Monthly Archives: July 2008

Bikini babes set Guinness World Record

Bikini babes set record at Bondi Beach, Australia

From YeinJee’s Asian Journal

A total of 1,010 bikini-clad women made history at Bondi Beach, Australia, last year where they set a world record by posing in the largest swimsuit photo shoot ever.

Bikini Babes set World Record

Bikini Babes set World Record

The shoot appeared in the January issue of Cosmopolitan, and will be featured in the next edition of the Guinness World Records book, out in September 2008.


Babes spell COSMO for September 2008 issue.

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Michelle Obama Announces Nude Luncheon Fund-Raiser

Trend-setting Jeremiah Wright supporter gets creative

Inebriated Press
July 30, 2008

Michelle Obama, wife of presidential candidate and first term U.S. Senator Barack Obama, has announced a nude luncheon fundraiser for Obama’s presidential campaign to be held in New York with New Yorkers who prefer nudity over god and guns.  Reportedly Michelle wants to reposition her image away from that of a bitchy woman who only began to feel proud of America when Barack started making headway in the polls.  The UK Metro reported last Friday that nude dining is a hot new craze and apparently Michelle has grabbed hold of the new trend as a way to spin out of her negative image, and raise a little cash at the same time.

“I feel that Michelle’s plans for fundraising through public nudity is both warranted and creative, and while I don’t typically condone her baring her breasts and other stuff for public purview, I think that her motives are good and like Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, it’s the caring attitude that really counts, not what anyone actually does,” said the junior Senator from Illinois, quoting himself in an undefined context which will be clarified at a later date.  “We are who we’ve been waiting for, and a little flesh for money now and then is also something that many of us have been waiting for.  It’s time that we set aside divisive talk and change out of our old attitudes and clothing.  I support my wife’s efforts to flaunt herself in an attempt to help us gain money and power, and I’ll continue my audacity as I hope to be crowned the leader of the free world.  So help me god… or someone else, I’m not sure about god or guns, I try not to cling to them you know.”

Some pundits are uncomfortable with the continuing focus of Democrat politicians, past, present and future, on sex and nudity.  “Why can’t we just get a president like Abraham Lincoln who put God and Country ahead of sex and nudity,” asked Sloe Learner, a conservative rural American who frequently clings to god and guns in physical and metaphysical ways.  “I know that John Kennedy set a standard for Democrats with Marilyn Monroe and other babes in the White House, and Bill Clinton jumped on that horse and rode it all with way to the blue dress episode.  But this naked Democrat illicit sex stuff is getting kind of old, what with New York Governor Spitzer and Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick getting in on the sex play.  Heck Democrat politicians’ at all levels are stripping down and jumping everything that moves.  Where did statesmanship go?  If I wanted this kind of behavior in government I’d vote for Hugh Hefner.”

The Metro reported that as temperatures rise New York’s summer diners are foregoing pesky clothes and joining the Optional Clothing Diners club. The group, whose motto is “no hot soup”, boasts a membership of 50 and regularly attends restaurants in the city for healthy, clothes-free meals. “We’re just more comfortable nude,” said John Ordover, who rents city eateries for dinner parties with a strict dress code – no clothes allowed. “We’re not out to shock or put on a public spectacle. We want only to do things that other people do in the way that we are most comfortable doing them. That, for us, is without clothes,” he said. “If you work in a restaurant in New York City, the chances are you’ve seen a lot more shocking things than a room full of naked diners,” he added. Michelle Obama agrees.

“It’s not like I’ll be selling sex for money, it’ll just be a tasteful nude luncheon with cucumber sandwiches and vodka on the rocks and the acceptance of cash for promises of future things to be defined later,” said Michelle, winking and rubbing her hand up her right leg as she extended it in the direction of the North Pole.  Then wrapping her tongue around a swizzle stick she flicked it into the heart of a passing Republican.  “I’m just a simple country girl who was born in Chicago and didn’t even kill my first man until my fourteenth birthday.  What’s a little public nudity between consenting financiers and power brokers?  I didn’t go to Princeton University and Harvard Law School just to stay busy.  I do whatever I need to in order to get what I want.  Now hand me that g-string, I need to practice for the luncheon and may do a strip tease for an extra 20 percent.”

In other news, Metro reported Friday that a job vacancy for a naked cleaner is being advertised at a Jobcentre, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed. The advertisement, placed in Southampton, Hampshire, by the firm Knobs ‘n’ Knockers, says that it is looking for applicants of both sexes to do washing-up and ironing in the nude. No word on how many former Knobs ‘n’ Knockers workers are currently helping run the Obama for President Campaign, but Bill Clinton says, “The more the merrier.”

(C) 2008

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Iran hangs drunks while five-year-old Texans head for Hooters

Common sense is in the eye of the beholder

Inebriated Press
July 29, 2008

The Denton Record-Chronicle, a Texas newspaper, reported last week that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of his child care center and crossed two busy streets to get to a Hooters restaurant.  And CNN reported on Saturday that Iran scheduled the hanging of thirty people for crimes including being a public nuisance while drunk.  Pundits are debating the social risks of semi-nude waitresses and annoying drunks to children and society, and whether killing people involved is really the thing to do.

“Let the kids go to Hooters and the drunks be annoying, but if you can’t handle that, then lock the doors on day-care’s so the kids can’t sneak out, and throw the irritating drunks into the street.  Don’t hang the kids or adults over silly infractions,” said Sistine ‘Sissy’ Chapel, a religious do-gooder whose enormous breasts are used only for feeding widows and orphans.  “I don’t think that scantily clad waitresses are necessary or that people should get drunk on liquor, but I still think that personal freedoms are more important than laws that ban silly things.  And I like Dairy Queen.  No one should interfere with Dairy Queen.  Some people call me that you know.  I kind of like it.”

Not everyone agrees with Sistine Chapel or her alter ego Dairy Queen.  “Hang the drunks and the kids and make the world a better place,” said Sandi Beech, a slender animal rights activist, who hates humankind and prefers to think of herself as a hairless Pekingese, although she looks more like a Chihuahua.  “Iran understands that if you don’t kill annoying drunks they’ll become Jewish capitalists filled with the unquenchable desire to exploit innocent animals and display anti-Nazi behavior.  And that kid in Texas obviously is obsessed with tits and will become an animal abuser like all guys who like breasts more than child care.  All these people must be stopped for the good of society and the protection of dogs.  Of whom I am one.”

The Denton Record-Chronicle reported that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of the Imagination Station child care center unnoticed last Tuesday, crossed two busy streets and wandered to a Hooter’s restaurant on the Interstate 35E service road in 100-degree heat. Employees of Hooters found the child safe about 5:20 p.m. He left the child care center in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard, crossed the Interstate 35E northbound service road and Dallas Drive, bought a soft drink at a service station and then walked to Hooters, where an employee found him in the parking lot and called police.

Deborah Pugh, who owns the child care business, said Wednesday that the boy asked to go to the bathroom and then slipped out a fire exit door, which must, by law, remain unlocked. Denton police spokesman Jim Bryan said someone from the child care center called 911 at 5:04 p.m., saying the child was missing. Officers searched the immediate vicinity and could not find the boy. “At 5:20 p.m., while the officer was on the scene at the child care center, the assistant manager of Hooters called police,” Bryan said. “He said they had found a boy wandering in the parking lot.”
CNN reported that thirty people convicted of drug and other criminal charges where slated to be hanged on Sunday, Iran’s semi-official Fars News Agency reported Saturday. The Iranian judiciary’s statement said that all 30 were convicted of crimes including murder, murder in commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security, being a public nuisance while drunk, and being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other.

The judiciary said it will provide more details later as to the crimes committed by those condemned and added that the hangings should serve as a warning to those who are contemplating committing such crimes. Police cracked down on drug dealers, whom they called criminal gang members, and habitual criminals who use guns in the commission of their crime. Alleged weapons smugglers and people who break social and religious laws, including adulterers, were also targets. Experts say that once Iran gets a nuclear bomb, the world will behave much better.

“It’s my responsibility as a follower of the Hidden Imam, to restore justice and chaos to the world by nuking drunks, Jews and Hooters restaurants,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a thoughtful religious man, who believes in peace through destroying all who disagree with him.  “Our revolution’s main mission is to pave the way for the reappearance of the 12th Imam, the Mahdi.  And as part of my peaceful mission I will destroy the Jewish squatters on Palestinian land and the Americans with their immoral restaurants that tempt young children to escape concentration camps that are there for civil indoctrination.  In many ways I am my own god, or at least darn close to it.”

In other news, UK’s Daily Mail reported Thursday that a recent government report advises parents to watch steamy TV dramas and read teenagers’ magazines to help them start conversations with their children about sex. The report, commissioned by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, urged parents to make sex and relationships part of everyday conversation. It said they should look for possible discussion topics on TV, such as Ian Beale on EastEnders confronting his daughter Lucy about her boyfriend, only for her uncle to find her planning to have sex. No word on whether the UK government thinks daytime TV can help keep kids from busting into Hooters or keep Ahmadinejad from busting up the world.

(C) 2008

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San Francisco decision may bail out Heidi Fleiss

Hard times for Heidi in Nevada
San Francisco may legalize prostitution

Inebriated Press
July 28, 2008

Reuters reported last week that Heidi Fleiss, known as the “Hollywood Madam,” is suffering tough times in Nevada. Convicted in 1997 in connection with her prostitution ring with charges including pandering and tax evasion, she served 21 months and then headed for the Nevada desert to sell sex legally.  But the desert is a dry place and business is the wrong kind of hard.  But that may be about to change.  Fox News reported last week that San Francisco will vote in November on whether to decriminalize prostitution in the city.  If the measure passes, Fleiss could be back in business with a real population base that she is familiar with.  That’s got to have her California dreamin’. 

Heidi Fleiss, notable humanitarian and businesswoman.

Heidi Fleiss, notable humanitarian and businesswoman.

“It was a tough break for Heidi and the West Coast when the cops took her down for supplying a needed service to famous Hollywood types like Charlie Sheen and others, who needed a quick trick now and then so they could get by and still avoid paparazzi,” said Infamous Stringer, a bureaucratic intellectual who thinks sex should be provided during lunch hour to government employees and funded by the state.  “When Frisco adopts the new law she’ll be able to come in from the desert and put together a good business organization again.  It was a shame that she got into trouble for doing what she does best.  This law will give her the break she needs to get back on her feet, or back, whatever.”

Not everyone thinks Fleiss can make it go in San Francisco, and others think San Francisco shouldn’t okay prostitution.  “Aren’t San Francisco values screwed up enough with taxpayers funding housing for unemployed drug addicts, free needles and condoms for them and harboring illegal aliens to keep down the cost of sex in back allies and fast food out front,” asked Summ Guyy, nursing a grudge and wishing we was someone else.  “I mean, how much more wrong do you want to get?  The city can’t afford the craziness it has now.  Legalize prostitution for what reason?  To give Fleiss a good market to work with?  To put more women on the street?  Come on now, this is nuts.”

Local businesswomen offering illegal wares.

Local businesswomen offering illegal wares.

Fox News reported that a measure aiming to keep prostitutes from facing criminal charges has qualified for the November ballot in San Francisco. The measure would bar authorities from spending money to investigate or prosecute prostitutes for engaging in prostitution. The Erotic Service Providers Union recently announced it had gathered the 12,000 signatures necessary to put the measure on the ballot after failing to get a similar initiative before voters in 2006. Mayor Gavin Newsom says the measure would hurt the city’s ability to investigate and prosecute sex-trafficking crimes.  He didn’t say whether he thinks that’s a good or bad thing.

Reuters reported that Heidi Fleiss has found hard times in Nevada desert. The article said that it’s a long trip from the lush gardens and multimillion-dollar mansions of Beverly Hills to the desert scrub brush and a broken-down home in Pahrump, Nevada, but the former Hollywood Madam has made it. Starting today, documentary filmmakers Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato (“The Eyes of Tammy Faye”) offer HBO viewers a look into the recent life of the woman who in the mid-1990s became infamous for her arrest and trial on charges stemming from running a high-priced Hollywood call girl ring. A decade later, Bailey and Barbato follow Fleiss as she sets out to open a legal brothel in Nevada called “Heidi’s Stud Farm” that caters to women, then runs into obstacles set up by local business leaders and battles her own drug abuse.

Fleiss, now 42, became a media sensation following her 1993 arrest in Los Angeles on charges of running a prostitution business that catered to the rich and famous. After trials in state and federal court, Fleiss eventually spent time in prison for tax evasion. She never revealed the names of clients, but actor Charlie Sheen acknowledged in videotaped trial testimony that he paid thousands of dollars for the services of her prostitutes.

Bailey and Barbato say Fleiss’ story is neither a tragedy, nor a triumph. In fact, they see their subject as a work in progress. “Look, Heidi Fleiss is not going to have anybody feel sorry for her,” Barbato said. “This is like the second act of her life, and there will be a third.”  Up next: San Francisco?

Low-overhead, solid cash flow, good tax revenue business considered by City of San Francisco.

Low-overhead, solid cash flow, good tax revenue business considered by City of San Francisco.

“We could use some organization and new taxable business in this city, what with liberals running things and our budget out of control.  Someone like Fleiss could come in here, jump start and ramp up the hooker action, pull serious sex trade from L.A. to the Bay, and with the new taxable enterprise, eliminate our budget deficit,” said an unnamed government official who continues to deny that he’s the Mayor.  “Some say it will lead to corruption but that’s silly talk, we couldn’t get a government much more corrupt that ours is already.  Legalized hookers would probably drop the crime rate.  If we legalize robbery for say, thefts below $100,000, we’d slash crime statistics even more.  I think we’re on to something with this.  We’re going to be a model city that the rest of America will be following.  We’ve already got Obama going against god and guns.  We’re a trend setter I tell you.”

In other news, New York Daily reported Thursday that new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie skipped sex and went in vitro when they decided to add to their family. “They conceived through in vitro fertilization,” a Brangelina pal said. “They both desperately wanted more babies soon.” Reportedly Jolie, 33, opted for the pricey procedure so “she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant,” the source added. According to San Francisco hooker advocates this kind of problem has become prevalent since Fleiss was run out of Hollywood.  “Sex without Fleiss is stressful and no fun, and that’s true whether you’re trying to get knocked up or not,” said an unnamed Academy Award winner.  “We need our hooker back here fast; we have no idea what we’re doing anymore.”

(C) 2008

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News Potpourri: firebomb apology, anti-Mensa drug deals and the underwear dare he just couldn’t refuse

Articles in this document:
     Firebomb victims find note of apology
     Pair robbed while trying to buy drugs
     Underwear chicken dare puts man in hospital

Firebomb victims find note of apology
Elise Stolte
The Edmonton Journal
July 23, 2008

EDMONTON – An Edmonton couple whose home was firebombed two weeks ago say they found a surprise apology note in their mailbox three days later.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” someone wrote on a piece of looseleaf paper. “The wrong house was targeted … we believed that someone else lived there. There is no need to worry for any future attacks.”

Andrea and Byron Dohms had just gone to bed on July 9 when they heard a window shatter downstairs.

Someone threw four Molotov cocktails at their house near 33rd Street and 28A Avenue. The two bottles that landed inside the house weren’t lit and fire crews minimized exterior damage.

The couple had no idea why they were targeted, said Andrea Dohms. She slept poorly after that night and started at the sound of a slamming car door.

Three days later, Dohms found the apology tucked in among sympathy cards from neighbours. She turned it over to police.

“We were pretty surprised,” Dohms said later. “We did appreciate it … but the reality is, they were trying to hit someone.

“It sounds like they didn’t want innocent people to be affected but, really, you can’t control something like that. It could get really bad. They could kill somebody.”

On Monday, police tied an eighth firebombing in the area to a growing vendetta between three groups of youths in Mill Woods.

So far, no one has been injured in the attacks.

Many of the victims aren’t co-operating with police investigators.

Pair robbed while trying to buy drugs

The Wichita Eagle
Jul. 22, 2008

Invitations to join Mensa aren’t likely to be mailed to two people who called police late Monday night to report a crime.

The offense? Someone robbed them while they were attempting to buy marijuana in north Wichita.

Police interviewed the 19-year-old woman and 24-year-old man in the 2600 block of North Madison, where they said two people stole her purse — which included a large amount of cash with which they intended to purchase the drugs.

After taking their report, police arrested the victims on suspicion of attempted possession of marijuana with the intent to distribute.

Underwear chicken dare puts man in hospital

Yahoo! News
Jul 23, 2008

SYDNEY (Reuters) – An Australian man’s dare went horribly wrong when he tried to play chicken with cars on a freeway wearing only his underwear. The 18 year old was critically injured after being hit by a four-wheel drive on a freeway in the southern city of Melbourne in the early hours of Wednesday, police said in a statement.
“Police are dismayed at the utter stupidity of a man who decided to play chicken on the Tullamarine Freeway,” the statement said.

“It was lucky nobody was killed as a result and police couldn’t believe anybody would be foolish enough to take such grave risks with their personal safety and that of other road users.” The driver and passenger in the car were unhurt, though the vehicle was a write-off.

(Reporting by Jonathan Standing; Editing by Valerie Lee)

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NEWS: Viagra for Women Does the Trick

Viagra aids women in study

Omaha World Herald
July 23, 2008

CHICAGO (AP) — Women who have trouble getting sexually aroused as a side effect of taking antidepressants may be helped by Viagra, a study has found.

The research involving 98 premenopausal women found that Viagra helped with orgasm. But the benefits did not extend to other aspects of sex such as desire, researchers report in today’s Journal of the American Medical Association.

Viagra does the trick for some women.
Viagra does the trick for some women.

Antidepressants can interfere with sex drive and performance even as the drugs help lift crippling depression.

Pfizer Inc. spokeswoman Sally Beatty said the company currently has no plans to pursue FDA approval for using its drug Viagra as a treatment for female sexual dysfunction. The company ended its internal research on Viagra for women in 2004. Although Viagra was found to be safe, the results were inconclusive, Beatty said.

The new Viagra findings are based on an eight-week experiment. The 98 women were using antidepressants successfully but were having sexual problems. Their average age was 37.

The women agreed to attempt sexual activity at least once each week. Each time, they took a pill, not knowing whether it was Viagra or a dummy pill.

While 72 percent of the women taking Viagra reported improvement on an overall scale, only 27 percent of the women taking the placebo reported improvement.

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How to solve high gas prices and traffic tickets

Special no-tax gas deal for Democrats in Denver
Special license plates for government workers in California

Inebriated Press
July 25, 2008

Rocky Mountain News reported Tuesday that the committee hosting the Democratic National Convention has used the city’s gas pumps to fill up and avoid paying state and federal fuel taxes. The tax avoiding plan may actually be an extension of a program initiated in California that allows government officials and their families to dodge traffic tickets by receiving special license plates. The evidence that Democrats and Socialists really do have it better than hard-working regular folks, is starting to pile up like the federal deficit.

Obama refusing an American flag lapel pin while talking income redistribution.

Obama refusing an American flag lapel pin while talking income redistribution.

“It’s high time that the socialist plans of the Democrat party start paying off for bureaucrats and campaign workers like it should,” said Hefty Bottom-Sunbeam, an Obama campaign worker, who supports income redistribution and free healthcare for people with big asses.  “It’s the god and gun loving idiots who should do all the work and pay us to sit on our butts and dream big and tell them what to do, because we know better.  We love America and want to change it as fast as we can.  It’s the Obama vision that we embrace.  And giving your money to me is the right way to get things going.  Hand me your wallet.”

Not everyone is signing up for the Bottom-Sunbeam plan.  “Tax-free gas for Obama’s supporters in Denver and no-fault license plates for government officials and their families in California is exactly what Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi want, and on the surface it looks fine, but under the surface the rest of us pay out of our asses,” said Bubbles Boob-Jobb, a free-loving convenience store clerk, who often gets serious when looking below the surface of things and finding shit she’d like to stop.  “All the blue smoke and mirrors that Obama and the Democrats are spitting around is designed to fake us out. They’ve been up front with statements about hiking our taxes and taking our money and giving it to the United Nations and non-working addicts the same way San Francisco does.  They’ve just tried to distract us with chaff.  Well, both the U.N. and San Francisco are corrupt, and giving our hard earned money to a scheme like that is stupid at best and robbery at worst.  It’s disgusting.”

Rocky Mountain News reported that the committee hosting the Democratic National Convention has used the city’s gas pumps to fill up and apparently avoided paying state and federal fuel taxes. The practice, which began four months ago, may have ended hours after its disclosure. An aide to Mayor John Hickenlooper released a statement Tuesday evening saying that Denver 2008 Host Committee members would pay market prices for fuel and would also be liable for all applicable taxes.  However, Public Works spokeswoman Christine Downs told City Council members just hours before that host committee members were fueling up at the city pumps. The city does not pay taxes on the fuel for its fleet, and Downs said the host committee would not either.

City Councilman Charlie Brown raised the question of whether the host committee would be paying fuel taxes, and Downs said it wouldn’t. “There’s something there that just doesn’t seem right to me because, in a sense, you’re saying then that the officials who pass the laws are not willing to live by them,” said Councilwoman Jeanne Faatz. Hickenlooper said the practice isn’t unique to Denver.

“I do know for a fact that they’re doing the same exact thing in Minneapolis,” Hickenlooper said, referring to the city that along with St. Paul is hosting the Republican National Convention. But Teresa McFarland, a spokeswoman for the Minneapolis-St. Paul host committee, said its members are getting their gas at public pumps. “We’re not getting a tax break on fuel,” she said. “That’s not the setup at this end.”

In Colorado, consumers pay 40.4 cents per gallon in state and federal fuel taxes – unless you’re a Democrat campaign worker.

The California Politburo rides free.

The California Politburo rides free.

The Orange County Register reported earlier this year that a Register investigation found a confidential license plate program that shields California officials and their families from paying tolls and getting traffic tickets. The state program hides their home address on Department of Motor Vehicles records so no tickets can ever be delivered to them. The agency that operates the tollway also does not have legal access to their address and can’t bill them when they blow past toll takers.

An Orange County Register investigation has found that the program, designed 30 years ago to protect police from criminals, has been expanded to cover hundreds of thousands of public employees – from police dispatchers to museum guards – who face little threat from the public.

Their spouses and children can get the plates, too. The Register found that the confidential plate program shields these motorists in ways most of us can only dream about:

•Vehicles with protected license plates can run through dozens of intersections controlled by red light cameras and breeze along the 91 toll lanes with impunity.

•Parking citations issued to vehicles with protected plates are often dismissed because the process necessary to pierce the shield is too cumbersome.

•Some patrol officers let drivers with protected plates off with a warning because the plates signal that the drivers are “one of their own” or related to someone who is.

The Register used public records laws to obtain OCTA computer logs for the 91 Express Lanes and found 14,535 unpaid trips by motorists with confidential plates in the past five years. A Register analysis showed that was 3,722 separate vehicles, some running the toll road hundreds of times. That’s only about $29,500 in tolls, but under the penalty schedule set by state law, fines for chronic violators can reach $500 per toll, which would total more than $5 million for the confidential plate holders with multiple violations if they ignored warning notices.

An activist who lobbies for fair traffic laws said the entire program is out of control.  But not everyone sees it that way.

Bill Clinton doing one more thing he can get away with.

Bill Clinton doing one more thing he can get away with.

“A Democrat should be allowed to do anything and get away with it,” said Bill Clinton, a former president who lied to a Grand Jury, screwed interns in the oval office, and then pardoned arms dealers and got away with all of it.  “There are some whiners who think you have to earn the right to do things and that fair play is part of the American dream.  Maybe it used to be but not anymore.  Today you do what you can get away with, and when you make the rules you run the setup and get all the juice.  That’s the way it is and the way it should be.  You think you don’t know what Obama stands for because he changes his mind all the time?  His consistency is inconsistency.  Get used to it.  You’re in for a wild four years kid’s.  I can hardly wait!”

In other news, Fox reported yesterday that despite the constant favorable news coverage Barack Obama is receiving on his foreign trip, his poll numbers haven’t seen a bounce. A just-released FOX News poll shows Obama now holds the slimmest possible edge over John McCain, leading 41 percent to 40 percent in a head-to-head contest. In fact, Obama’s support is down from 45 percent last month. No word on who gets to enjoy tax-free gas or traffic-ticket free driving next, but maybe if Obama shares it with the “god and guns” people they’ll toss a few more votes his way.

(C) 2008

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