Tag Archives: wealth

Recession Creams Wealth and Orgasms

Researchers review recession’s impact on study that found
wealthy men give partners more orgasms

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 14, 2009

orgasmResearchers at the Inebriated Institute for Implausible Studies have revisited research by Newcastle University reported earlier this year that found the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms.  What they found is that the recession is shrinking bank accounts, the average size of a man’s dick, and both the frequency of sex and the resulting orgasm.

Someone named Bethany

Someone named Bethany

“There’s no question that the correlation between a mans wealth and frequency of his partners orgasms has been shrinking in this recessionary economy, and we recommend that the Obama administration institute a financial stimulus package that results in improvement in men’s stimulus packages,” said Inebriated researcher Bethany Malone-Hardkor, whose hot body masks her 180 IQ like frosting on a protein bar.  “Typically we wouldn’t care one way or another about this, but since the government is spending money like water over Niagara Falls, what the heck, let’s try to get some action and then try to get some action.”

Someone named Carla

Someone named Carla

Some Americans are less casual about the loss of orgasmic wealth. “As a professional trophy wife I only planned to be married to the executive I’m hooked to right now for a few years, and then I was going to bust him with one of his mistresses and take half of his net worth.  I’ve been holding off for half of $50 million but the economy has slashed this guys value and I’d be lucky to get $5 or $6 mil now,” said Carla Knightrane-Ripoff, a classy piece of trash who looks better and sounds better than she really is.  “I don’t give a shit about orgasms from some guy and never have.  I’ve got technology to get me by.  It’s all about the money.  Maybe some gold-digger wannabe would be fine with a couple mil, but not me.  I’m a professional about this and deserve several fully staffed mansions.  I’m not kicking back by myself and some loser in a ranch house with a pool in some suburban neighborhood.  This is a bullshit deal the economy has laid on me, and Obama better get his ass in gear and fix it.”

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

In related news, billionaire Warren Buffett lost $25 billion in net worth, almost 50% of his wealth during the current economic collapse, but is still worth $37 billion.  Reportedly women named Bunny continue to have orgasms 75% of the time when shaking hands with him. So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Vaguely related source articles:

Wealthy men give women more orgasms
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article5537017.ece

The World’s Billionaires
http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/11/worlds-richest-people-billionaires-2009-billionaires_land.html

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You’re feeling very wealthy …

Selena Valentine

Selena Valentine

Hypnotist’s sweet spell of success

 

By Amber Sutherland
New York Post
January 8, 2009

When hypnotist Selena Valentine snaps her fingers, the economy will still be in the toilet, but that hasn’t stopped dozens of New Yorkers from paying her hundreds of dollars for a trance to strike it rich.

“I told people what I was doing tonight and they think I’m crazy,” said one businessman attending Valentine’s “Millionaire Mindset” meeting Tuesday night in Midtown.

“But I want to convince my clients that they are still millionaires,” he said.

After playing Frank Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” on her iPod, Valentine told the professionals who paid the $20 admission to relax their way to riches.

“Go on a journey to your inner self, your inner being,” the busty Valentine said, circling the room in her Louboutin pumps.

“Just allow your inner you to relax. Allow your whole body to relax.”

Financial adviser Amal Gawle, 30, said the meeting interested him because he’s trying to start off the new year with a professional edge.

“My job is performance related, and 2008 was a terrible year in the financial markets,” he said. “I’m trying to stay ahead of the game in 2009 so that I can outperform those around me.”

To better look the part of a millionaire, Gawle said he was wearing his “Donald Trump” suit. Hypnosis was not an act of desperation, he insisted.

“I don’t think you can call anything a last-ditch effort, or else you go on to feeling like that’s it and there’s nothing else left,” he said.

“I try to be positive even when things are bad because you know it’s only temporary.”

With the financial climate as depressing as it is, Gawle said he wanted something different from the networking meetings he normally sees advertised, and was intrigued by illuminating the inner workings of the millionaire mind.

“I deal with many millionaires through work,” he said. “It’s my goal to get there myself.”

Valentine, the author of “How to Date an Exotic Dancer” and a former anchor on the Web-based Naked News, said she was inspired to become a certified hypnotist after the therapy helped her through her own personal struggles.

“My first hypnosis was instant and it changed my outlook on life,” she said. “My life went from a dark period to a positive period.”

She sees an average of three clients a day, each paying $100 for their hourlong sessions.

“I get mostly business professionals,” she said. “They come in wanting to reach their financial goals, but once they see how wonderful hypnosis is, they want help with other things, like smoking.”

nypost.com

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