Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
May 19, 2009
Anna Nicole Smith
Scientists at the Lucky Horseshoe Genetic Lab and Gambling Casino are currently in a heated debate over whether to bring to life a clone of actress-princess Grace Kelly or actress-slut Anna Nicole Smith. The argument center’s around which woman will advance society the most, and bring about positive “hope and change.” Inebriated reporters, hiding behind glass beakers and under roulette tables, have been following the proceedings closely.
Grace Kelly
“Some of the scientists say that a Grace Kelly clone would bring more civility and class to the world, and would lend an air of sophistication and politeness to global matters, that to-date have resulted in the beheadings and physical detonation of individuals who disagree with some Muslims,” said an Inebriated reporter shooting crap and slamming Jack Daniels like nobodies business. “While others feel that bringing a trashy blonde like Anna Nicole to life is the way to go, since Islamofascists don’t give a damn about anyone anyway, and hot slutty women will give the West some distraction and provide the fresher outlook necessary to think things through.”
While the Kelly-Smith debate rages, some geneticists are already gearing up to create Nancy Pelosi and Margaret Thatcher clones.
Margaret Thatcher
“It won’t be long now and Maggie Thatcher will slip the bonds of life and die of old age, and the earth will be a poorer, less intelligent place,” said Dutch Reagan-Two, a scientist and genetic makeup artist enamored with Thatcher for reasons of his own. “We need the Iron Lady around telling us to pull our heads out of our ass and abandon destructive liberal policies and shit. I’m also working on a Nancy Pelosi clone but I’m having second thoughts. Originally I figured she’d be an acceptable balance to Thatcher’s conservativism and that would be a good thing, but since Pelosi recently went off the rails with all the ‘CIA lied’ bullshit, I’m thinking I’ll either have to forget her altogether, or see if I can cross her with a frog that has common sense. It may make her skin look a little bit greener and appear stretched more oddly than the current version, but if she thinks clearly it’ll be worth it. What can I say, some clones aren’t best if they’re identical to the original.”
Anna Nicole
Ethicists have been arguing over whether it’s proper to clone people and create physical replicas of them. Some pundits say it’s irrelevant and silly because even though the people may look like the originals, they’ll not think or behave like the originals, because they will have developed in different social and educational conditions. Others argue that the identical genetic makeup will in fact cause them to act a great deal like the originals. Many remain unsure whether duplication is ethical, and while most are inclined to let someone with a different pay grade decide, some geneticists say it’s time to get on with it.
Grace
“If you can duplicate people you duplicate people,” said an unidentified geneticist and Black Jack dealer covering her name tag. “We should do it for the very reason people climb up mountains — because they’re there. We can, so we should; that’s good enough. We ought get at it right away and make clones of everything and everyone. Think of the fun of having hundreds of Anna Nichole Smiths or Grace Kelly’s running around the world. What a hoot. And I’m saying that from a purely scientific perspective.”
In barely related news, Anna Nicole Smith was sited recently at a Hooters eating chicken wings at a table with Elvis Presley. No word on whether they were clones or the real thing, but according to a waitress they tipped big and that’s what matters. After all, making the world a better place is what it’s all about, and good tips are a step in the right direction.
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