage that somehow shorted out some electrical wiring.  But at least they have a place with the great name “Beer Can Island”, so they’ve got that going for them.    

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Russia warns foes in Soviet-style show of might
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.2bd8acd3958f3504b0e198ea61d1c3d0.a1&show_article=1

Lawsuit: Big rodent runs free at Wal-Mart
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6413460.html

Should Women Bare Their Legs in the Office?
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7541126&page=1

7 seriously injured on boat that exploded off Beer Can Island
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/may/09/092257/tampa-fire-rescue-responding-beer-can-island-boat-/news-breaking/

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Holy Shit! Obama Nails Queen Liz

> Michelle slaps Queen on Back
> Barack Nails Her Ass
> U.S. Surrenders to Russia

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 7, 2009

Moments before sling-shot incident

Moments before sling-shot incident

Inebriated reporters climbing out of a dumpster behind a British pub after a night of heavy investigative journalism, have reported that U.S. President Obama and Queen Elizabeth went at it “hot and heavy” the evening before the G-20 meeting.  Earlier in the day First Lady Michelle slapped the Queen on her back hard enough to loosen her bra, and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told reporters that Obama is willing to concede world power to peacenik Vladimir Putin and some old Soviets.  There has been some dispute over the Inebriated report.

Someone named Jane

Someone named Jane

“While there is some truth to the news that First Lady Michelle Obama slapped the Queen on her back causing her bra to slingshot across the room and out a side window, there is no truth to the story that the Queen and Barack had sexual intercourse in an effort to ‘firm up’ US-UK relations,” said Jane Fireside-Charcoal, a British public relations official and smoldering hot blonde.  “There have been reports by Royal sources of an internal nature suggesting a very cordial meeting held privately between the U.S. President and The Queen, but any suggestion that there were carnal activities of some nature is grossly misstated.  And comments related to blow jobs is strictly denied at the highest levels of government.”

Insiders claim otherwise.  “The removal of the Queens bra may have been accidental, but the ‘quality time’ that Barack spent with Liz involved more than a fire-side chat,” said Nasal Sinus-Stuart, of the Sinus-Stuart Clan and Handholding Enclave for Maidens and Hooligans.  “Servants said they heard a lot of moaning and groaning from behind the locked doors during the private meeting, and reports of chauffeurs outside hearing the Queen shout ‘they were right about you people, look at the size of that thing,’ tends to lend credence to the stories.  Now on the topic of American surrender to the Russians, I can’t say, such talk would be mere speculation.”

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Media reported last week that President Obama spent the day of April 1st in a whirlwind of activity in London prior to the official start of the G20 meeting.  He had dinner with G20 nations’ leaders, held a joint press conference with Prime Minister Gordon Brown, met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, met with Russian’s President, Dmitry Medvedev, met with Chinese President Hu Jintao as well as with David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party in Britain.  It took until this week for reports of secret meetings to reveal that Obama had negotiated a formal surrender to the Russians and banged the old Queen.

The Obama administration and British officials continue to deny the secret activities ever took place.

Beyonce

Beyonce

“Come on lets face it, Barack is busy surrendering to the Iranians not the Russians, and he can have a piece of Beyonce’ ass anytime he wants it, why screw with an old woman just because she’s queen,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, while chewing the side of his face and accidentally spitting blood on reporters.  “You people make me sick with all of your fake stories and stupid tabloid ‘revelations’.  The next thing you’re probably going to report is that Secret Service couldn’t find the Queens bra outside in the bushes when it shot out the window.  Well they didn’t.  MI5 found it. Ha!”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Some barely related source articles:

G20 Summit Eve: Obama met with Queen and Presidents of Russia, China
http://www.examiner.com/x-5890-Obama-Administration-Examiner~y2009m4d2-G20-Summit-Eve-Obama-met-with-Queen-and-Presidents-of-Russia-China

Michelle Obama Places Hand on The Queen. World Almost Ends.
http://www.nypress.com/blog-3807-michelle-obama-places-hand-on-the-queen-world-almost-ends.html

U.S.- Russian Nuclear Talks Reject Past Leaders’ Policies, Officials Say
http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20090402_2551.php

President Obama loves Beyonce, ‘SNL’
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/01/obama-beyonce-j.html

Beyonce ‘a model for Obama girls’
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5iQvlE9n67hnmRNIshQCd3dzhFceg

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Filed under Humor

How the Kremlin caved in over girl’s guinea pig

by AIDAN RADNEDGE
Metro – UK
February 9, 2009

Russian Guinea Pig

Russian Guinea Pig

Pigs were used by George Orwell to satirise Stalin’s Soviet state in Animal Farm – but guinea pigs are just as controversial in modern Russia.

A 13-year-old girl has felt the wrath of the Kremlin for having the audacity to ask the Russian president for a new pet. Nastya Ivliyeva wrote to Dmitry Medvedev’s website asking for a guinea pig to go with her existing one.

As soon as local officials found out about the request they went to the girl’s school where she was called to the headmaster’s office and ticked off so badly that she burst into tears.

Want to be this girls guinea pig?

Want to be this girls guinea pig?

They then summoned Nastya’s parents to condemn them for bringing up a brazen child who would waste the president’s time on such trifling matters. Nastya was even forced to write a letter retracting her request.

But attitudes shifted when her parents complained to the president about the officials’ behaviour and a newspaper publicised the plight of the girl from Kalitvensky in southern Russia.

The next day, officials called again – but this time to hand over two guinea pigs and a cage.

The episode marked a ‘complete failure by the authorities to understand real people and their problems’, said youth committee leader Sergei Chyuev.

Last year, Siberian girl Dasha Varfolomeeva, nine, used a TV show to ask leader Vladimir Putin for a dress and a trip to Moscow. She got both.

metro.co.uk

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