Tag Archives: waterboarding

China attacks Space Shuttle; Pelosi says CIA Lied to Congress; and Boy Scouts train to Fight Terrorists

> Shuttle Atlantis dodges Chinese anti-missile Material
> House Speaker Pelosi says CIA lied to Congress
> Boy Scouts of America training Children to fight Terrorists, combat Border Violence

Inebriated Press
May 18, 2009

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

SPACE.com reported last Wednesday that Chinese anti-satellite space junk zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, narrowly missing them. And ABC News reported Thursday that U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-California, accused the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) of lying to Congress about enhanced interrogation techniques.  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that the Boy Scouts of America is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.  Pundits are debating how best to defend against attacks in space, in Congress and on the US-Mexican border.

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

“Last November 52.9% of Americans lost their minds and elected as president a community organizer with no governing or management experience, to lead the USA against terrorism, economic challenges and to work with nations who eye us with both good and bad intent.  Thank god the Boy Scouts have their shit together and are planning to defend the country against increased terrorist attacks, Mexican border violence and Chinese anti-missile space defense.  At least they have training, experience, and know how to take action,” said Harlequin Romance-Softcover, a hot blonde paralegal whose intentions can often be read like a book.  “And as far as Pelosi’s claims that the CIA lied to Congress over enhanced interrogation techniques, here’s how I see it: the CIA is in the business of spying, not lying; while Congress and Pelosi in particular, have turned lying into an art form.  The great trifecta of Obama, Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), are Politian’s whose phrases are steeped in falsehood and innuendo.  I’ll take CIA’s word over theirs any day.  Ask any Boy Scout, they’ll back me up.”

Some guy

Some guy

Not everyone agrees with Romance-Softcover.  “Conservatives are a bunch of Boy-Scout-do-gooders always screwing around — helping old ladies across the street, promoting personal responsibility and self reliance and bullshit like that.  Anyone who knows anything understands that the government is here to take care of us if we just do whatever it says.  And after the Obama Apology Tour of 2009, all nations and peoples now love and respect the US, so there’s no war on terror, no more border problems and China holds so much of our debt that they have to like us,” said Nimm Rodd-Dimm, an Obama government appointee with an undisclosed job description and IQ.  “And of course the CIA lied.  Nancy Pelosi is as solid as the California budget — she is from Berkeley you know — and we can always count on her to tell us what we need to know, when we need to know it, and then explain what it’s supposed to mean.  She doesn’t make all those coast-to-coast air-flights costing hundreds of thousands of dollars, just because she enjoys flying and being a big shot you know.  It’s so she can check out the CIA from the air and keep an eye on them.  She knows about this stuff.  Ask anyone from Code Pink, they’ll back me up.”

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

SPACE.com reported that NASA on Wednesday tracked a piece of space junk leftover from a Chinese anti-satellite test in 2007 that zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, which astronauts plucked from orbit earlier in the day. The satellite debris flew about 1.7 miles (2.8 km) ahead and a bit below Atlantis.  The debris was about 492 feet (150 meters) below and just over 2.4 miles (4 km) outside the shuttle’s orbital plane. Earlier Wednesday, they used the shuttle’s robotic arm to grab Hubble and secure it in their cargo bay so it can be upgraded and repaired. Atlantis and Hubble are currently flying about 350 miles (653 km) above Earth in an orbit that has a higher risk of space debris hits, in part because of the Chinese anti-satellite test, in which China intentionally destroyed the weather satellite Fengyun 1C in 2007. The risk of a piece of space junk seriously damaging Atlantis is about a 1-in-229 chance in its current orbit. In the event that the Atlantis suffers a serious strike and cannot return to Earth, NASA has primed the shuttle Endeavour to launch a rescue mission to retrieve the stranded astronauts.

Pelosi

Pelosi

ABC News reported that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., accused CIA briefers on Thursday of lying to her and other lawmakers about the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, and said she had only been informed of their use five months later. A report released last week directly contradicted Pelosi’s recollections of the briefing. The Director of National Intelligence’s report indicated that the speaker was in fact briefed about such techniques including waterboarding, an interrogation tactic that simulates drowning. The DNI report said then-House intelligence Chairman Porter Goss, Pelosi — who was the top Democrat on the House intelligence committee — and two aides were told about “the particular EITs that had been employed” on terror suspect Abu Zubaydah.  Pelosi’s remarks that such statements are lies provoked a stern reaction from Republican lawmakers. “It’s outrageous that a member of Congress should call a terror-fighter a liar,” said Sen. Kit Bond, R-Mo., the vice chairman of the Senate intelligence committee. “It seems the playbook is, blame terror-fighters. We ought to be supporting them.”

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

The New York Times reported that the Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters. “This is about being a true-blooded American guy and girl,” said A. J. Lowenthal, a sheriff’s deputy in Imperial County California, whose life clock, he says, is set around the Explorers events he helps run. “It fits right in with the honor and bravery of the Boy Scouts.”

Explorer training, which leaders say is not intended to be applied outside the simulated Explorer setting, can involve chasing down illegal border crossers as well as more dangerous situations that include facing down terrorists and taking out “active shooters,” like those who bring gunfire and death to college campuses. In a simulation here of a raid on a marijuana field, several Explorers were instructed on how to quiet an obstreperous lookout. “Put him on his face and put a knee in his back,” a Border Patrol agent explained. “I guarantee that he’ll shut up.” Membership in the Explorers has been overseen since 1998 by an affiliate of the Boy Scouts called Learning for Life, which offers 12 career-related programs, including those focused on aviation, medicine and the sciences.

Some people say that a knee in the back is occasionally more important than a pat on the back.

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

“You can’t coddle terrorists, college campus shooters, border smugglers or liberals on parade,” said an Inebriated columnist, drifting past our table at the Ham Hock and Hollyhock Club on the way to the john.  “You have to kick their ass and bring them down before they do the same to you.  Liberals think they can help the terrorists self esteem by bending over backwards and letting them screw us and our country, and that they’ll like us better then.  That’s bullshit; they don’t care about anyone but themselves, and will screw us over if we let them.  If they’re doing crazy stuff because they’re psychologically messed up, they’re messed up, and nothing we’re going to do will change that.  If they get in our face, we take them down.  It’s not how I want it, but its reality, and we’re all ahead if we see things the way they really are, and do what we have to do. And speaking of that, where’s the damn toilet, I got stuff I need to do and by damn I intend to do it.”

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

In other news, ChattahBox reported last Wednesday that the United States will be conducting a $2.6 million dollar study in China, in an attempt to teach prostitutes in the area to drink less on the job. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse (NIAA) believes it is important to stave off the rampant alcoholism that permeates the female sex industry, in an attempt to allow more accountability within a rather dangerous trade. According to the mission statement released by the NIAA, the study proposes “to develop, implement, and evaluate a venue-based alcohol use and HIV risk reduction intervention focusing on both environmental and individual factors among venue-based FSWs (Female Sex Workers) in China.”  No word on why it’s better to cut the U.S. defense budget so we can spend $2.6 million American taxpayer dollars on the drinking habits of Chinese hookers, but then maybe I don’t understand because I’m more like a Boy Scout than a politician, and my appreciation for personal responsibility and self reliance has my value system all messed up.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Chinese Space Junk Buzzes Shuttle, Hubble Telescope
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20090514/sc_space/chinesespacejunkbuzzesshuttlehubbletelescope

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: CIA Lied to Me
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=7586530&page=1

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/14/us/14explorers.html?_r=3&hp

US To Pay $2.6 Million For Chinese Prostitution Study
http://chattahbox.com/world/2009/05/13/us-to-pay-26-million-to-chinese-prostitution-study/

United States presidential election, 2008 [Obama=52.9%, McCain=45.7%]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2008

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Senator Money Grubbing, Subway Boob Grabbing, While Waterboarding Pays Off Big

> California Dem uses taxpayer money to get hubby $13 mil.
> Subway groper grabs and runs, says “it’s a free country”
> Obama intel chief says waterboarding worked; statement cut from Obama’s CIA release

Inebriated Press
April 24, 2009

Feinstein and friend at recent event

Feinstein and friend at recent event

The Washington Times reported Tuesday that Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that awarded her husband’s firm a lucrative contract. At the time of the deal Feinstein’s husband bought 10 million shares in the company whose value then leapt on the government award, increasing over a dollar per share for a tidy $13.4 million in profit. 

UK’s The Sun reported Tuesday that Colin Franklin assaulted five women in the subway during a 16-month spree across London, where he grabbed their breasts.  One girl screamed “What do you think you’re doing?” and he said “It’s a free country.”  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that Adm. Dennis C. Blair, Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a memo last week that harsh interrogation techniques did produce significant information that helped fight terrorism.  Blair’s assessment was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday.  Some pundits say all’s fair in money grubbing and boob grabbing, and freedom-fighting terrorists should be left alone.

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

Someone named Mabel, getting tactile

“Government corruption and cronyism is a long standing tradition among societies just like sexual assault and murder, and the fact that it’s going on shows how vital and healthy a social system is,” said Mabel Maibee-Moron, a postal recipient, part time vagrant and full time Obama supporter.  “Let’s not get confused by some minor income redistribution efforts that well meaning Democrats are engaged in, or by boob grabbers — heaven knows I’d like mine grabbed way more than they are.  A little freelance boob grabbing is good for everybody.  But on the waterboarding crap, that’s got to stop.  Just because some people crashed planes into the World Trade Center on 9-11 and would have destroyed buildings in downtown Los Angeles if we hadn’t waterboarded that al Qaeda guy for the intel that stopped it, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t respect their right to disapprove of our country.  We’ve got to be more tolerant.  Thankfully Barack is hanging with the Iranian president, and South American dictators like he did back in Chicago with the Pentagon bomber and anti-American pastor.  Finally we’re respecting violent dissent the way we should.”

Someone named Lilly

Someone named Lilly

Not everyone agrees with Maibee-Moron.  “All the talk about hope and change spun by Obama and the Democrats and now what are they doing with it?  Robbing the country blind and setting us up for hyper inflation and economic ruin, all while dismantling the system that has kept the country safe since 9-11.  Pardon my French, but this is bullshit,” said Lilly Sunn-Beem, a landscape contractor in the flower of womanhood, who despite a sunny disposition is put off by morons of all stripes.  “We have official government corruption as well as unofficial cronyism.  Hell, the head of Treasury who oversees the IRS cheats on his taxes — I guess he won’t be audited this year.  And nobody grabs my boobs unless I want them too.  It’s as bad as Obama taking my money and handing it to vagrants who’ve done nothing for it, except this is physical.  Coping a feel is not a ‘right’.  Regarding waterboarding, hell, we’ve waterboarded more of our own military personnel as part of their training than we’ve ever waterboarded terrorists.  And when it saves lives and protects the country, you do it.  Is there no common sense left in Washington?  Is everyone there just padding their pockets and spending our money with no time left to think clearly?  Holy shit.”

Gett'n grabby

Gett'n grabby

The Washington Times reported that on the day the new Congress convened this year, Sen. Dianne Feinstein introduced legislation to route $25 billion in taxpayer money to a government agency that had just awarded her husband’s real estate firm a lucrative contract to sell foreclosed properties at compensation rates higher than the industry norms. Mrs. Feinstein’s intervention on behalf of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. was unusual: the California Democrat isn’t a member of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs with jurisdiction over FDIC; and the agency is supposed to operate from money it raises from bank-paid insurance payments – not direct federal dollars.   

About the same time of the contract award, Feinstein’s husband Richard Blum’s private investment firm, CB Richard Ellis Group (CBRE), reported to the Securities and Exchange Commission that it and related affiliates had purchased more than 10 million new shares in CBRE. The shares were purchased for the going price of $3.77; CBRE’s stock closed Monday at $5.14. That’s an increase of $1.37 a share and at 10 million shares that’s $13.4 million dollars in “found money.”  I wish my 401k had that kind of earning power, but I’m not married to Feinstein.

UK subwayThe Sun reported Colin Franklin, 43, sexually assaulted five victims aged between 17 and 25 in a 16-month spree across London, it is alleged. Daniel Robinson, prosecuting, told Southwark Crown Court jurors Franklin first struck at Kilburn Underground Station, in North West London, on May 2, 2007. He flicked his travelcard towards a teen’s legs then at the top of a flight of stairs “stretched out and grabbed her right breast”, the court was told. The girl screamed out: “What do you think you are doing?” to which he allegedly remarked: “It’s a free country”. CCTV footage then showed Franklin, who fled on to a Tube, acting suspiciously as he changed from a southbound to a northbound train.

Tradition?

Tradition?

Franklin got on a Tube at Caledonian Road, North East London, and as another victim sat reading a newspaper he appeared next to her on the other side of a glass partition, the court was told. Mr Robinson added: “He said something like ’that looks nice’. “She looks up and feels two hands groping her breasts. Naturally she is alarmed. He jumped off the train at Manor House.” Franklin, of Beckenham, Kent, was eventually arrested on December 8, last year. He denies five counts of sexual assault. The trial continues.

The New York Times reported that President Obama’s national intelligence director told colleagues in a private memo last week that the harsh interrogation techniques banned by the White House did produce significant information that helped the nation in its struggle with terrorists. Admiral Blair’s assessment that the interrogation methods did produce important information was deleted from a condensed version of his memo released to the media last Thursday. Also deleted was a line in which he empathized with his predecessors who originally approved some of the harsh tactics after the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Waterboarding

Waterboarding

“I like to think I would not have approved those methods in the past,” Blair wrote, “but I do not fault those who made the decisions at that time, and I will absolutely defend those who carried out the interrogations within the orders they were given.” Admiral Blair’s private memo was provided by a critic of Mr. Obama’s policy. His assessment could bolster Bush administration veterans who argue that the interrogations were an important tool in the battle against al Qaeda. Gen. Michael V. Hayden, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency under Mr. Bush, said on Fox News Sunday last weekend that “the use of these techniques against these terrorists made us safer. It really did work.” Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in a separate interview with Fox, endorsed that conclusion and said he has asked the C.I.A. to declassify memos detailing the gains from the harsh interrogations.

Boob grab tech

Boob grab tech

In other news, Ohio’s Dayton Daily News reported Wednesday that Warren County is saying “no thank you” to federal stimulus funds. The county is the only one in the state that has rejected stimulus money for transportation improvements, according to the Ohio Department of Transportation. Commissioners rejected $373,000 in stimulus money to buy three new transit buses and upgrade their fleet, citing their opposition of deficit spending for buses and vans. “I’ll let Warren County go broke before taking any of Obama’s filthy money,” Commissioner Mike Kilburn said. “I’m tired of paying for people who don’t have. As Reagan said, ‘Government is not the answer, it’s the problem.'”  No word on how Kilburn feels about boob grabbing on the subway, Feinstein’s money redistribution or waterboarding, but since the guy’s got both common sense and balls, he’s probably pissed off at a lot of the crazy shit going on in America today.  Let’s clone him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

EXCLUSIVE: Senator’s husband’s firm cashes in on crisis
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/21/senate-husbands-firm-cashes-in-on-crisis/print/

‘Lovely boobs, can I grab ’em?’
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2387799.ece

Banned Techniques Yielded ‘High Value Information,’ Memo Says
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/22/us/politics/22blair.html?_r=3

Warren County to Obama: Keep your ‘filthy money’
http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/warren-county-to-obama-keep-your-filthy-money-90323.html

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No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

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