Inebriated Press Ponders Future

‘Editor’ Drives IP One Complete Calendar Year
Likes Silliness and Occasional Rant, Finds Daily Production Tough Sledding
Ponders a Break and Maybe ’Retirement’

Readers who want to weigh in on Inebriated Press’ future are encouraged to drop a note to: ipress@chiblitz.com.

Inebriated Press
July 8, 2008

“What started as a lark has turned into work and even though InebriatedPress.com (IP) is getting several thousand hits a month, I’m not sure I’m up for another year,” thought the ‘Editor’ to himself, as he sat writing this and wondering what some of the busty imaginary IP interviewees would really look like if they became flesh somehow.  “A year ago I was churning out two articles a day plus some toons and fake ad’s for weekends, but  I faded and started doing one article per week-day and a couple pictures with smart aleck comments for the weekends.  Now I may slow to a couple articles a week or stop production altogether, I’m not sure.  I’ll ask the readers what they think.”

The unnamed and somewhat secretive “Editor” who has created and posted all of the InebriatedPress.com material, maintains both a full time and part-time job in addition to the IP writing.  Living someplace in North America he occasionally reflects on stuff he sees going on and likes to juxtapose news items into single articles.  Usually they’re just for fun but occasionally they become ‘rants’ as he gets stuff off his chest.  Reoccurring themes that have appeared in the material include: individual freedom, Islamofascists, politicians, personal responsibility and social trends.  All pieces contain fictional characters and some articles have real ones.  The ‘news’ is sometimes fact and sometimes fiction – occasionally all fiction, like “Nude pic’s of Hillary Clinton online,” the IP article with the top number of hits.  The stories are typically laced with sexual innuendos, but not always.

“Inebriated Press helped me become creative again in a silly way and let me do something just for fun.  I can’t talk or act in the real world the way I can in Inebriated Press, so it’s provided an enjoyable break from reality.  I’m torn between keeping it going, cutting back or just stopping.  Looking back at some of the pieces I produced, I know some are junk, but others are pretty funny and occasionally thought provoking.  But it’s not like its important stuff.  I just whip out whatever comes to mind.  It’s really all just in fun,” said the Editor, repressing an urge to remark on the female anatomy, something he finds amazing in both physical and metaphysical ways.  “I never opened the comments section on Word Press because I just don’t have the time to manage them.  It would have been fun too, if I’d had the time.  For now, I’m taking a break.  I’ll think it over and decide if I want to produce IP material again.  I wish the readers the best of all things good, and invite them to email me with their thoughts on the future of Inebriated Press, if they want.  And of course, as always, smoke’m if you got’em.”

ipress@chiblitz.com

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Karaoke Corrupts Chinese Soldiers while Utah Frees ‘Wedgie’ Killer

Discipline breaking down all over the world
Accountability, just like the economy, is slipping away

Inebriated Press
July 7, 2008

The UK Telegraph reported earlier this year that Chinese soldiers are being ‘corrupted by karaoke and saunas’ which are affecting their ‘mental stability’. And The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the Utah Supreme Court tossed out the conviction and 16 year sentence of ‘wedgie’ killer Erik Kurtis Low. Some pundits say the U.S. justice system and Chinese military have deteriorated so much that Barack Obama has started looking like a conservative warmonger.

“Communists are kicking back in saunas and singing ballads and crazy shit and capitalists are turning loose killers because they think a wedgie causes so much emotional distress that murder is justified. Only Barack Obama and his anti-American Pentagon bomber-buddy and Pastor can ride a world like this one and not fall off. You got to be way out there,” said Zesty Creem-Kornn, an undercover political analyst who like Bill Clinton, does some of his most intense work between the sheets. “John McCain likes America too much and has way too much respect for common sense to understand the world we live in. He wants a decent balanced country and that’s not going to happen anymore. We may as well put Obama in the White House and get this socialist -pacifist party on the road before the Chinese beat us to it.”

Not all observers think Creem-Kornn goes with the current mix of global salad. “The Chinese are all liars and if they’re saying their soldiers are struggling with ‘mental stability’ that’s just a way of telling us that they’re going to do something berserk any minute now,” said Shadei Karacter, a clandestine welfare worker who moonlights as a CIA operative but doesn’t let on. “The Chinese are up to something. But the U.S. is right out there with our backsliding justice system barely approving our Constitutional right to bear arms by a 5-4 vote, and then Utah turns a killer loose because he got a wedgie. The Chinese are faking it, but we’re actually sliding down the river toward neverland. McCain’s not got a lot going for him but he’s seen what the communists do, and has a few billion dollars less in social programs than Obama plans to fund with my money. America’s slide to the left and toward socialism won’t be stopped regardless of which candidate we elect, but it’ll move slower with McCain and like lightening with Obama. Still, some folks think electricity is fun to play with.”

The Telegraph reported that the morals of atheist Chinese soldiers are being corrupted by the plethora of saunas, karaoke bars and dance halls that have sprung up around their remote base, an officer has complained. The officer, who gave his name as Li Xianghui, said that his troops were being bewitched by the “luscious voices” emanating from clubs at Dandong, located on the sensitive border with North Korea. In a letter to the top Communist Party mouthpiece, the People’s Daily, Li said the base was built in a remote location to avoid distraction and that the “illegal entertainment venues” were affecting the “mental stability” of his troops. “Having entertainment venues around the base affects the mental stability of the troops, and causes huge management problems,” he said, without elaborating. “I hope related authorities take steps to deal with the illegal entertainment venues to create a healthy training environment for the base so that the soldiers can concentrate fully,” the officer added.

The Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Utah Supreme Court threw out the manslaughter conviction of Erik Kurtis Low, who killed a Park City man after the victim gave him a “wedgie.” In reversing the conviction, the high court ruled the trial judge shouldn’t have granted a prosecution request to instruct jurors they could convict Low on the lesser offense of extreme emotional distress manslaughter. The justices also ruled prosecutors are barred from retrying Low for murder, extreme emotional distress manslaughter, or imperfect self-defense manslaughter. The state could retry Low for other forms of manslaughter or lesser offenses. Jurors acquitted Low of first-degree murder but convicted him of manslaughter. He was sentenced by Judge Bruce Lubeck to up to 16 years in prison. Low, now 40, claimed in his 2005 trial he was defending himself when he shot 38-year-old Michael Jon Hirschey following a night of drinking, drug use and horseplay. Some people say that killing someone during a wild night is part of the natural order of things and should be overlooked.

“You can’t hold people accountable for killings that take place when they’re drugged up and out on the town, it puts a damper on everything and what fun is that,” asked Stacy String-Beane, a slender raven haired beauty known for doing anything for money and a lot of stuff for free. “An open society has to let people off who kill from wedgie discomfort or just accidentally during rough sex. You can’t punish accidental death even when you’re walking the line with disaster and oblivion. To make life exciting you have to engage in risky behavior and get the rush that only comes with living on the edge. And if that means I screw a Senator, or a president stains a blue dress, or Ahmadinejad blows up Israel or some such shit, so be it. It’ll be one wild ride and a rush that no one will ever forget. I’ve got goose pimples the size of nipples crawling up my spine just thinking about it. I’m a risk taker so I’m voting for Obama. Damn straight.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on July 1 that California’s death penalty process is ‘dysfunctional.’ A panel found that the time from sentencing to execution is twice the national average. A state commission says delays undermine the system and recommends more sentences of life without parole instead. The report did not advocate abolishing the death penalty but did note that California could save more than $100 million a year if the state replaced the punishment with sentences of life in prison without possibility of parole. No word on how much money they’d save by hanging killers at dawn the day after being found guilty, but that kind of silly common sense would probably get in the way of a good time and result in the loss of fees for lawyers and commissions who are paid to argue about this stuff.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

The Vodka for Serious Drinkers

Bill Clinton Gets Philosophical

Tech Trouble for Christie Brinkley and Cell Users

Christie’s hubby does web porn and assistant
New laws that regulate cell phone use while driving take effect

Inebriated Press
July 4, 2008

ABC News reported yesterday that Christie Brinkley’s divorce trial opened with barrage of sordid details including her husband spending $3,000 a month on Internet porn and having oral sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend. And Business Week reported Wednesday that consumers up and down the West Coast are snapping up headsets that let them talk on cell phones while driving—and stay in compliance with a law that took effect in California and Washington state on July 1. Debate over law, relationships and technology are rattling around like old fashioned pin ball machines in a time long long ago.

“Technology has become the bane of existence as it intrudes on relationships by providing pornography of all kinds 24-7, and no human being can keep up with that kind of action or manage it,” said Snuffy McGee, a professional bystander constantly fighting cold symptoms. “Add car cell phone use on top of it, with drivers careening around and running over innocent pedestrians and into other cars, and you’ve got technology that is not only distracting, it’s dominating the human thought process and killing relationships and people. It’s time to shut off technology and go back to communicating with soup cans and kite string.”

Not everyone agrees with McGee. “Technology has enhanced our lives and added both richness and freedom,” said Missy Mae-Quadriceps, a muscular brunette with red roots and silicon enhancement that stretches her blouse from here to there. “We can travel faster and safer, communicate more quickly and easily with each other, cook easier with microwaves, and look better having used weight machines and cosmetic surgery; and there’s a host of other good things, like Internet banking, air conditioning and pay-per-view. What’s not to like about technology? Any problems related to them are all about self control and not the machinery. Guys can barely keep their hands off my chest because of the silicon. Is that the silicon’s fault or a self control issue for the guy? See, it’s all about self control. Tech is good.”

ABC News reported that Christie Brinkley’s divorce trial opened and both sides — the spurned supermodel and the admitted adulterer husband, Peter Cook — came to the Long Island, N.Y., courtroom armed for battle. An all-star lineup of witnesses — Cook, his alleged teenage mistress and Brinkley’s daughter with Billy Joel — all unloaded a torrent of torrid tales, including Cook’s tearful admission that he enjoyed oral sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend (whose silence he allegedly bought with a $300,000 confidentiality agreement) and his fondness for masturbating via webcam for an Internet audience.

Brinkley’s lawyer, Robert Stephan Cohen, portrayed Brinkley as a hardworking full-time mom whose “knight in shining armor” turned into a debauched devil by cheating on her with a teenager and spending up to $3,000 a month on Internet porn. Cook’s lawyer, Norman Sheresky, painted Brinkley as a wife blinded with rage at her husband’s cheating (comparing him to famed adulterers Eliot Spitzer, Jim McGreevey and Bill Clinton) and a lazy mother who slept late while Cook woke their children and got them dressed for school. As she left the courthouse, Brinkley declined to comment to reporters, explaining “It’s been a really long day. I heard a lot of things I didn’t know.”

Business Week reported that penalties for driving while talking on a cell phone are spiking retail sales of Bluetooth headsets from Plantronics and others. Consumers on the West Coast are buying headsets like crazy so they can talk on cell phones while driving and comply with new laws in effect in California and Washington. Demand for hands-free headsets has been so robust that the Verizon Wireless store in San Mateo, Calif., added a whole new section for the devices, says store manager Aari Jethmal. California and Washington follow New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Washington, D.C., in banning handheld cell phones while driving. Demand tends to spike in the two weeks before and after a law takes effect, says Carl Derry, a spokesman for GN Netcom. “Some people are really proactive about going out and buying,” Derry says. “But others won’t until they get a ticket.” California’s law stipulates a $20 fine for the first offense and $50 for each offense thereafter. No points are added to the driver’s record. Washington’s law makes a handheld cell phone a secondary offense, meaning drivers can only be cited if they’re pulled over for another violation. Some pundits say that there should be no penalties for technology users.

“The global economy is increasingly driven by technology and with the economic slowdown that is already occurring, we can’t afford to lean on individuals who are stimulating themselves and global economics by using technology,” said Misty Morning-Kwikwon, an economist with her breasts heaving and moist with perspiration. “Technology is the mother’s milk of the new economy and the less regulation the better. We need to free ourselves of old mores and wiring and grab hold of new advancements in silicon and wireless tech. The future can be one of greater freedom and independence. The fourth of July is a good day to commit to that vision. Now let’s drop these rules against tech, kill some Islamofascist backward bastards and turn the global economy loose!”

In other news, the Springfield Illinois State-Journal-Register reported that a tractor-trailer loaded with butter caught fire in the southbound lanes of Interstate 55 near the Toronto Road exit about 4:50 p.m. Tuesday. Police believe the truck’s brakes overheated, sparking the fire that destroyed nearly the entire trailer it was pulling. No word on whether advancements in fire-retardant butter are on the way, but reportedly Christie Brinkley is sticking with margarine.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

US Government to Fund Religion; Brothels Fund Truckers

Separation of church and state in reverse
Transportation and whorehouses tie up

Inebriated Press
July 3, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that presidential hopeful Barack Obama plans to expand social services and government involvement through churches and religious organizations. Criticizing President Bush about his weak attempt to get government more involved in religion, Obama pledged to do more. Meanwhile the Denver Channel reported that high fuel prices are hurting the brothel business and some Nevada joints are offering gas cards and other promotions to encourage business. Also New Zealand’s STUFF reported that a European budget air carrier CEO is suggesting that business class passengers receive free oral sex on flights. The debate over government’s involvement in religion and the sex trade’s involvement in transportation is heating up.

“Thomas Jefferson’s comments about the separation of church and state were designed to keep the state from involvement in churches out of fear that a state religion would be established. Many European immigrants came to America fleeing religious persecution and wanted to worship as they pleased without government imposing it’s will on them,” said Faith Healer-Terrier, a gorgeous and well maintained healthcare care professional who occasionally admits a weakness for god and guns. “America’s founders didn’t want religious people or Christian-Judeo principles out of government; they wanted government out of religion. Today we’re on a path taking us the opposite direction. The Ten Commandments and fundamental moral philosophy our nation was built on is being driven out of public places while the government is planning financial support to religion. Remember how the federal government treats states by threatening to pull highway funds when the states don’t do what the fed’s want? We’re on that path with religion today. Just the thing Jefferson didn’t want. And we’re abandoning morality in public office. We’re upside down.”

Not everyone agrees with Healer-Terrier’s views. “The federal government always improves everything it funds and regulates, that’s why it’s important that it provides money and control to religions in America,” said Misty Masters-Heretic, a perky blonde bigger-is-better advocate, who thinks government and sex both improve with increased volume and scale. “With government funds and controls we’ll eventually establish a balanced level of tolerance for all faiths from Muslims to Christians to Jews, Wicca, The Church of Satan, Unitarians, Atheists, Agnostics, the Haitian Occult, NASCAR and others. In fact some type of affirmative action should be established so all faiths are equal to each other and none have precedence. We may have to bus some people from city to city to attend legally prescribed worship. And as far as the sex trade’s involvement in transportation goes, hey, I’ve had sex take me places. Sound’s like a good fit to me.”

The New York Times reported that Senator Barack Obama said Tuesday that if elected president he would expand the delivery of social services through churches and other religious organizations, vowing to achieve a goal he said President Bush had fallen short on during his two terms. Some Democrats have previously backed similar efforts, but Mr. Bush’s version, a centerpiece of his first-term agenda, has been a lightning rod for criticism from those concerned about the separation of church and state and those who argued that Mr. Bush had used it to further a conservative political agenda.

Mr. Obama’s plan pointedly departs from the Bush administration’s stance on one fundamental issue: whether religious organizations that get federal money for social services can take faith into account in their hiring. Mr. Bush has said yes. Mr. Obama said no. “If you get a federal grant, you can’t use that grant money to proselytize to the people you help and you can’t discriminate against them — or against the people you hire — on the basis of their religion,” Mr. Obama said. “Federal dollars that go directly to churches, temples and mosques can only be used on secular programs.” Mr. Obama’s position that religious organizations would not be able to consider religion in their hiring for such programs would constitute a deal-breaker for many evangelicals, said several evangelical leaders, who represent a political constituency Mr. Obama has been trying to court. Mr. Obama’s plan — his campaign said it would be the “moral center” of his administration — was unfurled against a backdrop freighted with electoral ramifications.

The Denver Channel reported that rising fuel prices are putting a pinch on the world’s oldest profession. Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said. Of Nevada’s 28 legal brothels, 16 are located in rural areas that are being hurt by truckers’ higher diesel costs. In response to a 5 percent drop in business, the Shady Lady Ranch along U.S. 95 about 150 miles north of Las Vegas plans to offer $50 gas cards to clients who spend $300, and $100 gas cards to those who spend $500. The brothel also offers special monthly discounts, including an offer of 45 minutes of services for $175 instead of the usual rate of $200. Hardest hit are independent truckers, who must pay for their own fuel, said George Flint, a lobbyist for the brothel owners’ association.

STUFF reported that European budget carrier Ryanair has taken its cheeky reputation to new levels, with chief executive officer Michael O’Leary suggesting business class passengers would receive free oral sex on flights. Explaining that Ryanair’s long-haul flights would feature a business class that went against Ryanair’s typical low-budget ethos, O’Leary remarked that “in economy it will be very cheap fares, say 10 Euros, and in business class it will be bed and blowjobs”. While O’Leary’s remark was obviously a joke, he repeated the controversial comment and wanted it translated for the journalists. “In business class,” he said, “it will all be free - including the blowjobs.” He then asked the translator the German word for oral sex. After being told there wasn’t one, he remarked “terrible sex life in Germany”.

In related news, Inebriated political analysts are projecting that Barack Obama will soon propose government funding for the National Rifle Association (NRA). As Obama reaches out to religious groups with government funding, pundits feel he also needs to reach out to Americans who like weapons. “That crack Obama made to rich left-wing campaign donors in San Francisco about rural Americans clinging to god and guns because they don’t have brains enough for anything else, seems to have hurt him among folks who like god and guns,” said Inebriated reporter Happy Chance, a full-bodied part-time writer and stripper who often does both simultaneously. “That’s why he wants to pimp the god folks. Soon he’ll offer government money to the NRA so he can pimp the gun crowd. He’s trying to use money to buy the guns and god people. I guess it’s working for whorehouses in Nevada luring truckers, so why wouldn’t it help Obama get the votes he needs? Money, sex and politics go together like blue dresses, Chinese money and the Oval Office. Bill Clinton taught us that.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Patriot Obama and Sex Store Spinning

Packaging is reality, never mind the silicone

Inebriated Press
July 2, 2008

Reuters reported Monday that U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama is ramping up a defense of his patriotism to coincide with Independence Day, and the Baltimore Sun reported that an adult video store is redefining itself as a book store in order to dodge attempts to close it. Children and adults ponder the honesty of words and actions that attempt to reposition candidates and video stores as something other than what they’ve always been.

“It seems a bit disingenuous for a store billing itself as an adult store offering videos, lingerie and sex toys to now call itself a bookstore since they’ve added a few used books,” said Raquel Welch-Facsimile, a hot blooded actress look-alike who pretends she’s someone other than she is, but is open about it. “And it seems a bit disingenuous that a candidate who wants to change America and hangs with an anti-American preacher for 20 years, and has a Pentagon bomber as a good friend, and a convicted Chicago racketeer as a pal and business associate, now claims to be a long time American patriot and says anyone questioning his patriotism is a 1960’s era ethnic-hater throwback. The guy wears turbans but not U.S. flag pins for crying out loud. I believe Obama is into patriotism the way the adult video store is into literature.”

Not everyone sees it the way Welch-Facsimile does. “You can’t say that Obama isn’t a patriot or that the video shack isn’t a book store, because they both have the right to define themselves and not be defined by others,” said George Stephanopoulos-Wannabee, a balanced political reporter who only slants stories based on ideology. “If this legitimate book store wants to bill itself as a sex paraphernalia shop it should be allowed to do that and its wishes should be respected by the city. If Barack Obama wants to bill himself as an American patriot like Abraham Lincoln, all the voters should accept that and give him the same respect as Lincoln because by golly, that’s what he wants and as a progressive leftist Democrat, that’s what he should be afforded. People have to get over the idea that a persons past actions have relevance to future ones. Obama’s only a one-term U.S. Senator so you can’t really bring up negative stuff he’s done because his past is vacant. And his personal life should really be off-limits so forget his pastor, the Pentagon bomber and the racketeer buddy. They’re not important.”

Reuters reported that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama kicked off the week leading up to the July 4 Independence Day celebration with a broad-ranging speech extolling American virtues. He said questions about his patriotism were a poisonous remnant of the 1960s culture wars. In a clear sign the patriotism issue is a worry for the campaign, Obama said in a speech at the Harry Truman presidential library in Missouri that he would not sit back and watch his love of country questioned by political rivals. Obama has battled persistent criticism about his failure to wear a flag pin on his lapel, viewed as a symbol of patriotism for some U.S. politicians. He often wears one now. He also has been the target of Internet rumors about his willingness to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and his wife, Michelle, has been criticized for a remark she said was taken out of context about feeling proud of her country.

The Baltimore Sun reported that the Pack Shack on U.S. 40 in Ellicott City has added used books to its merchandise in an effort to avoid being classified as an adult store. The county has long fought to close the store, which sells adult videos, lingerie and sex toys. For 11 years, Howard County officials and some residents have fought to close the jurisdiction’s only adult bookstore. They’ve passed legislation and waged costly legal battles, only to be thwarted time and again. And now, despite a county law designed to force the Ellicott City store to move away from nearby homes or close, the Pack Shack appears poised to prevail again - maintaining its “Adult Video” sign along a busy stretch of U.S. 40, along with shelves of explicit movies, skimpy lingerie and sex toys. The key to the store’s reconfiguration lies in the basement. By storing stacks of ordinary used paperback books and other items there and along the first-floor entrance, the 24-hours-a-day operation does not qualify as an adult bookstore under county zoning law. According to a recent poll of middle school kids, spin is as effective as reality and a lot more fun.

“I always say I’m studying when I have the TV on and that my health class grades are higher ever since I started studying anatomy in Penthouse magazine,” said Tommy Rae-Gunn, a twelve-year-old student in Florida currently having his third affair with a teacher. “We all say stuff we want people to believe so they like us better and so our folks let us do what we want. It doesn’t matter if you’re a twelve year old kid banging 26 year old teachers or a guy who says he loves America and can’t wait to change it, or porn shops storing old books nobody reads. You do what you want if you can. Bill Clinton is my idol. When he said he screwed White House interns because he could, that did it for me. Lucky I go to school in Florida where the teachers are easy. I’ll be president someday. My grades aren’t too good but I’ve got the sex thing and bait and switch stuff down and that’s what really counts.”

In other news, the UK Sun reported that Sheyla Hershey, 28, is planning her ninth boob job to take her to a GG cup, but can’t find any surgeons in the U.S. to carry out the operation. Hershey is already a 34FFF and has a place in the record books due to her size. She carries more than two litres of silicone in her implants and has had eight ops in five years. Sheyla, who lives in Texas, and is married to an American, plans to fly back to her native Brazil to get the op done. She cannot get them enlarged in the U.S. because there are laws which limit the amount of silicone a person can have in each breast - making it illegal for her to have another op there. Dr Robert Rey, plastic surgeon to the stars allegedly warned her: “Your breasts could literally burst.” She reportedly said: “I think big boobies look beautiful. I am just following my dream and I won’t let anyone stop me.” No word on whether that’s the same motto Barack Obama and the adult video store have, but it’s a safe bet that the shoe fits.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Driving Instructor Pimps and Underboob Bans

It’s only illegal if it’s against the law

Inebriated Press
July 1, 2008

Canada’s CNews reported Sunday that an Edmonton driving instructor accused of trying to lure students into the sex trade says he’s innocent. And Canada’s Times Colonist reported that Victoria’s Cheesecake Burlesque Revue flew to Las Vegas to participate in the Miss Exotic World Pageant. It all went pretty well … except for the “underboob” scandal. Now that the hockey season is over, Canadians are busy lining up hookers and battling boob scandals. The ice must have finally thawed up north.

“Some people say we only fish and play ice hockey but we do a lot more than that to keep warm and maintain our population base,” said the mayor of a local town who said he wished to remain anonymous because his hockey team got its ass kicked last season. “Guys up here like sex and boobs just like guys down there who like baseball and NASCAR. Sure our driving instructors have to recruit hookers because we’re short on professionals in that field, but that just shows how creative we are when it comes to outreach and development.”

CNews reported that cops announced Saturday they have charged Vishva Juneja, an Edmonton driving instructor, of trying to lure adult students into the sex trade. The accusation came after a seven-month joint investigation led them to conclude the 63-year-old was allegedly using his two massage parlors’ as fronts for bawdy houses. Police believe their suspect was using his position as an instructor with Alberta Defensive Driving School to try to recruit women to work at one of the two businesses. The charges came following complaints from three women claiming to have been offered jobs at Edmonton massage parlors. The province has revoked Juneja’s business license for the driving school, which he also owns, as well as his driving instructor’s license. Recommendations have been put forward to the city to have his business license for the massage parlor revoked. Juneja says he’s innocent.

The Times Colonist reported that Victoria’s Cheesecake Burlesque Revue flew to Las Vegas in July to participate in the Miss Exotic World Pageant. Some call it the Superbowl of Striptease. This year it was at Palms Casino, where the rich and fatuous can rent “fantasy suites” containing regulation-size bowling lanes or a basketball half-court (cheerleaders cost extra) or showers equipped with stripper poles. The pageant drew such likely lasses as Coco El Camino, BonBon Vivant, Leggsy Von Hellstroke and Pa-ooh-la the Swedish Housewife. It turns out the casino license held by the Palms, courtesy of the Nevada Gaming Commission, made it illegal for the burlesque performers to reveal the underneath of their breasts. So the dancers — already shielding their nipples with pasties or whatever — had to cover up from the areolas down. This in a sin city peppered with strip clubs featuring women who disrobe completely. Also, Nevada is home to legalized brothels … so, go figure. As Kitten Kaboodle sagely noted: “Who books a burlesque weekend at a hotel that’s not allowed to show underboobs?”

In other news, Associated Press reported Saturday that Dutch marijuana coffee shops are bracing for a smoking ban. On July 1, the Netherlands will be one of the last European countries to ban smoking in bars and restaurants in compliance with EU law. The Health Ministry says the ban will apply to cafes that sell marijuana, known as coffee shops. But this being Holland, which for centuries has experimented with social liberalism, there’s a loophole: The ban covers tobacco but not marijuana, which is technically illegal anyway. But that still leaves coffee shops and their customers in a bind. Dutch and other European marijuana users traditionally smoke pot in fat, cone-shaped joints mixed with tobacco. “It’s the world upside down: In other countries they look for the marijuana in the cigarette. Here they look for the cigarette in the marijuana,” said Jason den Enting, manager of coffee shop Dampkring. No word on how much impact it will have on visiting Canadian driving instructors and their foreign hooker recruitment efforts.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Giving In to Oil Speculators and Bin Laden

US won’t pursue Al Qaida in Pakistan
US won’t bust speculators and oil companies
Lame duck government?

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant
July 1, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that late last year, top Bush administration officials decided to take a step they had long resisted. They drafted a secret plan to make it easer for the Pentagon’s Special Operations forces to launch missions into the snow-capped mountains of Pakistan to capture or kill top leaders of Al Qaeda. More than six months later, the Special Operations forces are still waiting for the green light. A senior Defense Department official said there was “mounting frustration” in the Pentagon at the continued delay. And Business Week reported Friday that those who say high gas prices are the result of supply and demand are wrong. Supply is up and demand is down. But prices are through the roof due to manipulation. Pissed off Americans are increasingly wondering if the lame duck Republican administration and do-nothing Democrat Congress have decided that cooperation means sitting on their asses together and drinking lemonade the rest of the summer.

“Oil demand the first five months of this year is 2.5% lower than last year during the same period, but prices are through the roof; and Bin Laden is hiding in Pakistan and rebuilding his crew of ass holes while our guys sit on the Afghan border watching because they aren’t allowed to act. What kind of bull shit is this,” asked someone claiming to be the ghost of George Patton, a mild mannered philosopher who occasionally fought and won military battles on freedom’s behalf. “You’ve got oil companies and speculators driving up oil prices all on the psychology that oil comes from the Middle East and skirmishes means oil no longer exists. Well guess what kids, there have been skirmishes in the Middle East for centuries and oil still flows. It’s a game that’s being played on you and the bastards perpetuating it are engaged in thinly veiled legal robbery. Reset the damn rules so speculators no longer dominate the trade, or make them take delivery on the oil that they buy. Take away the paper swapping and drive the psychology out of the market by making traders trade the real stuff and not paper contracts that they can get out of. It’s time that fundamentals move the market and not psychology and momentum charts. Idiots.”

Not everyone thinks Patton’s ghost has it figured out. “You can’t just sashay into Pakistan, they’re a sovereign nation. Just because they’ve ceded their northern areas to war lords and Al Qaida doesn’t mean that the US can just go there if they want. And oil prices are high because they are high and because they’re high again, you can expect them to go higher. That’s just the way it is,” said Diesel Defense, an oil executive who speculates on the side and thinks that not catching Bin Laden and the fear that keeps driving oil futures higher is the best thing that ever happened in his life time. “I may simply not give a shit about anyone else, but deep down I think that what’s going on is all for the best. It’s a natural-artificial event that is making history and from where I sit, it’s really interesting and very cool.”

The New York Times reported that Intelligence reports for more than a year had been streaming in about Osama bin Laden’s terrorism network rebuilding in the Pakistani tribal areas, a problem that had been exacerbated by years of missteps in Washington and the Pakistani capital, Islamabad, sharp policy disagreements, and turf battles between American counterterrorism agencies. So late last year the US drafted a secret plan to make it easer for the Pentagon’s Special Operations forces to launch missions into Pakistan to capture or kill leaders of Al Qaeda. The plan is ready, but there is no approval to act. The article said that just as it had on the day before 9/11, Al Qaeda now has a band of terrorist camps from which to plan and train for attacks against Western targets, including the United States. When American military officials proposed in 2002 that Special Operations forces be allowed to establish bases in the tribal areas, Pakistan flatly refused. Under pressure from Pakistan, the Bush administration decided in 2003 to end the American military presence in Pakistan. Leading terrorism experts have warned that it is only a matter of time before a major terrorist attack planned in the mountains of Pakistan is carried out on American soil. “The United States faces a threat from Al Qaeda today that is comparable to what it faced on Sept. 11, 2001,” said Seth Jones, a Pentagon consultant and a terrorism expert at the RAND Corporation.

Business Week reported that “[U.S.] demand for oil over the first five months of the year was off 2.5%* from last year.” —American Petroleum Institute, June 18, 2008, Associated Press Online (*Translation: We are using approximately 525,000 fewer barrels of oil per day.) After listing a number of sources indicating production increases and cutbacks in other countries, the article went on to say, “Now, just for fun, let’s add up all of the excess oil on the market, resulting either from cutbacks in demand, as in the U.S., Asia, or Korea, or from surplus production from oil producers such as Saudi Arabia and in the Gulf of Mexico. It comes to 1,989,000 barrels of oil a day.” The article went on, “while our Energy Secretary continues to blame America’s oil crisis solely on supply and demand instead of speculators, much as Dick Cheney blamed California instead of Enron in 2001, it takes little research to verify that no one yet has been denied an oil contract—and in fact, refiners around the world are today turning down oil they’re being offered.” The bottom line: global consumption is down, supply is up and prices are off the charts high. That spells manipulation.

“It’s time for some clear thinking about predatory practices and winning and losing,” said Patty Pure-Hart, a busty stripper whose plain thinking and plain dressing mask mental and physical assets of all kinds. “If you allow people to prey on you without fighting back they’ll rape you over and over until you’re dead. That’s what big oil and the speculators are doing to America and the global economy right now. If you let them, they’ll continue to gorge themselves on your ass until you’re nothing but pulp. And Al Qaeda in Pakistan is following the model of the North Vietnamese by scurrying across the border into a land that the U.S. isn’t supposed to follow them into. The U.S. is also starting to act like the U.S. in Nam by allowing the enemy to strike from save havens. Well there should be no save havens. When it comes to our nation’s security no one should be allowed safety anywhere. No comfort should be allowed the enemy. No quarter, no nothing. Only fear and death. Maybe the oil executives should be in charge of killing Bin Laden. They don’t give a shit about anybody.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that 100 Californians a month are being harmed by hospitals in events that are preventable. The article cited a number of examples: Technicians at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz unintentionally placed a CT scan of one patient into the electronic file of another, leading physicians to remove the wrong person’s appendix. Last October, a technician at the children’s hospital at Stanford University improperly connected a ventilator hose, accidentally pumping too little oxygen into a 9-day-old infant’s lungs. Last March, Virginia Fahres, 76, died at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center in Pomona after a nurse gave her two drugs, neither of which her doctor had prescribed. Officially called “adverse events,” those accidents are also known as “never events” because they are considered preventable, and many safety experts say they should never happen. No word on whether the same people in control of California’s hospitals are also responsible for capturing and killing Bin Laden or regulating speculators and the oil industry, but it sounds an awfully lot like they’re all relatives.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

iPhone Porn Coming and Victim’s Rights Going

Slumping porn-for-profit industry gets new tech
Supreme Court decides dead victim’s testimony doesn’t count

Inebriated Press
June 30, 2008

TIME reported earlier this month that the technological feats of the new 3G iPhone are key to the coming pornucopia. Leading porn purveyors see the iPhone as a dream come true. Its relatively ample screen size, speedy Web access and ease of use are just part of it. And CNN reported last week that the Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that a convicted killer deserves a new trial because jurors heard testimony that should have been excluded. His ex-girlfriend made the statements shortly before he killed her. Pundits are debating how to keep raw porn out of the hands of children with iPhones, while others wonder if it’s right to keep the raw truth spoken by murder victims from the jury trying their murderer.

“No one should stop information of any kind from being transferred to others who want it. And that’s true for kids who want to play recorded iPhone porn and true for the jury’s who want to hear the recorded words of murder victims before they were killed,” said Babs Masterson, a lean blonde DVD expert who is often seen on the same, but not under that name. “Freedom of expression and freedom of speech demand that there be no prohibitions on the transfer of or the reception of anything. Only the recipient should decide whether they want to have it blocked or filtered or not. Nothing should stand between them and the opportunity to receive it. I got an STD that way, but never mind, that’s another story.”

Not everyone agrees with Masterson. “The government should restrict and control all data being transferred between people by any means. We should not allow the risk of porn getting to children or conservative talk-radio ideas getting to adults, its dangerous and could result in unacceptable behavior,” said Amber Knightly, a limber minx who runs her own juice bar and strip club and is known as a control freak in every possible way. “I think anything should be acceptable for anyone over 18 but before that age a creature shouldn’t even be considered human or have any rights. I think it’s protective to society not to allow them rights or access to information that anyone thinks is harmful. In fact all entities born of a woman should be able to be legally aborted by an over-18 relative up to the age of 18. Except for conservative talk show radio hosts. I’m not sure they’re human at any age. And if there’s any question, I should decide. Other than that, I’m easy.”

TIME reported that Apple may be golden because of the iPhone, but the ‘coming soon’ 3G iPhone device will be the source of forbidden fruit. To date, mobile porn has consisted largely of still images, racy text services and “moan tones,” which are sultry-sounding ringtones. But now, thanks in large part to the iPhone’s video dexterity, short clips are becoming a staple of the mobile porn business. Google Trends, which measures Web buzz, shows a sharp increase over the past year in the popularity of the term “iPhone porn.”

“It’s by far the porn-friendliest phone,” says Devan Cypher, representative for San Francisco–based Sin City Entertainment. As evidence of the gadget’s rocketing popularity in California’s porn capital, the San Fernando Valley, numerous iPhone-specific porn sites have been launched in recent months. Sensing the start of a profitable new era for pocket porn, the adult entertainment industry is investing heavily and feverishly broadening its marketplace of iPhone porn. The industry sees the iPhone 2.0 as having multiple advantages over the first model. The new model will be available in at least 75 countries, enabling content providers to reach new mobile porn viewers all around the world.

CNN reported that the Supreme Court, in a 6-3 vote, reaffirmed the rights of criminal defendants to confront witnesses against them, even in cases where the defendant is responsible for the witness’ absence. The issue arose in the case of Dwayne Giles, arrested in the shooting death of Brenda Avie in 2002, several weeks after she told police that Giles had assaulted her and threatened to kill her. The Court ruled the killer deserves a new trial because jurors heard the testimony of the murder victim. Justice Antonin Scalia said in his majority opinion that domestic violence, though “an intolerable offense,” does not justify “abridging the rights of criminal defendants.” In dissent, Justice Stephen Breyer said the court should have ruled that defendants forfeit their constitutional right to confront witnesses when they are responsible for the witness’ absence from trial. Wednesday’s ruling, Breyer said, “grants the defendant not fair treatment, but a windfall.” Domestic violence experts said they fear the ruling will dissuade victims from going to authorities and make it harder to convict offenders. Some pundits say it’s no big deal since the murder victim is dead anyway and the concept of justice is subjective and relative at best.

“What you say can and will be used against you and maybe others, in a court of law, but only if you’re alive. What you say has no relevance if the person you say it about has killed you, because you’re dead. You forfeit your rights since you lost your life. Tough shit, it’s the Darwinian way and the strong win,” said Adolf Hitler, an innovative government official from a small European country, often misunderstood as a dictatorial tyrant, but who successfully built a strong economy and solid military before disappearing into a bunker. “The Court that decided statements made by dead people are irrelevant is a Supreme one and anything Supreme is right. I was supreme ruler for a while before I died, and I was always right. Those with ultimate power set the rules. They should. Wish I had iPhone Porn back in the bunker. Man was Eva frigid that day.”

In other news, New Zealand’s STUFF reported last week that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner says he suffers from back problems. The 82-year-old Playboy tycoon - who lives with three girlfriends at the infamous Playboy mansion in Los Angeles - is renowned for his womanizing ways, but says his bedroom activities have caused him health problems. He told FoxNews.com: “I have some aches and pains and I have had lower back problems since the 80s. Too much time in bed rustling around with friends!” No word on whether he plans to switch to iPorn, coming soon in a phone near you.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Political promises deja vu

Hefner ages, forgetful