Obama, Pelosi, Clinton in Secret Kitten Club

> Powerful Kittenati Society Revealed
> Select group of powerful female politicos

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 23, 2009

Power poltics

Inebriated Reporters Special Investigation Team (IRSIT) has uncovered a secret society for “politico women” whose members include Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi as primary leaders.  After paying off and sleeping with a number of highly connected officials over a period of several months, members if IRSIT have declared that the Kittenati Society is real, well connected, and despite a seemingly irrational penchant for holding meetings in the nude, a basic underground society designed to wield power in politics and society.

“Hanna”

“It’s all about a new world order run by leftist women with a global outreach, secret knowledge about manipulation and exploitation of personal and corporate weakness, and a desire to ultimately hold public meetings in the nude,” said Hanna Playstation-Hydrolic, a well designed and powerful writer and part-time Hooters gal, who sometimes thinks like a video game but lifts weights like a cast iron machine.  “I had to sleep with several men and women to get this information and while I tend to be straight in my thinking and physical experimentation, the whole investigative process was kind of a rush.  Anyway, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are heading up the Kittenati Society, and when they have complete global control they’ll announce it at a press conference in the nude — which is the ultimate expression of power.”

Someone named Martha

Not everyone believes that the Kittenati Society exists or that leftist women want to wield power while not wearing clothing.  “The idea that Nancy Pelosi wants to rule the world naked is pretty crazy stuff, not the rule-the-world part, but her displaying saggy boobs to the masses and then trying to get them to do whatever she commands,” said Martha Laye-Mee, a cutting edge political analyst often confused with a porn star because of her last name.  “Michelle Obama is always running around sleeveless and kind of flaunts her body, so that kind of makes sense for her, and Hillary had that topless bust made of herself so I guess it fits her style.  Come to think of it, Pelosi is so arrogant that to make someone do her bidding while standing over them nude with her jugs at knee level would be a real power trip.  Maybe the Kittenati nudity angle isn’t so crazy after all.”

Insiders say some of the Kittenati activities include courses in world domination while wearing leather, how to exploit a male presidents sexual weakness so they’ll let you meet with government agencies that as first lady you normally couldn’t do, and how to cross your legs when meeting nude with other countries leaders so you only display the parts you want to.  Some connected officials say that consideration was made to allow Sarah Palin to join because she is attractive and politically connected, but she was excluded because her politics would have taken the group toward the conservative right. 

Sexual politics?

“Palin has a hot body and would have been able to control half of the world’s population on her own while governing in the nude, but she may have taken too much power from the left,” said a semi-clothed Kittenati member who refused to be identified, but who has lightening bolts tattooed around her left nipple and other  physical locations.  “The right is going to have to come up with their own secret society if they want to get conservative women running the world while going nude.  We leftists have our own thing going.”

The real puppet master

U.S. political organizations, White House officials and government agencies all deny that the Kittenati Society exists.  “The idea is beyond absurd,” said Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel.  “We only take our orders from George Soros. God help us if he decides to start issuing them in the nude.  I’m creeped out just thinking about it, and there’s not much that creeps me out.  Holy shit.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related documentation:

Secret society
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_society

Open Society Institute and Soros Foundations Network
http://www.soros.org/

Holy Shit! Obama Nails Queen Liz

> Michelle slaps Queen on Back
> Barack Nails Her Ass
> U.S. Surrenders to Russia

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 7, 2009

Moments before sling-shot incident

Inebriated reporters climbing out of a dumpster behind a British pub after a night of heavy investigative journalism, have reported that U.S. President Obama and Queen Elizabeth went at it “hot and heavy” the evening before the G-20 meeting.  Earlier in the day First Lady Michelle slapped the Queen on her back hard enough to loosen her bra, and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told reporters that Obama is willing to concede world power to peacenik Vladimir Putin and some old Soviets.  There has been some dispute over the Inebriated report.

Someone named Jane

“While there is some truth to the news that First Lady Michelle Obama slapped the Queen on her back causing her bra to slingshot across the room and out a side window, there is no truth to the story that the Queen and Barack had sexual intercourse in an effort to ‘firm up’ US-UK relations,” said Jane Fireside-Charcoal, a British public relations official and smoldering hot blonde.  “There have been reports by Royal sources of an internal nature suggesting a very cordial meeting held privately between the U.S. President and The Queen, but any suggestion that there were carnal activities of some nature is grossly misstated.  And comments related to blow jobs is strictly denied at the highest levels of government.”

Insiders claim otherwise.  “The removal of the Queens bra may have been accidental, but the ‘quality time’ that Barack spent with Liz involved more than a fire-side chat,” said Nasal Sinus-Stuart, of the Sinus-Stuart Clan and Handholding Enclave for Maidens and Hooligans.  “Servants said they heard a lot of moaning and groaning from behind the locked doors during the private meeting, and reports of chauffeurs outside hearing the Queen shout ‘they were right about you people, look at the size of that thing,’ tends to lend credence to the stories.  Now on the topic of American surrender to the Russians, I can’t say, such talk would be mere speculation.”

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Media reported last week that President Obama spent the day of April 1st in a whirlwind of activity in London prior to the official start of the G20 meeting.  He had dinner with G20 nations’ leaders, held a joint press conference with Prime Minister Gordon Brown, met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, met with Russian’s President, Dmitry Medvedev, met with Chinese President Hu Jintao as well as with David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party in Britain.  It took until this week for reports of secret meetings to reveal that Obama had negotiated a formal surrender to the Russians and banged the old Queen.

The Obama administration and British officials continue to deny the secret activities ever took place.

Beyonce

“Come on lets face it, Barack is busy surrendering to the Iranians not the Russians, and he can have a piece of Beyonce’ ass anytime he wants it, why screw with an old woman just because she’s queen,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, while chewing the side of his face and accidentally spitting blood on reporters.  “You people make me sick with all of your fake stories and stupid tabloid ‘revelations’.  The next thing you’re probably going to report is that Secret Service couldn’t find the Queens bra outside in the bushes when it shot out the window.  Well they didn’t.  MI5 found it. Ha!”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Some barely related source articles:

G20 Summit Eve: Obama met with Queen and Presidents of Russia, China
http://www.examiner.com/x-5890-Obama-Administration-Examiner~y2009m4d2-G20-Summit-Eve-Obama-met-with-Queen-and-Presidents-of-Russia-China

Michelle Obama Places Hand on The Queen. World Almost Ends.
http://www.nypress.com/blog-3807-michelle-obama-places-hand-on-the-queen-world-almost-ends.html

U.S.- Russian Nuclear Talks Reject Past Leaders’ Policies, Officials Say
http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20090402_2551.php

President Obama loves Beyonce, ‘SNL’
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/01/obama-beyonce-j.html

Beyonce ‘a model for Obama girls’
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5iQvlE9n67hnmRNIshQCd3dzhFceg

Obama’s Have Wild Night in Lincoln Bedroom

> New Leader starts “Hump Around the White House Tour”
> “Reflect on your life,” Abe Lincoln tells Barack

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2009

Michelle Obama

President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have been sleeping in a different room of the White House every night, with the goal of making-out in every one.  That’s the word from Inebriated Press tabloid reporter Inga Telouise-Frelove, who slipped a little cash to one of the White House staffers so they’d spill the beans.

“They’ve already made-out in the Oval Office and in the Bush’s old bedroom.  They’d been having a hell of a good time according to staffers, that is until they did the Lincoln Bedroom,” said Telouise-Frelove, reading from her notes and pausing to slam an occasional shot of Jack Daniels.  “They were going at it pretty heavy in the Lincoln Bedroom when Michelle let out a scream and shouted that Abraham Lincoln was standing beside the bed.  At first Barack thought she was having a fantasy about making out with Lincoln like she did Teddy Roosevelt earlier in the week, and kept banging away, but when she threw him into a pole lamp and his dick got caught in the fixture he realized something else was going on.  I only know all this is true because the staffer who told me all this is in charge of in-house spying and bedroom-bugging.”

Someone named Inga

According to Telouise-Frelove the White House staffer said that several Obama aids ran to the locked bedroom after Michelle started screaming, and heard Barack yell out “what do you want, you crazy black -hat -wearing bastard, and why are you staring at my wife’s tits?”  Staffers say they heard another man’s voice say, “Reflect on your life Obama. If I’d known the first black president in the White House would be a Socialist, I’d have thought twice about emancipation, and might not have gotten my brains blown out by that damn actor.  You’d better start fighting for individual freedom and less government, not more taxes and less liberty, you dumb shit.”

Not everyone thinks Lincoln appeared to the Obama’s or spoke to them.  “Lincoln is dead and buried, along with his ideals and common sense.  They no longer have a place in the White House, or the Federal Government for that matter,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff and all around low-life son-of-a-bitch (or so we’ve heard).  “Fairness, equality and liberty, opportunity to develop oneself from personal initiative, these are all hateful concepts of oppression foisted upon the common man by conservatives and Republicans who fail to understand the beauty of central power and income redistribution.  Barack has no reason to reflect on his life, I’ll continue to help him define it as we go.  There’s serious shit to do here, and there’s no place for ghosts or a president who starts doubting himself and has his dick caught in the furniture.”

Lincoln Bedroom

The Obama’s have both denied that the Lincoln Bedroom saga ever happened or that they are on a “Hump Around the White House Tour”.  Speaking outdoors at the Obama Organic Garden yesterday, Michelle said she and Barack are respectful of the White House and have enjoyed exploring it, but do not engage in lewd behavior there.  “Besides,” she said, “until Baracks’ dick heals we’re pretty much just watching American Idol reruns at night.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Obama and Clinton Found in Love Nest

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 30, 2008

Stunned political pundits say president-elect Barack Obama and future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were discovered shacked-up at an Arkansas resort, while former president Bill Clinton and first-lady-to-be Michelle Obama expressed disbelief from a Hooters in Chicago.  Inebriated reporters hiding in dumpsters and behind ice sculptures have the story.

“I saw Hillary and Barack ice-skating together at an Arkansas resort and later disappear into a cabin with a pile of logs for a fire, and after I paid a local citizen who keeps recordings of wire-taps on all the cabins, I was given the story of the heated action that went on inside,” said Inebriated reporter Dank Apartment, a writer by trade and drinker out of habit.  “They had an emotional love-hate sexual-repressive relationship during the primaries.  Back then Barack said Hillary didn’t know shit about foreign policy and did nothing but have tea with foreign leaders’ wives; but now he’s named her to the top foreign policy position in the country and says she’s the nations top foreign policy expert.  It was just the sexual tension that brought out the conflicting statements, and now they’re working out that tension and are a lot more relaxed with each other.”

Not everyone thinks it was Obama or Clinton. “I don’t think for one moment that Michelle and Bill were together at a Hooters in Chicago, there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t really them,” said Democrat operative James Carvell, rubbing his head with bowling ball polish and yipping like a dog.  “Anyone who says it was is full of shit.  What did you say?  Barack and Hillary were naked together in a cabin?  I don’t know nothing, leave me alone.”

In related news, Obama continues to say that all the statements he made during the primaries that conflict with what he’s doing now shouldn’t be seen as either lies or a change of positions.  “It was all preliminary stuff and you say whatever you need-to in order to get elected,” Obama reportedly said, while smoking a Marlboro he later claimed was a cheese stick.  “It’s not like politicians tell the truth or anything.  People know better than that.  We do whatever we want to, because we can.  Bill Clinton taught us that.  Now Hillary and I are revisiting it.  Why look so surprised?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Holy Cow! Michelle Obama Starred Nude in Stag Film with Babes

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 13, 2008

Gratuitous Photo of Babes

Inebriated investigative reporters hiding in the trunks of cars, behind trees and inhabiting old film libraries like dust mites, have discovered a movie never seen in U.S. of first-lady in-waiting Michelle Obama, staring in a German stag film.  “Hoochie Fraulein!” is reportedly a forty-five minute flick in which Michelle dances, rebuilds a BMW engine, and then has wild sex with a cast of dozens of hot babe and stud mechanics.  Some film critics claim it’s not the new first lady, but other analysts who study human form and motion, say it’s the wife of The One, no doubt about it.

German Stag Film

“The way the Fraulein pulled the pistons out of that BMW and then jumped the mechanic with a smooth muscular motion, displays the same style of physical action that I’ve seen Michelle make when pulling the lungs out of a passing Republican and then getting it on with her worshipers,” said a high level investigative reporter, who refused to be indentified lest he die a thousand deaths through liberal torture of an undefined nature.  “The lanky movements and swing of the hips which knocked a BMW engine off the workbench twice in the film is clearly Michelle’s signature.  And the other stuff that you see when you see what you see makes me believe that it was that gal doing her thang alright.  Don’t know what Barack was up to during Michelle’s movie years in Germany, but I bet he likes the moves she’s got just fine.  Wowsers!”

Not everyone believes the unnamed unidentified reporters and analysts making crazy talk about Michelle.  “Michelle Obama is an elitist who graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School, she would never sell herself to the Germans for sex flicks, besides that, she worked on marketing at Sidley Austin, so you know that she’d have positioned herself in French stag films because they sell better,” said Gene Italwarts, an out of work hair dresser, who thinks Barack’s income redistribution plans are better than cats pajamas and men’s underwear.  “Everyone knows that Michelle is the best Hula-Hooper around and can even drop to her knees while hooping, so it’s a gimmie that she’d be Hula-Hooping in French stag films and not rebuilding German engines in one of their flicks.  I mean really.  Use some common sense here.”

Michelle Obama

According to Wikipedia, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is an American attorney and the wife of Barack Obama, who is the President-elect of the United States and Senator from Illinois. She will be the first African-American to become the First Lady of the United States. She was born and grew up on the South Side of Chicago and graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School. At Princeton, she challenged the teaching methodology for French because she felt that it should be more conversational. After completing her formal education, she returned to Chicago and accepted a position with the law firm Sidley Austin. At the firm, she worked on marketing and intellectual property. Michelle Obama as well as her daughters are said to be avid hula hoopers. Barack Obama told People Magazine that one of his wife’s secret talents is that she can really hoop. “She is the best Hula-Hooper I know. Once she gets the rhythm going, she can drop to her knees!”

Some people say that everything in life can be done better when you’re on your knees.

BMW Engine

“I’ve done some pretty wild shit when I’ve been down on my hands and knees and that’s true whether I was coming or going, Hula-Hooping or changing out engine parts,” said Helga Hildebrand, a statuesque blonde German woman widely known for everything.  “You can say what you want about Michelle, but when she gets out the leather, the Hula-Hoops and the whips and chains, she can fix any car engine and rebuild most men’s Bikes from the ground up.  She takes no shit from anyone and will be as close to a Dominatrix First Lady as we’ve had since Hillary Clinton started carrying Bill’s balls in her purse after the Lewinski affair.  Damn straight.”

Statuesque Blonde

 In other news, president elect Barack Obama currently carries a Hindu money god in his pocket.  According to an article in The Times of India, the idol did the trick: “It was the magic of Pawanputra Hanuman that did it all,” asserts a convinced Brij Mohan Bhama a member of All India Congress Committee (AICC), and a devoted Obama fan. “It is the triumph of Lord Hanuman on the soils of America,” he declares, and nothing can shake his belief-in Obama or Hanuman’s blessings. No word on whether Barack or the monkey god will make an appearance in the upcoming underground flick: “First Babe Michelle Does Hopes and Chains.” Coming soon to a secret location near you.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Michelle Obama: “Let them eat lobster.”

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