Tag Archives: White House

Obama’s Have Wild Night in Lincoln Bedroom

> New Leader starts “Hump Around the White House Tour”
> “Reflect on your life,” Abe Lincoln tells Barack

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2009

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have been sleeping in a different room of the White House every night, with the goal of making-out in every one.  That’s the word from Inebriated Press tabloid reporter Inga Telouise-Frelove, who slipped a little cash to one of the White House staffers so they’d spill the beans.

“They’ve already made-out in the Oval Office and in the Bush’s old bedroom.  They’d been having a hell of a good time according to staffers, that is until they did the Lincoln Bedroom,” said Telouise-Frelove, reading from her notes and pausing to slam an occasional shot of Jack Daniels.  “They were going at it pretty heavy in the Lincoln Bedroom when Michelle let out a scream and shouted that Abraham Lincoln was standing beside the bed.  At first Barack thought she was having a fantasy about making out with Lincoln like she did Teddy Roosevelt earlier in the week, and kept banging away, but when she threw him into a pole lamp and his dick got caught in the fixture he realized something else was going on.  I only know all this is true because the staffer who told me all this is in charge of in-house spying and bedroom-bugging.”

Someone named Inga

Someone named Inga

According to Telouise-Frelove the White House staffer said that several Obama aids ran to the locked bedroom after Michelle started screaming, and heard Barack yell out “what do you want, you crazy black -hat -wearing bastard, and why are you staring at my wife’s tits?”  Staffers say they heard another man’s voice say, “Reflect on your life Obama. If I’d known the first black president in the White House would be a Socialist, I’d have thought twice about emancipation, and might not have gotten my brains blown out by that damn actor.  You’d better start fighting for individual freedom and less government, not more taxes and less liberty, you dumb shit.”

Not everyone thinks Lincoln appeared to the Obama’s or spoke to them.  “Lincoln is dead and buried, along with his ideals and common sense.  They no longer have a place in the White House, or the Federal Government for that matter,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff and all around low-life son-of-a-bitch (or so we’ve heard).  “Fairness, equality and liberty, opportunity to develop oneself from personal initiative, these are all hateful concepts of oppression foisted upon the common man by conservatives and Republicans who fail to understand the beauty of central power and income redistribution.  Barack has no reason to reflect on his life, I’ll continue to help him define it as we go.  There’s serious shit to do here, and there’s no place for ghosts or a president who starts doubting himself and has his dick caught in the furniture.”

Lincoln Bedroom

Lincoln Bedroom

The Obama’s have both denied that the Lincoln Bedroom saga ever happened or that they are on a “Hump Around the White House Tour”.  Speaking outdoors at the Obama Organic Garden yesterday, Michelle said she and Barack are respectful of the White House and have enjoyed exploring it, but do not engage in lewd behavior there.  “Besides,” she said, “until Baracks’ dick heals we’re pretty much just watching American Idol reruns at night.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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National Guard drops door-to-door Gun search Plan, Dentist says Groping improves Patients teeth, and Obama parties on “White House Wednesdays”

> National Guard ends door-to-door home search exercise
> Dentist in court over groping says it was part of treatment
> Obama White House has “Party Wednesdays”

Inebriated Press
March 5, 2009

090305-iowa-national-guard-bwThe Des Moines Register [Iowa-US] reported last week that after guns-rights advocates complained in droves, the Iowa Army National Guard decided to drop plans for urban warfare training in which 90 to 100 combat troops would have gone door to door and searched homes for weapons.  And CBS-TV-13-Sacramento reported last week that an attorney told jurors that dentist Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for a dental disorder when he was rubbing their breasts.  Meanwhile, Inebriated investigative reporters convalescing after a Wednesday night of heavy partying at the White House [Associated Press reported Monday: “Obama kicks up White House entertaining”], say Obama’s plans are on track and happy days are here again.

090305-donuts-bw1“It’s time to set aside partisan bickering and sign-on to the new door-to-door Obama Gun Search Program, the Breast Massage Healthcare Plan and start partying on Wednesdays as though we’ve won a Trillion Dollar Stimulus Package of our very own,” said Inebriated reporter Horace Halfwitt-Leftist, a careless writer who remains on staff because he always brings donuts and never locks his desk with the Jack Daniels in the lower left-hand drawer.  “I find every Wednesday night at the White House to be very stimulating and I’m sure that whatever Barack decides to do will be just fine.  And I’m not just saying that because I get to mingle with celebrities and drink expensive booze. Nor am I saying it because I’m intoxicated by being so close to power and smooth talk and Obama’s charm and wit.  I don’t know why I’m saying it, but I’m sure it’s for a good reason of some kind.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone is intoxicated by the Obama Democratic Socialist Movement or its plans to rename the country the United States of Socialist America (USSA).  “It’ll take more than a weekly White House party, gun bans and breast-oriented dental-care to get me to endorse Obamanomics and the destruction of personal freedom, the free market and private enterprise,” said Stacy Fulmetal-Jackett, a free-love, free-market, full-auto gun owner and cosmetic sales manager.  “Glib talk and slippery rhetoric carries no more weight with me than it does the Stock Market.  My opinion of Obama is like the Dow.  Down to a twelve year low — and I’ve known the market a lot longer than Obama.  Thing is, he’s like every socialist I’ve ever known.  The only real difference is that he’s started wearing an American flag lapel pin.  And he didn’t always do that.  The guy knows packaging.  He’s got that down.”

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

Senior Airman Manhart, Iowa Nat'l Guard

The Des Moines Register reported that the Iowa Army National Guard has dropped plans for urban warfare training in the western Iowa town of Arcadia after being deluged by nearly 100 e-mails and phone calls from gun-rights advocates nationwide. The four-day event in April would have involved between 90 and 100 combat troops arriving in the Carroll County community in a convoy with a Blackhawk military helicopter flying overhead. Troops would have gone door to door, asking the town’s 443 residents about a suspected arms dealer and conducting searches of homes if property owners volunteered to cooperate. Gun-rights advocates were outraged, and news about the exercise became a hot topic nationally on radio talk shows and the Internet.

“This was completely blown out of proportion,” Arcadia Mayor Oran Kohorst said. “They were going to come through and meet with the townspeople and just practice going in and out of their homes. They were never, ever going to confiscate guns or anything like that.” Talk show host Alex Jones of Austin, Texas, whose syndicated radio program is carried on about 60 stations, said he believes oil companies, in concert with central banks, are creating a worldwide economic crisis to set up a world government. “This is part of an acclimation for martial law,” Jones said of the National Guard’s plans.

Dental therapy for a new age

Dental therapy for a new age

CBS-TV 13-Sacramento [California] reported that the attorney for a Woodland dentist told jurors that his client massaged women’s chests as part of a medical treatment. Defense attorney Michael Rothschild told the six-man, six-woman Yolo County jury that Mark Anderson was treating his female clients for temporomandibular disorder, or TMD. The attorney says the condition affects the muscles of the upper body. Anderson faces 19 felony charges for skin-to-skin contact and one misdemeanor for touching a patient’s breasts over her clothing. The incidents occurred between February 2005 and his arrest in August 2007 and brought complaints from 14 women.

Just another Wednesday night

Just another Wednesday night

Associated Press reported Monday that the White House is the place to be on Wednesdays. Since the presidency changed hands less than six weeks ago, a burst of entertaining has taken hold of the iconic, white-columned home of America’s head of state. Much of it comes on Wednesdays. The stately East Room, where portraits of George and Martha Washington adorn the walls, was transformed into a concert hall as President Barack Obama presented Stevie Wonder with the nation’s highest award for pop music on Wednesday.

090305-obama-party-hat-bwA week before that, the foot-stomping sounds of Sweet Honey in the Rock, a female a cappella group, filled the East Room for a Black History Month program first lady Michelle Obama held for nearly 200 sixth- and seventh-graders from around the city. Cocktails were sipped during at least three such receptions to date, all held on Wednesdays. Bookending the midweek activity were a Super Bowl party for select Democratic and Republican lawmakers and a dinner for governors, the new administration’s first black-tie affair. It was capped with a performance by the 1970s pop group Earth, Wind and Fire. And a conga line.

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

Wednesday night with Stevie Wonder

The conga line formed after the media were escorted out and, apparently, after Obama had called it a night. “Thank you for waiting until I had left before you started the conga line,” the president told the governors the next morning. “I hear it was quite a spectacle.” Some Obama guests say he puts them at ease. He indulges them and serves cookies, too. According to the report, the flurry of entertaining is in keeping with the Obama’s’ promise to make the White House a more open place for everyone.

Some people say all this country really needs is enough cookies, booze, and a good conga line.

Old medication for a new economy

Old medication for a new economy

“I used to worry about the collapse of the market and my retirement account, I used to get all worked up about the massive federal debt and what it was doing to the country and my children’s future.  I even used to think that the Soviet Union was dangerous and Islamofascism and the attack on 9-11 were bad for freedom, but I see now that I was just being silly,” said Johnny Applecake-Muffintop, dipping a chocolate chip cookie in Rum and popping it into his mouth like one more in a long line of M&M’s.  “I even used to worry about my weight and the investment banking firm I was president of.  But now I see the wisdom of Barack’s ways and understand that hard work and free markets, hell even individual freedom, are all just illusions and the truth is that the government will care for all of our needs and give us whatever’s necessary.  Obviously the Harvard Business School courses I took were way different than the journalism classes that Barack was taking.  He must have learned all that wisdom there.  I don’t think that just twenty years of Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American preaching, convicted felon Tony Rezko’s real-estate deals and hanging with Pentagon Bomber pal Bill Ayers could have influenced him.  It had to be Harvard Journalism.”

090305-condomsIn other news, The Local reported last week that a student association in southern Sweden is on the lookout for a thief with a preference for extra large condoms after fifty commodious rubbers went missing. The thief or thieves used a heavy implement to break into the offices of the Projekt Sex student association at Lund University, reports the Lundagård newspaper. But according to staff at the office, all that was taken was a small sum of money and fifty extra large condoms. None of the smaller sizes were touched. No word on who is going to get screwed, but based on current trends it’ll probably be American taxpayers again — sounds like another Obama stimulus plan.  Bend over, I’m here to help you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iowa Guard ends urban war exercise amid outcry
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090224/NEWS10/902240390

Dentist Says Groping Was Part Of Treatment
http://cbs13.com/watercooler/woodland.dentist.trial.2.942629.html

Obama kicks up White House entertaining
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hjPujfKghPXUPK3LKaH2P0gDV3cQD96M06J02

Well-endowed thief in late night condom raid
http://www.thelocal.se/17888/20090227/

Michelle Manhart Demoted, Discharged for Playboy Pics
http://gone-hollywood.com/2007/02/michelle-manhart-demoted-discharged-for-playboy-pics/

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