Australians approve human cloning for experiments
VP candidate Biden says paying higher taxes is patriotic
Inebriated Press
September 19, 2008
MSNBC reported Wednesday that the Australian government has issued the first license allowing scientists to create cloned human embryos for research. And Associated Press reported yesterday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden says paying higher taxes gives Americans a chance to be patriotic. Pundits are debating the ethics of creating human life for spare parts and whether clones should also pay taxes to show they’re patriots.
“Tax paying and patriotism has taken a backseat to my vision of situation ethics ever since the Boston Tea Party, and it’s time Americans take responsibility and pay more taxes and let Obama and me manage the situation,” said someone claiming to be Joe Biden, a vice presidential candidate of little meaning and less substance. “Those radicals who tossed tea into the harbor and claimed that England’s taxes represented ‘taxation without representation’ were trouble makers, and their actions wound up causing a war with Britain. That war could have been avoided if citizens recognized the value of patriotism and kept paying taxes no matter what the government did with their money or how high the taxes went. Obama and I are calling on all Americans to recognize their patriotic duty to pay more taxes and fund the cool stuff we’re thinking about and will reveal later. If they won’t do it, we’ll probably clone some folks who will. We’re already in secret talks with the Australians.”
Not everyone agrees with Biden. “The Democrat controlled Congress has a nine percent approval rating, the lowest in history, and I think all Americans, cloned, stoned or otherwise, have had about enough of their taxation and socialist thinking and anti-defense posture,” said Babs “Barbarian” Blitzkrieg, a big boned, big breasted babe who works as a librarian at the City Library of Ill Repute. “Maybe it’s okay if the Australians clone people and use them for replacement parts, but I don’t think that even they’d call swallowing higher taxes an act of patriotism. Some of the most patriotic things we can do is pay our bills and stimulate the economy by spending our own money on things rather than handing it over to the government. Besides, while Biden was telling us that paying higher taxes was good, Obama was hanging out with Hollywood elite again where in their patriotism Barbra Streisand and Will Ferrell helped him raise $9 million to pay for anti-conservative advertising. Let them pretend they’re British patriots with their money and I’ll be an American freedom-fighter with mine.”
MSNBC reported that the Australian government has issued its first license allowing scientists to create cloned human embryos to try and obtain embryonic stem cells. The in vitro-fertilization firm Sydney IVF was granted the license and reportedly has access to 7,200 human eggs for its research. Scientists in other countries have made stem cells they believe are similar to embryonic cells using a variety of techniques, but none have been able to extract embryonic stem cells from cloned human embryos. The article said any stem cells the Aussies extract would be used to test new drugs to fight diseases such as muscular dystrophy and Huntington’s disease, and later therapeutic cloning would be used to produce body tissue matched to patients. The technique can also be used for reproductive cloning.
The Associated Press reported that Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Biden said Thursday that paying more in taxes is the patriotic thing to do for Americans. In a new TV ad that repeats claims about the Democratic tax plan, the Republican campaign calls Obama’s tax increases “painful.” Noting that wealthier Americans would indeed pay more, Biden said: “It’s time to be patriotic … time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut.” Some people say the quicker we clone Barbra Streisand, the faster the US economy will come around.
“We don’t need cloned embryos for spare parts, we need clones of Barbra Streisand so we get more show tunes and cash for Democratic programs,” said Mambo Pie, a sweet morsel of humanity who often gushes about things she doesn’t understand but likes anyway. “The McCain-Palin ticket calls for change meaning the government should be smaller and provide opportunity to the people, but they’re confused. What we really want is the Obama-Biden change where the government takes from those who have and gives to everyone else in the world that has less. It’ll be a great leveling where the poorest of the poor have a little something and the folks who’ve worked hard all their lives finally get to be patriotic by giving their money and assets to other people who didn’t. You know, for the first time in my life I feel proud of America. I may even start wearing a flag lapel pin when Obama gets in office. I already carry a monkey god idol in my pocket like he does.”
In other news, WBAL TV Baltimore reported yesterday that Actor Gary Coleman is charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct after he allegedly backed into a fan’s car with his truck after an argument. Witnesses claimed that the “Diff’rent Strokes” child star became irritated that Colt Ruston, 24, took the former child star’s photo at a bowling alley, and that an argument between the two was carried outside. No word on whether it was actually Coleman or a clone, but Biden says he’d better pay more taxes anyway.
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