Daily Archives: August 20, 2007

Amish Resist Efforts to Tag and Track Them

US Fish and Wildlife records Amish weight gain, migration patterns

Inebriated Press
August 20, 2007

Pennsylvania Amish have begun kicking, squirming and actively resisting efforts by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (Fish & Wildlife) to net, tag and track them.  They say that having their migration patterns traced is illegal and a huge annoyance.  Fish & Wildlife says that it works hard every year to conserve, protect and enhance America’s natural resources including wildlife, endangered species and the Amish.  They say the Amish have it all wrong. 

“Our goal is to protect the health and long term viability of the wild Amish in our country,” said Dale Hall, director of Fish & Wildlife.  “In the 1800’s Fish & Wildlife began tagging and tracking the migratory patterns and health of fish, wild foul and buffalo herds.  In recent years we’ve been using new Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) tags to track the migratory patterns and environmental impact of the fish and the Amish.  Only occasionally do we conduct physical evaluation using anal probes.  It’s for their own good.”

The Amish don’t see it that way.  “We just want to be left alone,” said Yosef Bothermee hiding his face so our camera couldn’t steal his soul.  “I was caught, tagged and then weighed and measured last week when I was getting my mail.  The first time it happened was twelve years ago, now these Fish Service guys catch me on my driveway a couple times every year.  And they’ve been sticking this rectal probing thing in me.  Sometimes they take me up into their space ship.  All I’ve been trying to do is get my newspaper, Men in Black.”

Fish & Wildlife officials say that their work is making a positive impact on the lives of the Amish and it’s important that it continues.
“Since we started monitoring the Amish we’ve been able to encourage them to do less inbreeding and eat more protein,” said Fish & Wildlife nutritionist and healthcare consultant Susan “Sissie” Blankton.  “Our surveys are showing improved weight and size gains and their migratory patterns indicate increased expansion to western states.  These are good things.  I know that they disapprove of our spying on them during mating rituals and the actual mating process, but with our occasional help they’ve been performing adequately and their numbers have been increasing.”

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) agrees with the Fish and Wildlife Service.  “It’s not enough to be left alone when Amish lesbians and incompetent Amish heterosexual men are wandering in the fields or washing clothes,” said ACLU President Nadine Strossen.  “In addition to tracking migratory patterns and the trap-and-release plan there should be a reeducation process.  The Amish must break free from their self hindering lifestyle so they can join enlightened society and actively protest the U.S. treatment of Islamofascist combatants.”

Migrating Amish have recently been connected to Area 51 a location in the Nevada desert long associated with US military secrets and aliens.  “We’ve noticed that some of the Amish have headed west and I think that their secret ways are masking an alien population that actually started in Nevada and made its way to Pennsylvania,” said Wolf Scully, director of Fish & Wildlife’s secret Z-Files division.  “We think some are headed back to Area 51 and may be planning to take over earth any minute now.”

The Amish won’t admit to any world conquering scheme.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Noah Ideah an Amish dirt repair man from Lancaster Pennsylvania.  “We want to grow crops and raise our families.  We think it’s the Fish & Wildlife people with rectal probes who are pretty darn alien.  And that’s embarrassingly strong language coming from me.”

In other news the General Accounting Office (GAO) has begun an investigation into the use of government funds to purchase plutonium by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Department.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Dead Illegal Immigrants Dug Up, Shipped to Mexico

New no-tolerance rules take hold

Inebriated Press
August 20, 2007

Night after night Al “Cob” Korn digs up illegal immigrants buried in the local Cocrete County Cemetery, stuffs them in old seed corn sacks and ships them to Mexico’s National Institute for Migration.  There are some cities in the U.S. that house and protect illegal immigrants and are proud to be referred to as a “Sanctuary City”.  Cocrete Nebraska isn’t one of them.  Disgusted Nebraskans are cracking down on all illegal immigrants including the dead ones.

“These people are lazy and shiftless and illegal and now they want to sleep in our dirt,” Korn told the press while attending an Anti-Mexican National Union of Town Stewards (AMNUTS) meeting. “It’s bad enough that these illegal Mexicans get free food from our food pantries and free health care from our clinics.  Now they’re taking over the cemeteries too.  I’m sending these buggers back to where they came from.  Let the Mexicans bury them in their own ground.  They can’t have mine.”

AMNUTS says that American’s don’t care enough for their pets yet give benefits “hand over fist” to illegal Mexican’s and its time to change that.  Their new program called Dig Up a Mexican and Ship Him International Transit (DUMSHIT) is designed to both educate the public as well as cut back on cemetery demand. 

“The DUMSHIT program returns those dumb shits who shouldn’t have come here in the first place,” said AMNUTS executive director Hadly E. Nuff.  “We can’t have these illegal’s taking over the cemeteries no matter how fast they die or how much it costs to pack’em in bags and send them back.”

Not everyone agrees with the crack down.  “These silly ill-tempered anti-tolerant bigots are evil and should be maimed or killed,” said Louis Farrakhan leader of the Nation of Islam, a group well known for its tolerance and compassion.  “All people should be free, especially supporters of the Nation of Islam who have been oppressed by the white elitists and the rich and powerful who act as slave masters.  What did you say?  Oh these are Mexicans. Never mind.”

Korn, of Romanian decent, says that Mexicans don’t have the scruples that Romanians do and that galls him.  “Shit, even Dracula used to haul his own dirt around with him when he traveled to other countries.  These Mexican’s won’t do that, they want our dirt.  Well they don’t get to have it on my watch.  Into the seed corn sack they go and back home.”

In other news, the anti-American group Mexicans Against U.S. Hand-Outs is holding their annual picnic this Thursday at Sanchez Park in Omaha.  Both picnic tables have been reserved again like last year.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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