Bikini babes set record at Bondi Beach, Australia
From YeinJee’s Asian Journal
A total of 1,010 bikini-clad women made history at Bondi Beach, Australia, last year where they set a world record by posing in the largest swimsuit photo shoot ever.
Bikini Babes set World Record
The shoot appeared in the January issue of Cosmopolitan, and will be featured in the next edition of the Guinness World Records book, out in September 2008.
Trend-setting Jeremiah Wright supporter gets creative
Inebriated Press
July 30, 2008
Michelle Obama, wife of presidential candidate and first term U.S. Senator Barack Obama, has announced a nude luncheon fundraiser for Obama’s presidential campaign to be held in New York with New Yorkers who prefer nudity over god and guns. Reportedly Michelle wants to reposition her image away from that of a bitchy woman who only began to feel proud of America when Barack started making headway in the polls. The UK Metro reported last Friday that nude dining is a hot new craze and apparently Michelle has grabbed hold of the new trend as a way to spin out of her negative image, and raise a little cash at the same time.
“I feel that Michelle’s plans for fundraising through public nudity is both warranted and creative, and while I don’t typically condone her baring her breasts and other stuff for public purview, I think that her motives are good and like Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, it’s the caring attitude that really counts, not what anyone actually does,” said the junior Senator from Illinois, quoting himself in an undefined context which will be clarified at a later date. “We are who we’ve been waiting for, and a little flesh for money now and then is also something that many of us have been waiting for. It’s time that we set aside divisive talk and change out of our old attitudes and clothing. I support my wife’s efforts to flaunt herself in an attempt to help us gain money and power, and I’ll continue my audacity as I hope to be crowned the leader of the free world. So help me god… or someone else, I’m not sure about god or guns, I try not to cling to them you know.”
Some pundits are uncomfortable with the continuing focus of Democrat politicians, past, present and future, on sex and nudity. “Why can’t we just get a president like Abraham Lincoln who put God and Country ahead of sex and nudity,” asked Sloe Learner, a conservative rural American who frequently clings to god and guns in physical and metaphysical ways. “I know that John Kennedy set a standard for Democrats with Marilyn Monroe and other babes in the White House, and Bill Clinton jumped on that horse and rode it all with way to the blue dress episode. But this naked Democrat illicit sex stuff is getting kind of old, what with New York Governor Spitzer and Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick getting in on the sex play. Heck Democrat politicians’ at all levels are stripping down and jumping everything that moves. Where did statesmanship go? If I wanted this kind of behavior in government I’d vote for Hugh Hefner.”
The Metro reported that as temperatures rise New York’s summer diners are foregoing pesky clothes and joining the Optional Clothing Diners club. The group, whose motto is “no hot soup”, boasts a membership of 50 and regularly attends restaurants in the city for healthy, clothes-free meals. “We’re just more comfortable nude,” said John Ordover, who rents city eateries for dinner parties with a strict dress code – no clothes allowed. “We’re not out to shock or put on a public spectacle. We want only to do things that other people do in the way that we are most comfortable doing them. That, for us, is without clothes,” he said. “If you work in a restaurant in New York City, the chances are you’ve seen a lot more shocking things than a room full of naked diners,” he added. Michelle Obama agrees.
“It’s not like I’ll be selling sex for money, it’ll just be a tasteful nude luncheon with cucumber sandwiches and vodka on the rocks and the acceptance of cash for promises of future things to be defined later,” said Michelle, winking and rubbing her hand up her right leg as she extended it in the direction of the North Pole. Then wrapping her tongue around a swizzle stick she flicked it into the heart of a passing Republican. “I’m just a simple country girl who was born in Chicago and didn’t even kill my first man until my fourteenth birthday. What’s a little public nudity between consenting financiers and power brokers? I didn’t go to Princeton University and Harvard Law School just to stay busy. I do whatever I need to in order to get what I want. Now hand me that g-string, I need to practice for the luncheon and may do a strip tease for an extra 20 percent.”
In other news, Metro reported Friday that a job vacancy for a naked cleaner is being advertised at a Jobcentre, the Department for Work and Pensions confirmed. The advertisement, placed in Southampton, Hampshire, by the firm Knobs ‘n’ Knockers, says that it is looking for applicants of both sexes to do washing-up and ironing in the nude. No word on how many former Knobs ‘n’ Knockers workers are currently helping run the Obama for President Campaign, but Bill Clinton says, “The more the merrier.”
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Common sense is in the eye of the beholder
Inebriated Press
July 29, 2008
The Denton Record-Chronicle, a Texas newspaper, reported last week that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of his child care center and crossed two busy streets to get to a Hooters restaurant. And CNN reported on Saturday that Iran scheduled the hanging of thirty people for crimes including being a public nuisance while drunk. Pundits are debating the social risks of semi-nude waitresses and annoying drunks to children and society, and whether killing people involved is really the thing to do.
“Let the kids go to Hooters and the drunks be annoying, but if you can’t handle that, then lock the doors on day-care’s so the kids can’t sneak out, and throw the irritating drunks into the street. Don’t hang the kids or adults over silly infractions,” said Sistine ‘Sissy’ Chapel, a religious do-gooder whose enormous breasts are used only for feeding widows and orphans. “I don’t think that scantily clad waitresses are necessary or that people should get drunk on liquor, but I still think that personal freedoms are more important than laws that ban silly things. And I like Dairy Queen. No one should interfere with Dairy Queen. Some people call me that you know. I kind of like it.”
Not everyone agrees with Sistine Chapel or her alter ego Dairy Queen. “Hang the drunks and the kids and make the world a better place,” said Sandi Beech, a slender animal rights activist, who hates humankind and prefers to think of herself as a hairless Pekingese, although she looks more like a Chihuahua. “Iran understands that if you don’t kill annoying drunks they’ll become Jewish capitalists filled with the unquenchable desire to exploit innocent animals and display anti-Nazi behavior. And that kid in Texas obviously is obsessed with tits and will become an animal abuser like all guys who like breasts more than child care. All these people must be stopped for the good of society and the protection of dogs. Of whom I am one.”
The Denton Record-Chronicle reported that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of the Imagination Station child care center unnoticed last Tuesday, crossed two busy streets and wandered to a Hooter’s restaurant on the Interstate 35E service road in 100-degree heat. Employees of Hooters found the child safe about 5:20 p.m. He left the child care center in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard, crossed the Interstate 35E northbound service road and Dallas Drive, bought a soft drink at a service station and then walked to Hooters, where an employee found him in the parking lot and called police.
Deborah Pugh, who owns the child care business, said Wednesday that the boy asked to go to the bathroom and then slipped out a fire exit door, which must, by law, remain unlocked. Denton police spokesman Jim Bryan said someone from the child care center called 911 at 5:04 p.m., saying the child was missing. Officers searched the immediate vicinity and could not find the boy. “At 5:20 p.m., while the officer was on the scene at the child care center, the assistant manager of Hooters called police,” Bryan said. “He said they had found a boy wandering in the parking lot.”
CNN reported that thirty people convicted of drug and other criminal charges where slated to be hanged on Sunday, Iran’s semi-official Fars News Agency reported Saturday. The Iranian judiciary’s statement said that all 30 were convicted of crimes including murder, murder in commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security, being a public nuisance while drunk, and being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other.
The judiciary said it will provide more details later as to the crimes committed by those condemned and added that the hangings should serve as a warning to those who are contemplating committing such crimes. Police cracked down on drug dealers, whom they called criminal gang members, and habitual criminals who use guns in the commission of their crime. Alleged weapons smugglers and people who break social and religious laws, including adulterers, were also targets. Experts say that once Iran gets a nuclear bomb, the world will behave much better.
“It’s my responsibility as a follower of the Hidden Imam, to restore justice and chaos to the world by nuking drunks, Jews and Hooters restaurants,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a thoughtful religious man, who believes in peace through destroying all who disagree with him. “Our revolution’s main mission is to pave the way for the reappearance of the 12th Imam, the Mahdi. And as part of my peaceful mission I will destroy the Jewish squatters on Palestinian land and the Americans with their immoral restaurants that tempt young children to escape concentration camps that are there for civil indoctrination. In many ways I am my own god, or at least darn close to it.”
In other news, UK’s Daily Mail reported Thursday that a recent government report advises parents to watch steamy TV dramas and read teenagers’ magazines to help them start conversations with their children about sex. The report, commissioned by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, urged parents to make sex and relationships part of everyday conversation. It said they should look for possible discussion topics on TV, such as Ian Beale on EastEnders confronting his daughter Lucy about her boyfriend, only for her uncle to find her planning to have sex. No word on whether the UK government thinks daytime TV can help keep kids from busting into Hooters or keep Ahmadinejad from busting up the world.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Hard times for Heidi in Nevada
San Francisco may legalize prostitution
Inebriated Press
July 28, 2008
Reuters reported last week that Heidi Fleiss, known as the “Hollywood Madam,” is suffering tough times in Nevada. Convicted in 1997 in connection with her prostitution ring with charges including pandering and tax evasion, she served 21 months and then headed for the Nevada desert to sell sex legally. But the desert is a dry place and business is the wrong kind of hard. But that may be about to change. Fox News reported last week that San Francisco will vote in November on whether to decriminalize prostitution in the city. If the measure passes, Fleiss could be back in business with a real population base that she is familiar with. That’s got to have her California dreamin’.
Heidi Fleiss, notable humanitarian and businesswoman.
“It was a tough break for Heidi and the West Coast when the cops took her down for supplying a needed service to famous Hollywood types like Charlie Sheen and others, who needed a quick trick now and then so they could get by and still avoid paparazzi,” said Infamous Stringer, a bureaucratic intellectual who thinks sex should be provided during lunch hour to government employees and funded by the state. “When Frisco adopts the new law she’ll be able to come in from the desert and put together a good business organization again. It was a shame that she got into trouble for doing what she does best. This law will give her the break she needs to get back on her feet, or back, whatever.”
Not everyone thinks Fleiss can make it go in San Francisco, and others think San Francisco shouldn’t okay prostitution. “Aren’t San Francisco values screwed up enough with taxpayers funding housing for unemployed drug addicts, free needles and condoms for them and harboring illegal aliens to keep down the cost of sex in back allies and fast food out front,” asked Summ Guyy, nursing a grudge and wishing we was someone else. “I mean, how much more wrong do you want to get? The city can’t afford the craziness it has now. Legalize prostitution for what reason? To give Fleiss a good market to work with? To put more women on the street? Come on now, this is nuts.”
Local businesswomen offering illegal wares.
Fox News reported that a measure aiming to keep prostitutes from facing criminal charges has qualified for the November ballot in San Francisco. The measure would bar authorities from spending money to investigate or prosecute prostitutes for engaging in prostitution. The Erotic Service Providers Union recently announced it had gathered the 12,000 signatures necessary to put the measure on the ballot after failing to get a similar initiative before voters in 2006. Mayor Gavin Newsom says the measure would hurt the city’s ability to investigate and prosecute sex-trafficking crimes. He didn’t say whether he thinks that’s a good or bad thing.
Reuters reported that Heidi Fleiss has found hard times in Nevada desert. The article said that it’s a long trip from the lush gardens and multimillion-dollar mansions of Beverly Hills to the desert scrub brush and a broken-down home in Pahrump, Nevada, but the former Hollywood Madam has made it. Starting today, documentary filmmakers Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato (“The Eyes of Tammy Faye”) offer HBO viewers a look into the recent life of the woman who in the mid-1990s became infamous for her arrest and trial on charges stemming from running a high-priced Hollywood call girl ring. A decade later, Bailey and Barbato follow Fleiss as she sets out to open a legal brothel in Nevada called “Heidi’s Stud Farm” that caters to women, then runs into obstacles set up by local business leaders and battles her own drug abuse.
Fleiss, now 42, became a media sensation following her 1993 arrest in Los Angeles on charges of running a prostitution business that catered to the rich and famous. After trials in state and federal court, Fleiss eventually spent time in prison for tax evasion. She never revealed the names of clients, but actor Charlie Sheen acknowledged in videotaped trial testimony that he paid thousands of dollars for the services of her prostitutes.
Bailey and Barbato say Fleiss’ story is neither a tragedy, nor a triumph. In fact, they see their subject as a work in progress. “Look, Heidi Fleiss is not going to have anybody feel sorry for her,” Barbato said. “This is like the second act of her life, and there will be a third.” Up next: San Francisco?
Low-overhead, solid cash flow, good tax revenue business considered by City of San Francisco.
“We could use some organization and new taxable business in this city, what with liberals running things and our budget out of control. Someone like Fleiss could come in here, jump start and ramp up the hooker action, pull serious sex trade from L.A. to the Bay, and with the new taxable enterprise, eliminate our budget deficit,” said an unnamed government official who continues to deny that he’s the Mayor. “Some say it will lead to corruption but that’s silly talk, we couldn’t get a government much more corrupt that ours is already. Legalized hookers would probably drop the crime rate. If we legalize robbery for say, thefts below $100,000, we’d slash crime statistics even more. I think we’re on to something with this. We’re going to be a model city that the rest of America will be following. We’ve already got Obama going against god and guns. We’re a trend setter I tell you.”
In other news, New York Daily reported Thursday that new parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie skipped sex and went in vitro when they decided to add to their family. “They conceived through in vitro fertilization,” a Brangelina pal said. “They both desperately wanted more babies soon.” Reportedly Jolie, 33, opted for the pricey procedure so “she wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant,” the source added. According to San Francisco hooker advocates this kind of problem has become prevalent since Fleiss was run out of Hollywood. “Sex without Fleiss is stressful and no fun, and that’s true whether you’re trying to get knocked up or not,” said an unnamed Academy Award winner. “We need our hooker back here fast; we have no idea what we’re doing anymore.”
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Articles in this document:
Firebomb victims find note of apology
Pair robbed while trying to buy drugs
Underwear chicken dare puts man in hospital
Firebomb victims find note of apology
Elise Stolte
The Edmonton Journal
July 23, 2008
EDMONTON – An Edmonton couple whose home was firebombed two weeks ago say they found a surprise apology note in their mailbox three days later.
“I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” someone wrote on a piece of looseleaf paper. “The wrong house was targeted … we believed that someone else lived there. There is no need to worry for any future attacks.”
Andrea and Byron Dohms had just gone to bed on July 9 when they heard a window shatter downstairs.
Someone threw four Molotov cocktails at their house near 33rd Street and 28A Avenue. The two bottles that landed inside the house weren’t lit and fire crews minimized exterior damage.
The couple had no idea why they were targeted, said Andrea Dohms. She slept poorly after that night and started at the sound of a slamming car door.
Three days later, Dohms found the apology tucked in among sympathy cards from neighbours. She turned it over to police.
“We were pretty surprised,” Dohms said later. “We did appreciate it … but the reality is, they were trying to hit someone.
“It sounds like they didn’t want innocent people to be affected but, really, you can’t control something like that. It could get really bad. They could kill somebody.”
On Monday, police tied an eighth firebombing in the area to a growing vendetta between three groups of youths in Mill Woods.
So far, no one has been injured in the attacks.
Many of the victims aren’t co-operating with police investigators.
canada.com
Pair robbed while trying to buy drugs
BY STAN FINGER
The Wichita Eagle
Jul. 22, 2008
Invitations to join Mensa aren’t likely to be mailed to two people who called police late Monday night to report a crime.
The offense? Someone robbed them while they were attempting to buy marijuana in north Wichita.
Police interviewed the 19-year-old woman and 24-year-old man in the 2600 block of North Madison, where they said two people stole her purse — which included a large amount of cash with which they intended to purchase the drugs.
After taking their report, police arrested the victims on suspicion of attempted possession of marijuana with the intent to distribute.
kansas.com
Underwear chicken dare puts man in hospital
Yahoo! News
Jul 23, 2008
SYDNEY (Reuters) – An Australian man’s dare went horribly wrong when he tried to play chicken with cars on a freeway wearing only his underwear. The 18 year old was critically injured after being hit by a four-wheel drive on a freeway in the southern city of Melbourne in the early hours of Wednesday, police said in a statement.
“Police are dismayed at the utter stupidity of a man who decided to play chicken on the Tullamarine Freeway,” the statement said.
“It was lucky nobody was killed as a result and police couldn’t believe anybody would be foolish enough to take such grave risks with their personal safety and that of other road users.” The driver and passenger in the car were unhurt, though the vehicle was a write-off.
(Reporting by Jonathan Standing; Editing by Valerie Lee)
news.yahoo.com
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Viagra aids women in study
Omaha World Herald
July 23, 2008
CHICAGO (AP) — Women who have trouble getting sexually aroused as a side effect of taking antidepressants may be helped by Viagra, a study has found.
The research involving 98 premenopausal women found that Viagra helped with orgasm. But the benefits did not extend to other aspects of sex such as desire, researchers report in today’s Journal of the American Medical Association.
Antidepressants can interfere with sex drive and performance even as the drugs help lift crippling depression.
Pfizer Inc. spokeswoman Sally Beatty said the company currently has no plans to pursue FDA approval for using its drug Viagra as a treatment for female sexual dysfunction. The company ended its internal research on Viagra for women in 2004. Although Viagra was found to be safe, the results were inconclusive, Beatty said.
The new Viagra findings are based on an eight-week experiment. The 98 women were using antidepressants successfully but were having sexual problems. Their average age was 37.
The women agreed to attempt sexual activity at least once each week. Each time, they took a pill, not knowing whether it was Viagra or a dummy pill.
While 72 percent of the women taking Viagra reported improvement on an overall scale, only 27 percent of the women taking the placebo reported improvement.
omaha.com
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Inebriated Press
July 25, 2008
Rocky Mountain News reported Tuesday that the committee hosting the Democratic National Convention has used the city’s gas pumps to fill up and avoid paying state and federal fuel taxes. The tax avoiding plan may actually be an extension of a program initiated in California that allows government officials and their families to dodge traffic tickets by receiving special license plates. The evidence that Democrats and Socialists really do have it better than hard-working regular folks, is starting to pile up like the federal deficit.
Obama refusing an American flag lapel pin while talking income redistribution.
“It’s high time that the socialist plans of the Democrat party start paying off for bureaucrats and campaign workers like it should,” said Hefty Bottom-Sunbeam, an Obama campaign worker, who supports income redistribution and free healthcare for people with big asses. “It’s the god and gun loving idiots who should do all the work and pay us to sit on our butts and dream big and tell them what to do, because we know better. We love America and want to change it as fast as we can. It’s the Obama vision that we embrace. And giving your money to me is the right way to get things going. Hand me your wallet.”
Not everyone is signing up for the Bottom-Sunbeam plan. “Tax-free gas for Obama’s supporters in Denver and no-fault license plates for government officials and their families in California is exactly what Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi want, and on the surface it looks fine, but under the surface the rest of us pay out of our asses,” said Bubbles Boob-Jobb, a free-loving convenience store clerk, who often gets serious when looking below the surface of things and finding shit she’d like to stop. “All the blue smoke and mirrors that Obama and the Democrats are spitting around is designed to fake us out. They’ve been up front with statements about hiking our taxes and taking our money and giving it to the United Nations and non-working addicts the same way San Francisco does. They’ve just tried to distract us with chaff. Well, both the U.N. and San Francisco are corrupt, and giving our hard earned money to a scheme like that is stupid at best and robbery at worst. It’s disgusting.”
Rocky Mountain News reported that the committee hosting the Democratic National Convention has used the city’s gas pumps to fill up and apparently avoided paying state and federal fuel taxes. The practice, which began four months ago, may have ended hours after its disclosure. An aide to Mayor John Hickenlooper released a statement Tuesday evening saying that Denver 2008 Host Committee members would pay market prices for fuel and would also be liable for all applicable taxes. However, Public Works spokeswoman Christine Downs told City Council members just hours before that host committee members were fueling up at the city pumps. The city does not pay taxes on the fuel for its fleet, and Downs said the host committee would not either.
City Councilman Charlie Brown raised the question of whether the host committee would be paying fuel taxes, and Downs said it wouldn’t. “There’s something there that just doesn’t seem right to me because, in a sense, you’re saying then that the officials who pass the laws are not willing to live by them,” said Councilwoman Jeanne Faatz. Hickenlooper said the practice isn’t unique to Denver.
“I do know for a fact that they’re doing the same exact thing in Minneapolis,” Hickenlooper said, referring to the city that along with St. Paul is hosting the Republican National Convention. But Teresa McFarland, a spokeswoman for the Minneapolis-St. Paul host committee, said its members are getting their gas at public pumps. “We’re not getting a tax break on fuel,” she said. “That’s not the setup at this end.”
In Colorado, consumers pay 40.4 cents per gallon in state and federal fuel taxes – unless you’re a Democrat campaign worker.
The California Politburo rides free.
The Orange County Register reported earlier this year that a Register investigation found a confidential license plate program that shields California officials and their families from paying tolls and getting traffic tickets. The state program hides their home address on Department of Motor Vehicles records so no tickets can ever be delivered to them. The agency that operates the tollway also does not have legal access to their address and can’t bill them when they blow past toll takers.
An Orange County Register investigation has found that the program, designed 30 years ago to protect police from criminals, has been expanded to cover hundreds of thousands of public employees – from police dispatchers to museum guards – who face little threat from the public.
Their spouses and children can get the plates, too. The Register found that the confidential plate program shields these motorists in ways most of us can only dream about:
•Vehicles with protected license plates can run through dozens of intersections controlled by red light cameras and breeze along the 91 toll lanes with impunity.
•Parking citations issued to vehicles with protected plates are often dismissed because the process necessary to pierce the shield is too cumbersome.
•Some patrol officers let drivers with protected plates off with a warning because the plates signal that the drivers are “one of their own” or related to someone who is.
The Register used public records laws to obtain OCTA computer logs for the 91 Express Lanes and found 14,535 unpaid trips by motorists with confidential plates in the past five years. A Register analysis showed that was 3,722 separate vehicles, some running the toll road hundreds of times. That’s only about $29,500 in tolls, but under the penalty schedule set by state law, fines for chronic violators can reach $500 per toll, which would total more than $5 million for the confidential plate holders with multiple violations if they ignored warning notices.
An activist who lobbies for fair traffic laws said the entire program is out of control. But not everyone sees it that way.
Bill Clinton doing one more thing he can get away with.
“A Democrat should be allowed to do anything and get away with it,” said Bill Clinton, a former president who lied to a Grand Jury, screwed interns in the oval office, and then pardoned arms dealers and got away with all of it. “There are some whiners who think you have to earn the right to do things and that fair play is part of the American dream. Maybe it used to be but not anymore. Today you do what you can get away with, and when you make the rules you run the setup and get all the juice. That’s the way it is and the way it should be. You think you don’t know what Obama stands for because he changes his mind all the time? His consistency is inconsistency. Get used to it. You’re in for a wild four years kid’s. I can hardly wait!”
In other news, Fox reported yesterday that despite the constant favorable news coverage Barack Obama is receiving on his foreign trip, his poll numbers haven’t seen a bounce. A just-released FOX News poll shows Obama now holds the slimmest possible edge over John McCain, leading 41 percent to 40 percent in a head-to-head contest. In fact, Obama’s support is down from 45 percent last month. No word on who gets to enjoy tax-free gas or traffic-ticket free driving next, but maybe if Obama shares it with the “god and guns” people they’ll toss a few more votes his way.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
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U.S. and Canadian anarchists spend week in Sheboygan
Russia may deploy long-range bombers to Cuba
Inebriated Press
July 25, 2008
The Idaho Statesman reported Monday that anarchists from throughout the United States and Canada descended on a Sheboygan County Wisconsin village for four days of workshops last week. And Deutsche Presse-Agentur reported that the Russian military is considering deploying long-range bombers to Cuba to counter a perceived threat from the U.S. missile defense shield planned for the Czech Republic and Poland. Terrorists and drunken hoot owls see this as a mere distraction to beheadings and daily cartoon reading, but Congressional Democrats are pressing the White House to relocate troops from Afghanistan, Iraq and Europe to Wisconsin.
“The threat to dairy cows and Wisconsin Cheese from anarchists has reached a boiling point and there’s no time to waste in idle contemplation about ramifications of troop withdrawals from the Middle East or the European Union,” said Senate majority leader Harry Reid, buttering both sides of a piece of bread and trying to be all things to leftists and socialists. “I hate the Right with a passion and the Far Right even more than I hate fair-play in government dealing. It’s time that both parties set aside petty differences and do what I want because we have cheese at risk here. Cheese Gromit, cheese!”
Not everyone thinks that pulling American troops out of the Middle East or Europe will improve global stability or safety in the United States. “Europe has remained stable under the careful watch and support of the U.S. following World War 2, and we’ve gained ground as the Soviet Union collapsed and Eastern European nations began developing individual freedom and the economic infrastructure necessary to improve living standards and health in their nations,” said an innocent bystander who just happened to be paying attention, unlike most Democrats in Congress. “By staying in the Middle East and adjusting to the threats from Al Qaeda and Iran in Afghanistan and Iraq, we bring stability and both economic and personal freedoms to those people. Arabs have been killing each other indiscriminately for generations so things are tougher to fix there than it was in Europe, but the outcome is worth it. They’re not killing us here and some are getting a taste of real freedom – both personal and economic. We have to stare down those nay-sayers who want us out, like Bin Laden, Obama, the Iranians, Russians and Democrats.”
The Idaho Statesman reported that some 150 anarchists from throughout the United States and Canada descended on a strip of private land last week in the village of Waldo, in Sheboygan County, Wis., for four days of workshops, including some focused on strategizing for demonstrations at the upcoming Democratic and Republican national conventions. The 2008 CrimethInc. Convergence was the sixth annual communal campout organized by CrimethInc. Ex-Workers’ Collective, an international underground network that since the mid-1990s has published widely read anarchist texts such as “Recipes for Disaster: An Anarchist Cookbook.”
The group also has drawn the attention of FBI agents trying to infiltrate the protest movement. At the 2004 CrimethInc. gathering in Iowa, an undercover FBI operative met Eric McDavid, a California man who was found guilty last year of conspiring to burn or blow up a federal facility.
“The locals are welcome,” media liaison and local circus performer Pinkerton Xyloma said. “We have a no-media policy because the media are not considered individuals. It is a concern that people from the media will not respect people’s consent or consensus.” Xyloma would not say why the group was gathered in Wisconsin or what participants were discussing. He said they had no interest in violence or terrorism. According to their website the focus of the 2008 convergence was on strategizing for action at the national conventions and “longer-range anarchist endeavors.” Among the presenters: The RNC Welcoming Committee, an anarchist group preparing to disrupt the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minnesota.
Deutsche Presse-Agentur reported that the Russian military may deploy long-range bombers in Cuba to counter the U.S. missile defense shield planned to be based in the Czech Republic and Poland, according to Russian media reports Monday. “At the moment, there are just thoughts – but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something concrete behind it,” an unidentified officer was quoted as telling Izvestiya newspaper.
A former base commander, Lieutenant-General Mikhail Oparin, was quoted as welcoming the idea. “Russia’s air fleet must work towards a presence in every corner of the world,” he told Interfax news agency. “An extended radius of action for our air force could be a response to the one-sided action of the USA in setting up a strategic system on Russia’s borders.” Russia views the planned deployment of ten US missiles in Poland and a radar facility in the Czech Republic as a threat. However, the presence of Russian bombers in Cuba would provoke an international conflict, the Izvestiya report said. Some pundits say that actions involving anarchy and long-range bombing are merely different attempts to communicate ones ideals, and should be respected like other peoples languages.
“Just because anarchists hang out in Wisconsin and Russia wants to put long-range bombers in Cuba doesn’t mean that they’re bad, or that they’re a threat to anyone,” said a junior Senator from Chicago named Barack Obama, a clever speaker, and friend to racketeers’ and anti-American ministers. “If America would provide enough free healthcare and housing assistance to the world through the United Nations like I’m proposing, and will start wearing head scarves and adopting pro-Iranian nuclear ambitions, we’ll have peace in our time and they’ll kill us last. It’s a dream that I have and with my platform of change, it’s a dream that I can bring to reality in America. The American people just have to stop clinging to god, guns, their bank accounts and personal freedoms, and adopt my platform of change so that we can realize this bright, new world. I love America. That’s why I want to change it into something else.”
In other news, OMG! reported last week that actress Salma Hayek called off her engagement to French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault the father of her daughter Valentina. And ABC News reported last week that Penelope Cruz is keen to follow best pal Salma Hayek’s example and start a family. No word on whether Cruz plans to have billionaire Pinault knock her up like Hayek but reportedly anarchists are keen on the idea. Vladimir Putin says he’ll swing by and take care of her himself if she wants, since he’ll be in the area with some bombers. Reportedly he said, “Communication takes many forms and I’m willing to have lots of communication with Penelope. And I have big powerful missiles. I’ll show her my favorite one.”
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
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New technology covers our needs
Inebriated Press
July 24, 2008
World Poultry reported yesterday that the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) says a new high-speed robot meets hygienic requirements and is approved for use in the preparation and packaging of meat products. And Tech Digest reported yesterday that a German scientist has developed a spray-on prophylactic to securely package men’s meat, thereby stopping pregnancy. Debate over managing hygiene and procreation through better meat handling technology is rattling around the craniums of sex and food aficionados’ everywhere.
“New technology has always been the driver behind better living, happier times, safe sex and high quality meat products,” said Anne Hampton-Meyer, a big-busted big-brained nymphomaniac who doubles as a middle school teacher in south Florida. “The creation of meat robots for the food industry and the advent of spray-on condoms for men are trend setting developments. Ultimately these two will be merged into a condom wearing robot capable of taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, doing the housework and delivering a perfect sexual experience for women. Today’s technology may be like the advent of air flight and the Wright Brothers clumsy attempts at airborne ecstasy, but it takes these early efforts to gain the experience necessary for future advancements. A robot done right is going to bring improved sexual satisfaction to women like me, which will be as different as flying in a biplane compared to the space shuttle. My skin is getting moist just thinking about it. Wowsers!”
Not everyone buys into the idea that technology is the key to better living. “Technology continues to remove the human element from the world around us and increasingly isolates individuals in artificial worlds of glass and plastic; and that’s not good for society or people,” said Candi Handelmi-Moore, a Whole Foods clerk and human touch advocate, whose natural curves belie a healthy appetite for all things sweet and some things carnal. “The world is a sensual place full of interesting human beings who breathe and touch and gasp and coo, moan and laugh, grasp and press. To exchange the tangle of arms and legs, sweat and sighs for mechanical clanking and whirring, chopping and bagging, is to lose the very things that make humanity worthwhile. A human hand should slice a steak and real meat should touch real flesh. Latex and stainless steel may have a place, but it’s a minor one. No robot can ever say ‘touch me’ and mean it the way I do.”
World Poultry reported that Fanuc Robotics America says its M-430iA/2F high-speed, food picking robot is the only robot that meets the hygiene requirements for meat and poultry processing, and receive equipment acceptance from the USDA. “We’re extremely proud that the M-430iA is built in accordance with the USDA, AMS hygiene requirements for the materials, design, and fabrication of equipment used in the preparation and packaging of food products,” said Sumeet Vispute, product manager. The article said the compact robot can be mounted in a variety of positions including floor, wall or invert, thereby maximizing flexibility.
Tech Digest reported that German scientist Jan Vinzenz Krause, has spent years working on a new way of enhancing the humble johnny, and now he has the solution – a spray-on prophylactic for your sceptre. Krause says no two schlongs are alike and sometimes pre-made jimmies just won’t fit. The spray-on service isn’t simply a case of cracking open a can of kids-b-gone and the process sounds rather complicated. Krause’s device is basically a chamber – not unlike a carwash – into which you insert your meat whistle. Fine jets will then distribute liquid latex onto your trouser snake over the course of 10 seconds. A further 20-25 seconds are required for drying. Krause was about to have a go at launching the product earlier this year, but problems with the patent halted his plans. Furthermore, because it is a medical product, it has to go through particularly rigorous testing. I expect that even as I type this, seventeen nervous German students are being asked to pop their pork swords inside a narrow tube that sprays hot latex. No word on whether USDA has considered the hygienic implications.
In other news, Australia’s Mercury reported last Friday that an American porn star is offering to provide Catholic priests some “street level” sex education to prevent abuse cases. Porn queen Belladonna, 27, with a husband and daughter at home in the US, arrived in Australia to promote her career. The church is currently celebrating World Youth Day there and has been fending off criticism over the way it has handled sex abuse claims. Belladonna is advising Pope Benedict XVI to let priests watch porn and gain more understanding.
“The Pope has indicated he might apologize to victims of sexual abuse and that is a positive thing to do,” the heavily tattooed Belladonna said. “But unless he follows up with some practical advice that addresses the sexual needs and desires of clergy, the problem will simply continue. Church clergy are at a crisis because they get no real street-level sex education but are expected to ply the streets to deliver their spiritual message.”
By her own admission, Belladonna has performed sexual acts with men and women in more than 250 X-rated movies. The porn star has offered 300 of her own films to the Catholic Church in Australia for distribution to priests. She also has offered to donate some of her own time to help set up a “meaningful set of exercises for priests to help them deal with sexual tension and stress”. No word on how Belladonna or the priests feel about robot butchers or spray-on condoms, but if Hugh Hefner gets his way they’ll probably all be staring in a new meat packing sex video in the near future. The tentative title is, “Belladonna: Queen of the Meat Robots; a Tale of Love and Lust in a Meat Packing Plant Populated by Illegal Hispanic Workers.”
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Esquire mag to publish scrolling cover using electronic paper tech
Men sentenced for setting friend’s crotch on fire
Janet Jackson’s ‘malfunction’ fine gets clipped
Inebriated Press
July 23, 2008
NewsFactor Network reported yesterday that Esquire magazine will celebrate its 75th birthday this year by becoming the first print magazine to utilize electronic paper. And MSNBC reported on Monday that two men are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch on fire. Meanwhile, the New York Daily News reported yesterday that a federal appeals court Monday threw out the $550,000 fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl. Some pundits say techie paper, balls of fire and breast flashing on TV is all in good fun, while others say it’s time to reign in the good time before somebody gets seriously hurt.
“Society is playing fast and loose with safety and ethics when people start lighting guys testicles on fire and ripping the bras off women during sporting events,” said I.M. Whett-Blankett, an Irish dissident living in Arkansas, best known for protesting everything and drinking heavily. “And electronic paper is a misnomer. I don’t believe it exists, but if it does you know it’ll short out and start your balls on fire. That or your bra will get caught in the gears and leave you topless on a subway someplace. Either way it should be banned for the safety of humankind. Pass me that Guinness will you, I need to freshen my breath.”
Not everyone thinks Whett-Blankett has a grasp on reality or that current trends are negative. “As society advances personal freedoms and extends them past old-fashioned ethics and hindrances to a good time, we’ll see growth in fun and experimentation, and that will entail some risk but it’s worth it,” said Sil E. String, a bodacious new comer to the world at large, weighing in at 45 pounds and 7 years of age. “Imagine what electronic paper will mean to Playboy magazine and what routine crotch fires will do for 24-7 news ratings! Toss in a few random events like women’s tops getting ripped off them during business meetings or when testifying before Congress and you have a society interesting enough to participate in. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to start having sex with my teachers. In the next couple years I expect it to be required in health class.”
NewsFactor Network reported that Esquire magazine will publish 100,000 scrolling covers in October using electronic paper technology from E Ink. The technology, from Cambridge, Mass.-based E Ink, will allow words and images to scroll across the front cover of its October issue. The back of the cover will feature a double-page ad for the Flex car from the cover’s sponsor, Ford. Representatives from the magazine and its parent company, Hearst, contracted with E Ink last summer to create a version of its electronic-paper technology, a form of which is already used for e-book/e-newspaper products like Amazon’s Kindle and the Sony Reader. But the 21st century issue will have a limited reach. The special cover will only be available on 100,000 issues to be offered at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and selected newsstands.
MSNBC reported that two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach, California. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge. Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail. Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man’s groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.
New York Daily News reported that a federal appeals court Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl. The three-judge panel of the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Communications Commission “acted arbitrarily and capriciously” in issuing the fine for the fleeting image of nudity. Ninety million people were watching the Super Bowl when singer Justin Timberlake reached for Jackson’s chest. The court found that the FCC fine for the “broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse of a bare female breast” deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining broadcast indecency only when it was extremely “pervasive.” Some say pervasive is as pervasive does.
“If it’s okay to flash tits on TV during prime time for nine-sixteenths of one second, why wouldn’t it be okay to do it for ten-sixteenths of one second and then maybe fifteen,” asked Misty Morning-Sunrise, a stripper and gynecologist, flashing her bare double-D’s for effect, in a moment that seemed suspended in time like the afterglow of a warm memory awash in something you love; etcetera, etcetera. “The notion that something pervasive is bad and if it’s brief it’s okay is absurd. How pervasive are women’s’ breasts? All women have them. Does that make them bad? Should we cut back to only one? How about we make them smaller rather than super-size them? How many millions of humans have dined on them as children? Are we to be ashamed of them now that suckling babes have grown up? Steady on America. Let’s cheer for the love of breasts and get a grip on government spending. Maybe I’ll run for Congress and use that as my slogan. Maybe I’ll use electronic paper to help me get my ideas across.”
In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that a female estate agent who was driven out of her job by her boss’s comments about her breasts has won more than £30,000. Julie-Ann Reed, 27, was so stressed by Gerald Probert’s behavior she became ill with depression. She told an employment tribunal in Exeter how Mr Probert said: ‘You should either reduce the size of your breasts or get some new blouses.’ When she objected to his sexist comments he fired her and told her: ‘You little shit, get out.’ No word on whether she considered lighting his crotch on fire, but if he appeals the monetary award the ‘balls of fire’ penalty may become part of future negotiations.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
San Francisco gives housing to homeless addicts
UK battles binge drinking by shrinking size of glasses
Inebriated Press
July 22, 2008
The San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that most of San Francisco’s homeless now have tax payer-funded and city-supplied housing, and while most remain addicts and continue to panhandle, stagger around drunk in public, and loiter in the streets, the heavily taxed citizens should feel good about it. And the UK Times reported that government officials are pressing pubs to reduce the size of the glasses they use and by so doing, end the risky habit of binge drinking. The efforts of government officials to treat the symptoms of problems while ignoring root causes, continues to cost taxpayers around the globe.
“Officials who give free houses to people who spend their money on drugs and booze are just enabling them to continue their lifestyle, and officials who think that by using smaller drinking glasses people will consume less, seem to have forgotten that shot glasses have existed for as long as drunks have,” said Lacy Pathright-McGee, a narrow-wasted, broad-hipped blonde, with twin double-D towers of womanhood, all providing underlying infrastructure to the 180 IQ tucked between her ears. “You’re not going to make solid-citizen-homemakers by giving a house to an addict anymore than you’re going to stop someone determined to drink themselves silly by making them use a smaller glass. That’s like saying my double-D’s will become C’s if I buy a smaller bra, or that Barack Obama is a patriot because he traveled to Iraq. Only an idiot would believe shit like that.”
Not everyone thinks Pathright-McGee is on the right track. “Getting homes for vagrants is the first step on the path to making them useful and productive citizens. In fact if we buy housing for everybody who doesn’t have housing but wants it, we’ll be creating demand for housing and help turn the home market crisis around. That’s some real win-win stuff,” said Bobby Boilerplate-Socialist, a caring and compassionate out-of-work journalism major, who believes that the quicker Obama starts income redistribution the better it will be for everyone except hard working taxpayers who need to suck it up and quit whining. “And of course new laws that reduce the size of drink glasses in bars will immediately cut back on drinking just like free condoms and birth control patches have cut back on underage sex and venereal disease. It’s high time that government is empowered with greater control over our lives. The only real way to provide greater freedom and a smaller tax burden for Americans is to increase the size of government and add new regulations. Why can’t some people understand that? And why won’t the Wall Street Journal hire me? Assholes.”
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that a civil grand jury report released last Wednesday says that the city should be proud of getting over 4,000 homeless people into housing since 2004 but distressed at the scene on the streets. Panhandling, public drunkenness and street loitering are still an unpleasant reality downtown. Hardly a week goes by without a note or e-mail from a tourist who was shocked by behaviors and conditions in the city. “We just warehouse addicts,” said the grand jury’s Stuart Smith. “Granted, it is a nicer place for them, but it doesn’t address the problem.”
“I think the grand jury did an excellent job,” Dariush Kayhan, head of the city’s homeless program said. “We got people into housing, but we acknowledge that it is now time to make the next step, moving on to jobs, treatment and schools.” The tough part, as always, is how to do that. The fact is, despite a supportive housing effort that has gotten national attention, the streets don’t seem that much better. And there doesn’t seem to be a standard of measurement for what the programs are trying to accomplish. “We can’t get the Board of Supervisors to pass a code of conduct for themselves,” said Randy Shaw, executive director of the Tenderloin Housing Clinic. “Let alone for the homeless.”
The UK Times Online reported that pubs and bars could be forced to offer smaller glass sizes under plans to tackle binge drinking being drawn up by ministers. Action against premises that offer the largest measures of wine and spirits as standard is one of the key elements of a package due to be announced this autumn.
A Whitehall source said: “We can’t force people to drink sensibly – but we can help them to understand how many units they are drinking, the harm they may be doing to themselves and make it easier to buy smaller drinks if they want to. The Government can’t do that alone. We need ‘buy-in’ from the industry and we need them to offer smaller glasses of wine or smaller spirit measures. It’s time for the industry to take more responsibility for the consequences of how they serve customers. Customers should not have to ask for a small glass.”
Professor Ian Gilmore, the President of the Royal College of Physicians, called on the drinks industry to take action on glass sizes. “People are aware of units, they want to stay within safe limits, but they are being pushed up way over those limits by just not realizing what they are drinking. The industry is being irresponsible and needs to put its house in order.”
Apparently some government officials think that citizens don’t actually make any decisions of their own and it’s up to officials to think for them. “You can’t expect an addict or binge drinker to know when to stop drinking or go to work everyday and pay taxes and buy their own homes,” said I.M. Godd, a U.S. government bureaucrat, whose taxpayer funded retirement plan and healthcare program guarantees him better benefits than seventy percent of the citizens paying for it. “That’s why it’s critical that we take more money from hard working Americans who seem to be addicted to employment and productivity. They’re odd balls and we need to harness that silly work ethic they’ve got, and make them pay for everything that normal folks want to have but won’t work for. Income redistribution is the new American way. Go ‘Bama go!”
In other news, the Bangor Daily reported Friday that a Maine fisherman used his fishing rod to hook and reel in a man who survived a jump from a bridge and was drowning in the Kennebec River.
Bob Greene of Hallowell says he heard what he thought was a cormorant making noise in the distance at 4:30 a.m. on Thursday as he was having his coffee and reading his newspaper. He says about 20 minutes passed before he realized there was a man bobbing down the river.
Greene says his first instinct was to jump in but a 911 dispatcher told him to throw something to the man. So he snagged the man’s shirt with a fishing lure and reeled him in. The man was in critical condition at Maine Medical Center in Portland. No word on why the man jumped to begin with, or whether Greene will have to fund the man’s housing or adjust the size of the drinking glasses he plans to use in the future; but if left leaning government officials have their way, the U.S. taxpayers will be on the hook again and it won’t be the result of the government saving us from drowning. It’ll be the other way around.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Barbie’s New Wardrobe: Fishnets, Leather Boots
Black Canary Barbie is inspired by a D.C. Comics superhero.
WTAM 1100
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Houston, TX (KTRH-AM) – The group Christian Voice says the new “Black Canary” Barbie is “filth”. The classic American’s doll’s latest outfit includes black fishnet leggings, leather boots, and a motorcycle jacket.
Hooker Barbie. New look for old profession.
However, pop culture expert Bob Thompson says Barbie’s always been a little racy.
“She came out in that one piece, horizontal, v-striped black and white thing, then she got a wedding outfit, and I think she had a neglige by 1959.”
Christian Voice concedes that Barbie has always been a little “tarty”, but Thomspon says Barbie is a follower, not a leader. “The dolls are following the kids, and the kids are getting the ideas from Britney, for awhile, and name whoever the current star is.”
Thompson says the Mattel toy’s fashion sense isn’t the only thing that has made waves. “It’s been quite some time now since Barbie dolls have been integrated, where you had Barbie dolls of different skin colors, so they’ve evolved in other ways besides simply their spicier outfits.”
Often, Thomspon says, the dolls aren’t bought by kids, anyway. “An awful lot of collectors of Barbie are older folks who used to play with them when they were kids.”
But Thomspon says Black Canary Barbie — which is coming out in September — isn’t for everyone… “I can certainly see how a lot of parents wouldn’t be terribly anxious to purchase this for their six year old.”
Black Canary Barbie is inspired by a D.C. Comics superhero.
wtam.com
Shrinking Sales, Margins Hurt Mattel
Barbie sales fell 6%
By DAVID BENOIT
Wall Street Journal
July 18, 2008
Mattel Inc. reported a 48% decrease in second-quarter net income as domestic sales continued to struggle and margins shrank.
But shares of the toy company jumped 12% to $20.48 as results topped expectations and on late Thursday’s ruling that could hand Mattel royalty payments of as much as $350 million for property infringement and help its struggling Barbie franchise.
In the first quarter, Mattel swung to its first quarterly loss in three years. But stronger international sales and improvements across most segments returned the toy maker to profitability. Barbie, Mattel’s flagship doll, continued to falter, but summer movie releases pushed up sales in multiple businesses.
Mattel posted second-quarter net income of $11.8 million, or three cents a share, down from $22.8 million, or 6 cents a share, a year earlier. Revenue rose 11% to $1.11 billion, with currency rates making up nearly half of the growth. The mean estimates for analysts, according to Thomson Reuters, were for earnings of 2 cents a share on revenue of $1.04 billion. Gross margin slipped to 43.9% from 44.4%.
Internationally, revenue increased 15% — with two-thirds of the gains the result of the weaker dollar, while sales in the slumping North American market grew by 3%.
Barbie sales fell 6%, while Fisher-Price had a 4% increase, the latter rebounding from a drop in the first quarter.
Sales for the Wheels category, which includes the Hot Wheels, Matchbox and Tyco R/C brands, jumped 32%, while the entertainment business, which includes games and puzzles, was up 14%.
American Girl Brands, Mattel’s expanding high-end doll unit, saw sales increase 10%.
On Thursday, Mattel might have finally caught the break it needed to offset the drop in Barbie sales, as a federal jury ruled that Mattel, not MGA Entertainment Inc., is the rightful owner of the $1 billion doll line Bratz. Mattel had alleged in a lawsuit that the doll’s designer, Carter Bryant, had created Bratz while employed by Mattel, and a jury awarded the company intellectual-property rights. A separate trial will begin next week for damages, but the ruling is a huge boost for Mattel, which views Bratz as Barbie’s biggest competitor. (See related article.)
A Friday note from Wachovia analysts said the jury could award damages for Bratz sales from 2001 until 2007 that could potentially add 75 cents a share in cash to Mattel. Wachovia “strongly” reiterated its outperform investment rating of the company’s stock and said any cash proceeds would likely go toward a stock buyback.
Looking forward, Mattel is hoping for more positive results related to toys from summer movie blockbusters including “Kung Fu Panda” and “Batman: The Dark Knight,” both of which helped sales last quarter. A soon-to-be-released Elmo Live toy is viewed as a coming savior for Fisher-Price, which had been struggling.
online.wsj.com
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